I Don't Want To Die Without Love

Last night I was afraid I would die alone. I had gone to bed feeling the most soul destroying loneliness. My whole being was calling out for someone to hold me, and give me comfort. I felt like a lost child. I could feel the ache in my chest. I became aware of a sensation on the left side of my head and face, and then pains all over that side of my head. Now, I am thinking that part of the blood clot in my leg has broken off and travelled to my brain, and I may be having a stroke. But more than being afraid of death itself....and I am....was the deep visceral fear of dying alone in my bed, without being loved on a deep and intimate level, and having someone there who really loves and cares for me.
To die alone, would be bad for anyone, but to die knowing you were loved, and were cherished by another must give some comfort. 
To die alone, feeling intense loneliness, knowing there is no love or care in your life, was the most God awful feeling that tore at my very soul. 
I started to shake, and my anxiety levels rose very quickly. I could not bear the thought of dying without having been held or kissed again, or to have a deep and intimate connection to a significant other in my life.
I don't want to die period, but I really don't want to die without being loved, and without the comfort of having that someone who loves me by my side.
This experience drove me into the most debilitating depression...I am already depressed by the sheer loneliness of my life...but this took me down several notches deeper, and I could not get out of bed today. I eventually got up at 6:30 pm. 

Carissimi Carissimi
56-60, F
1 Response May 7, 2012

David, your comment and sentiments have touched my heart. Thank you. It does make a difference to have friends who understand this struggle in a real way, and I know you understand it well. We will try and hold each other up, my friend.