That I Am Insane

Ok have been diagnosed with mental problems since forever. I see things, I feel things, hear things that aren't there. I can't tell if I am dreaming or not.
Sometimes I do random insane, out of character things. I describe it as a manic or hyper manic state.
I write books. In one of them a character kills someone. I woke up today very anxious and disturbed. I might have killed some guy. Another possibility is that i became another character that doesn't kill someone but does something that is not bad or good, but using my body to do that isn't good. I feel violated.
Either way I don't trust myself anymore. I lose myself a lot. Sometimes I think I may have a borderline personality disorder. I've been diagnosed as bipolar and with asperger's syndrome. whatever that means. My partner thinks i have special spiritual gifts.
I am in love with myself. I seek out people that remind me of myself because of this. I welcome in and trust people I shouldn't trust.
And then I change again I become paranoid and untrusting of everyone even people close to me.
i'm losing grip. It seems that year after year I get worse and then way better and then worse again. I think I'm evil. THere's evil inside me. Then I remember that's nonsense I don't believe in good or evil. I don't believe in the devil, but i see the shadow people.
I create the people that come into my life and make them disappear. Because I can never be lonely enough.
I can't tell my partner this. I don't want to worry him more.
I don't want some of my dreams/memories to be real. I think about suicide from time to time but will never do it. So i think I dissociate because I don't want certain things to be real, and sometimes i can't control when I dissociate. And when i come to sometimes I see through the eyes of another person. I see myself from outside.
I don't feel like a man or woman. I am agender. I don't associate myself with any of the two gender roles in my culture. I am a human. I know that. That's all I know. Today I am having a bad day. I can taste death in my mouth. but as i write this i feel a little better.
and things must get better. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. you know?
NotApplicable NotApplicable
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 29, 2012

got yourself quite the handful there.

Are you on meds? Or any kind of therapy? Sounds like writing does you well, and is a source of stress releasing. But, i'd suggest getting as much mental health help as you need. I hope things smooth out for you soon!

I was on meds. Haven't been on any in over a year. so yah I can't afford a shrink anymore, and don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I would get a shrink if money wasn't an issue. I think I need someone to talk to. This will pass, this episode won't last the rest of my life.