Check Out Time?

I am feeling so confused and scared of the future right now. I've been depressed/suicidal for long periods of time since i was a teenager. It wasn't til i met my partner that i looked forward to the future, and it was all planned out which felt great. Now, since he died, nothing is certain, and every thing is so much harder. Just recently i thought i'd turned a corner, 'cos i was coping so much better. But recently I've messed my head up by sleeping with a married colleague-i just wanted to have some fun, but turns out it isn't. Thing is i don't develop normal feelings for people-they're weird and obsessive & totally full on. I just feel like i can't function in society-it is too much. I want out before anything else goes wrong. i split my family up-my mum and my younger brother & sister haven't seen our grandparents for 9 years, i'm still in contact with them on a regular basis tho. I feel like i've totally messed up so many people's lives through my weakness and my personality flaws. My grandparents(who i class as my parents) and I are going on holiday in a months time, and after that i'm checking out.....but my mind keeps jumping from feeling like that, to, literally in the next minute, telling myself that i can cope, things will get better and that if i was gonna kill myself i should've just f***ing succeeded on my first attempt at 14 rather than put myself thro 10 years of crap, just to kill myself any way-aarggh, my head feels in such a mess. If any one does read this, i'm sorry it's such a load of rubbish-am not the best writer.
trixabell trixabell
26-30, F
2 Responses Jun 18, 2007

Naw, poor you sweetie... It can not be easy for you :( .. . But remember, you are still young; there are loads of stuff out there in the world that can bring you joy; even though your proximity feels antagonistic there are wonderful things out there! Try not to blame yourself for anything that happened in the past; you should only blame yourself for not wanting to move on, overlooking opportunities that might arrive. . Trust me sweetie, there are lots of things in the world that is worth to live for :) I'm not blaming you, I'm supporting you; I know your life will turn better, gradually, as long as you try to be optimistic (your past truly hasn't been easy at all); I wish you the best of luck! Btw, you do not write rubbish at all! =) ^_^'

You may want to look into trying some therapy, for both depression and grief counseling. It sounds like you are taking on the blame for several events that you have no power to control. You couldn't have caused your family to break up, they all have choices, and it was their choice. I hope you can find something that will help you.