the Thing That Scares Me Most

In a word: Failure

I worry all the time that somehow I am going to screw up everything I'm doing at the moment. I worry about bills, house payments most of all. I earn just about enough to just get me by and my major problem is I'm terrible with handling money.

One of the ways I get my kicks is living through other people being happy sometimes. I'll pay for people to get some takeaway when we're out, buy them random things, shout drinks, even when I know I can't afford it. It's kind of strange, money is an important thing for me especially, mainly because I have to pay my house loan or you know, I lose it, and then you have your normal bills; phone, electricity, groceries, etc. But in reality I couldn't care less about money. I hate it. And that's when I screw myself over because I'll happily just fork out money for others to have fun and then at the end of the week go. ****, where has my money gone?

Another thing I need to start doing is stop buying junk food so much and buy decent groceries all the time. There is hardly ever decent food at home and it's not because I can't afford to go out and get food, it's because I end up spending it all on expensive junk food when I could be saving money getting groceries to last ages, it's really quite terrible.

But I know I shouldn't worry myself so much, I'm only young and I'm certainly looking at moving up in my job (I hope) I'm actually starting to get into sales area of real estate now as well as just dealing with bloody rentals (which drives me insane sometimes) so who knows, perhaps I'm just stressing over nothing.

Deyve Deyve
18-21, M
3 Responses Jul 24, 2006

Deyve, I probably shouldn't write you this because I feel angry and I've never expressed anger towards anyone in this group. Why do I feel angry because I'm jealous of you. I can't work. I'm disabled and I can't earn a penny. All my money goes towards my medicines and my treatments and doctors and I don't even have food to eat for part of every month. I'm terrible at handling a bank account since I don't write down all my checks or when I use my debit card; I totally forget to. . I'm really angry that I don't have enough money to even make it every month and there's more which I wont go into.<br />
For heavans sake in this day and age with so many people losing their jobs what in the world are you complaining about? I always tell people do not judge another until you've walked in their shoes and I'm doing this with you. I suppose it's because I've been depressed lately about various issues and the holidays bring up a lot in me. Usually I wouldn't express any thing like I've just done but you have a job and you''re even getting a better job, so, in contrast to a bed ridden disabled woman who can't make money but who has a good working brain who if it weren't for my health could earn money I can't. so, I know, I know I'm not being compassionate with you and look I have a brother who has always his entire life had so much money and lived such a comfortable life, going to Europe several times a year, doing everything and anything he wants. Eating organic foods, getting a masseuse to come over once a week, having a built in sauna in his shower, a hot tub, a swimming pool , liviing in the the rich part of Long Island and he's scared about money and has always been. Sometimes or often really when people have the money they are the scaredest because they fear losing it.<br />
<br />
Treating others ocasionally is a very nice gesture and if it makes you feel good, then all well and good but like me sometimes it's hard to see the whole picture of what one can and can't do. This I do understand. It's important to balance what we have and to really take a good hard look at our finances and it's something since I'm so sick and in so much pain that I don't do since I jump on every new healing modality going to try to find help since doctors can't do a thing for me. So my situation is different from yours. You can work. I can't. But, basically it's still a fear in both of us and needs to be taken seriously for you as well as for myself. It just irks me when people who do have a comfortable life are complaining about things re. money and I'll go back to what I just said to you, no man should ever judge another since we haven't walked in their shoes. it's one of my problem, jealousy and isn't one of my character defects I'm proud of, but, appreciate what you do have and try to balance it out and see what's important to you and if you need help to get more in control of your finances then get it. There are people who can help with this. Good luck and happy holidays. Velvetflow.

I think I know how you feel. Living by generosity is my plan too, and only lately have I realized that it makes me feel "real" because it is something I can do and something that reflects a broader view of how we could live if everyone shared good will towards each other. <br />
The second fact that I have recently learned is that we tend to expect the way things will be to be predictable, and therefore count on things happening, and they just don't. The only thing certain is uncertainty. So in a way, living by generosity is like asserting that we would like the future to be more <br />
predictable, and in a way that proves that what we think, proves that we exist in a good way. In fact, it makes the "reality" that we choose to prefer, exist. And that's good for people like you and for me.

I feel your pain there. I did that for a long time. I'd take friends out to eat, pick up checks, lend money, and things of that such. I can't afford anything. I really can't even afford to support myself. But there's hope! The only place left to go is up, right?