Finally Going To Risk It

 i have been apart of this group for some time now, i suppose i have been feeling vicariously through other stories. my father died at a young age and my mother was coldly absent during my youth. i remember the first time she told me she loved me, it was when i was 18 and in treatment. i was taught not to trust, never feel, cry, or show emotion. i was ready to explode all of the time and did not control my growing anger problem. need less to say, i was a ****** up individual. my peers and girls i hung out with told me i was good looking, i looked in the mirror and thought i was ugly. they told me i was sweet and charming, i thought they would hang out with me to use me for one reason or another. the point is, i never learned to trust one single individual in my whole life! I had tried to trust several times and quickly changed my attitude towards them when i had misspercieved innocent actions as lying, hiding, whatever. i would manufacture my own truth to keep from having to ever get to close to anyone. last year i entered another relationship with another young lady that had scads of wonderfull qualities. i was instantly drawn. we had a wonderfull friendship, and i believed we were compatible in everyway i could think of. after 6 months, i spent the next 6 months trying to unconciously destroy the relationship by accusing her of lies and cheating. I believe i have grown and learned a great deal from this. she would never give up on me no matter how much i tried to push her away. its been a year now and i love her dearly. i am still growig and learning how to be a better person for her because that is all i want to do is take care of her the rest of my life. because i have finally jumped in head first, for the first time in my life, my heart is on my sleeve and she has the power to crush me. even though this is true, i am finaly comfortable, i believe in her and trust her. i know she will never intentionally hurt me, she never did in the first place, it was all of my own doing.

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Dec 1, 2009