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I'm So Scared I Can't Control Myself

Right now I'm scared out of my ******* mind!! I can barely type this write now because my hands are shaking so badly! I'm not exaggerating at all!! I'm so scared right now!! I want to throw up my stomach is so upset! I don't know what's going to happen to me!! Oh my God what have I done?! I'm shaking uncontrollably right now and I freaking can't stop!! I can barely breathe and I feel like I'm dying! Make it stop please!! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so, so, so sorry!! Damn it, I promise I won't do it again!! God, help me!!! I'm done, I'm over. **** my life!! It's so over! I can't sleep, I can't breathe, I can't think, I don't want to be here!!! I'm suffocating under my fear and it hurts like hell! Life must go on without me because I'm not going with it! I can't face the world! No, not after what I've just done! I can never face the world again!! Never again! I'm done! I can't go back!! I don't know what to do!! God, I feel so trapped!! I can't sleep, but if I don't try, then tomorrow will suck worse than hell! But if I stay up then what does it buy me? I just don't want to sleep! **** myself, I'm so dead!! I can't believe this!!! I'm going to be shipped off to a doctor before I even hear a good morning! This was it! This was my last day of normal life! Starting when I come out of my room tomorrow, my world is going to be flipped upside down!!! I can't hide this!! Surely my mom will notice! As soon as she does, my life is screwed!! I'm screwed!! I don't even know what will happen to me, but it's going to be bad!! ****, why did I do this to myself?! Damn, why didn't I just leave it alone?! Now I'm screwed over for the rest of my miserable ******* life!! My mom will say something instantly and I'm going to die! I can't handle it!! I don't want to see her!! Make it all go away!! Please!! Give me like 3 months to get myself back together!! Please, please, please!!! More time, more time, please!! I can stop, I swear! I can stop! I can!! Give me more time!! Please, I can't handle this getting out there! But she'll notice! She'll ******* notice! I can't hide this no matter what I do!! It's bad if I leave it alone, my only option is to cover it up! But to do that would require her knowledge of the event! What am I freaking supposed to do?! If I try to play it cool, then what if she notices?! I'll get my head chopped off faster than a I don't know what!!! But if I just walk up to her and tell her, then I'm still going to get chewed up!! Maybe it won't be as bad, or maybe it will! I don't even know!! I don't what to do!! If I don't approach the subject, then I'm taking the risk that she'll notice on her own, and I'll be really screwed over! If I approach her about this, then I don't know what her reaction will be and I'll still be screwed over!!! God damn it!!! No matter what, in about 3 hours my life is going to change forever! She will notice what I've done and something will happen to me! It's 4:00 in the morning and I've got about 3 hours to figure out what I'm going to do before my life changes forever! Holy ****, that's not stressful at all!! Should I go and get some sleep before my long day tomorrow or take this time to figure out my plan for tomorrow?! I'm already awake, why not make a freaking plan for my future!! I hate this ****!! I shouldn't have to do this!! But it was my fault so this is my responsibility! What's going to happen to me?! Where will I go?! God, please give me mercy!!! I never meant for this to be!! Please, I'm so sorry!! What's going to happen to all my plans tomorrow? Will they even exist? Will I even be here to do any of them? So many unanswered questions!! I'm so scared right now I'm going to die!! I feel like I'm having a heart attack because I'm so screwed up right now!! I still can't stop shaking!! It's uncontrollable! If I stay up all night it might make the situation worse because she certainly doesn't want me to stay up! She'd be mad just about that alone!! So if I try and go to sleep, I'll only get like 3 or 4 hours anyway, so it is even worth it?! What do I do?! What do I do?!

Okay, I just took a quick bathroom break. I feel just a tiny bit calmer. I've decided to stay up all night because I can't sleep and there's no point in only getting about 3 hours of sleep. I'm too agitated to sleep. I need this time to figure out what I'm going to say tomorrow and try and guess what's going to happen to me. I know I'll never be the same. Tomorrow (or technically it's already today) is going to mark the day of a revolution for me. I swear, everything I once knew will be gone tomorrow. I'm scared out of my ******* mind but I just have to roll with it as it comes. I'm thinking that I should try and tell her first before she brings it up. The trick will be getting her at a good time. I know that it will be weird because she will have my brother around the house and she may be out of the house on errands. I just have to catch her when she's not leaving for somewhere and we have the time to sit and talk. If she finds out first then that might get things off to a super rocky start and will screw me over even worse. So if possible I'll bring it up first. And I know that once I explain this whole situation, it will lead into my multitude of other problems and addictions. Basically tomorrow is the day that I lay my entire life out on the table. She will find out things she never would have guessed, never wanted to hear. It will be an important day for me to say the least. I've got a ton of explaining to do. This has all technically been building up since December. It was back in December that I started isolating myself and stopped talking to her. And I've acquired a crap load of problems since December that she sure as heck doesn't know about. I never wanted to tell her. I still don't want to tell her some of my problems, but I'm sure it'll go in that direction if I start talking about this one. So my life, my world, my security, everything that I've comet to appreciate and learn to live with will get scrambled up and revealed. I'm still shaking and I'm still scared, but I feel better now that I have a more concrete plan and my head isn't totally spinning. Well, that's my plan. I have to conquer my fear, and admitting to it and exposing it's roots will help me overcome it. Wish me luck because in a few hours I'm going to change quite a bit.
skyhook2612 skyhook2612 18-21, F 2 Responses May 19, 2012

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Omg, i am sorry, i should have not logged out, you still needed help, please take a breathe, just breathe please, listen to calming music, soothe your nerves, and take a relaxing bath, you have so much stress on you, this formal is bad for you, you should not go, you could say you were feeling sick, dont put this type of stress on you

so what did you do i am guess there is a boy in this too

No, there is no boy. I have trichotillomania, which means that I compulsively pull the hair from anywhere on my body. Well, just tonight I completely pulled both of my eyebrows. There's literally nothing there anymore. I don't have any eyelashes either. So this is officially the worst that my trich has ever gotten, and I've had trich for 4 years. What I've done is really noticeable and my mom will see it in a few hours when she wakes up. I know it's going to be bad news and I'll have to open up to her about everything. Right now I'm stressed because this has never happened before and I don't know exactly how this is going to play out. My school has formal, which is basically the dance, tomorrow evening as well. So yeah, this was perfect timing. I don't know if I'll be able to go to formal, so that's just added stress. Anyway, sorry to bore you with my life. But that's the basic idea of what's happening tonight and what will probably happen tomorrow.