The Night It All Changed

I'm sure I knew this was coming.  I hoped it wouldn't.  But here I am, 31 years old locked in my parents bedroom with my two year old daughter waiting for my drunk husband to try and beat down the door.  For once in my life though, I actually know I am doing the right thing.  I am where I am supposed to be when things get bad, with the people I'm supposed to be with.  My family.  And for once I know that nothing bad will happen.  Because I'm with them.

All the times I tried to do it by myself.  On my own.  With my friends.  With everyone other than than them.  And now when it's at it's worst, at least I can say I have learned the right thing to do.  Lean on the people closest to you.   Your family.

He just called from our home number, livid and in a fit of rage.  At least it means he hasn't left the house to come here.  At least as of right now there won't be a confrontation.  I don't want there to be one, but in a way, it would make things so simple.  No one could doubt me.  I wouldn't have to explain any more than than I have.  They would see with their own eyes.  The would know first hand the rage in his eyes, and the irrational behavior he is capable of.  They would see I made a mistake, and know that I did, but they would also know that leaving him was the best I could do to fix the mistake.  Even if it's hard on the baby, it's still better than what she is growing up with right now.

It is a pattern that I've had for a long time, but maybe now that I'm here in the right place, maybe now the pattern will be broken.  Not maybe.  Now it is.  The worst is over.  Admitting to my family that I made the mistake was the hardest part.  Admitting failure to the people I care most about is as hard as it can be.  Because they know I shouldn't have married him.  They know I'm a broken person who can only relate to other broken people.  And after all these years, I'm finally starting to really believe that they love me anyway.

I know there are people who get divorced and both people know it's for the best.  Both people know that the situation isn't what it should be and that no amount of fighting is going to fix it.  That the only way to fix it is to walk away.  I don't think my husband is one of those people.  He didn't walk away from his first marriage....he went kicking, screaming, and with a legal team.  And I foolishly thought that things would be different with us.  But you know what,  I see now how his first wife must have felt.  How scared she must have been.  How hard it was to tell her family that their money and time was spent in error.  That he wasn't the great guy she worked so hard to show them.  That he is broken too, just like we all are.  That's the thing.  We are all broken.  He just doesn't want to accept that.

In my heart, I am already out of hope.  I had hope before we were married when the fighting was bad.   I had hope the day of the wedding, and the day our daughter was born.  But you know what.  I can see so clearly now on each of those days--I had doubts.  Real, tangible, doubts based in truth and things I'd seen with my own eyes.  I don't have hope now because hope is the last straw of pain on my already fractured back.  I don't think he will change.  I don't think things will get better.  There is no sign that they will and there never has been.  

If I could wave a wand, my daughter and I would be living alone in a tiny house with a tiny yard that has her swingset in it.  My dog would be playing with my cats, and I would live every day for what it was--a beautiful gift from God.  I wouldn't be afraid.  I wouldn't pretend to feel something I didn't.  I wouldn't endure, I would thrive.  My already amazing daughter would grow up with that energy.  With that love of life, and fear of nothing.  She would take that strength and use it to achieve every dream and conquer every obstacle.  She wouldn't learn a mother has to be something she isn't.  She would see that when two people love each other, that even when times are hard, they get through those times together. 

It's funny because these are lessons I was sure I learned before I met Lou.  I was independent, living in my own place, and was standing up for myself.  But I lost sight.  The lure of comfort was too great.  I am not meant to be alone, and for as strong as I was, I was still alone and insecure.  But I have my daughter now.  I am not alone.  I am everything she needs because I want to be.  I ache to be.  And for once, I can.  For once being unselfishly devoted to someone is what I am supposed to do, not just what I want to do.  There is no question about it being the right person.  There is no thoughts about whether their flaws can be endured.  She is my daughter, and for her, I want to be everything.

I don't know what will happen tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day.  I wish things would end peacefully for the good of our daughter.  I would walk away from all of my things, take on my half of the debt, and go without health insurance to be rid of this part of my life.  To turn the page and move on to what I want to be--a mother.

Claire17 Claire17
14 Responses Aug 29, 2009

I know I am too young to be married or to have a child, but I can tell you have done the right thing in regards to your daughter. I'm studying to be a school therapist/counselor at University, and one of the biggest factors in a persons happiness in their past. Growing up in such a hostile environment will stunt her emotinally and leave her with emotional scars, so you've definately done the right thing in taking her. I hope your situation has turned for the better and you are both physically OK :)

I am in a similar situation. I am here 29, with a three year old living in my parent's ba<x>sement. Left my relapsing husband three months ago. His drinking was not raging but he is a dry drunk. His depression plagued me and I knew it would one day begin to plague my daghter. I did not want that. You and your daughter are in a good place, get yourself to school and involve the authorities if you have to. He should not be disrespecting your daughter or you showing up to your parent's home drunk. Good luck, I pray for you.

contacked a safe group and get the hell out of there and protect you child there are many safe homes out there

i would recommend that you keep an eye on your daughter long term your story is very simaler to my mothers and that was 15 years ago but when i got to 12 i started displaying signs of paranoid schizophrenia and i ended up being committed after stabbing my father through the chest but im better now but hes dead

i understand what you are going through but i stayed to long and end up getting shot in the leg by x husband, thank god! you have a family that love you and do what u have to do to stay away and get your self together and please .........STAY SAFE!!!

hang in there love and all will be allright<br />
Do what you think best<br />

Your marriage & divorce sound very similar to mine. Leaving felt like being sucked into a black hole, but staying was horrible for my son not knowing when mom was going to get hurt or get killed during his dad's drunken rages. And for 2 years after we separated, he made my life hell. <br />
I remember thinking I'd thrown 14 years of my life away, and being SO angry at myself. Fact is, we are all human, and make mistakes, and those mistakes should be stepping stones in our lives to learn from and hopefully help others. It's now been 21 years, and my ex is still a drunk and doing the same thing to another wife. But I am free, and you will be too. Allow yourself to be human, and know that the damage that a child endures seeing abuse is much worse than being without him. A bad parent is NOT better than no parent. A song comes to mind, as it meant alot to me during a divorce, and that's "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor, and you will, and be stronger than ever in time. Stay safe.

I deeply hoped that things have changed for the better for you. I cried reading your story, though I don't have children of my own, I can feel what you have shared. I, like a lot of people, do feel broken, incomplete - fractured from the inside. We make mistakes - we all do, but like you said, we can correct that mistake, we don't have to live with it any more. We can choose differently. Now you have your daughter - you want to be everything for her, everything you may felt you did not have to strength to be - but for her, I see that your love, her love, will be enough - to inspire and transform you to everything you wish to be. I am so touched by your motherly instinct - I am so grateful to know there are changes and healing in times that is so dark. I am glad that you can feel the love of your family. I am glad that you are not alone. That you're well loved. I am glad that there is hope for me too. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story.<br />
God bless you.

Not only all of your beloved care and think for you .You now have all of us , new friends who care for you too. No life is lived without some amount of pain and disapointment . I wish your daughter and yourself the best. God up there , he'll always watchout for us .Have faith in God .He will guide you through tough times .

I'm glad you found the strength to leave your husband for the sake of your little girl, I was beaten by my second husband and when my grand daughter was born I left him because I was afraid that my grand children would grow up knowing that their grandma was killed by a crazy man. It's not your fault. They trick you at first, they are nice and they lure you in to a false security and then their true colors come out. God bless you and keep you, don't ever trust him again because will tell you that he's changed and that he's going to AA and he loves you well don't fall for it because if you did go back he would only be good for a short while and then he'd be back to his old tricks.

I've been there and I wish you courage and strength to do what is best for you and your baby.

You have a daughter that needs you right now, why end everything for a man, it is not worth it, there are many men in the world, unfortunately you chose the wrong type of guy, so what, you are not perfect, none of us are, you are only human who needed help and you went back home, I am sure your parents understand and they are happy to have you and your daughter, think positive and don't let any man ruin your life, he is not worth dying for, you only live once, just be happy and pray, God is helping you survive, remember your problem is nothing to compare to children that starved every day, just be happy you have a place to live and appreciate your loves ones, if you feel he might come home and kill you then you need to put a restraining order and hire an attorney but have the guy arrested.

i have to warn you that when your daughter grows up she will definately leave you, don't depend on her for your self-worth. Make sure that you are still able to stand on your own two feet without your kids.

You are being a good Mother. You have taken your child out of a terrible place and protecting her from a bad environment.The truth will set you free. You faced the truths. You are being brave ..maybe you can't see that. You are being wise. One step at a time, one fear at a time. You need peace and getting rid of him is a blessing. Listen to your family and be protected. I wish you strength and success.