Silent Screams & Lullabies

What can you do if your only home is the center of your nightmares? Not being able to tough it out. Not being able to ignore it. Not being able to run away.

I fight depression and i fight quick addictions. My fights are to stay alive but my roads are darkening and i can't see the light no longer.

I'm the youngest out of five from a badly beaten family.  We all have deranged personalities but work it out differently. Learning that life can be very cruel at a young age is devastating and it has ****** my mind over almost off the edge. I never know if i do something right because every action backfires greatly. My mind is full of 'why me's and 'what if''s. I can never fully understand why i am the one to bring grace back into the family, everything i do turns out wrong.

Sometimes i feel alone and desperate for comfort, but when the chance comes i built a icy wall around myself and all i want to do is hide. I've learned that you can never trust someone fully without exposing yourself to betrayal. I have cowardly chosen to have limited connections with everyone and everything.

After two  years of sexual harassment from my sisters boyfriend, i blew it off to someone, and what i fiercely feared happened. My family didn't believe me and proclaimed me to have mental issues.

I disguised myself behind false smiles and cheerful actions for so long that when it finally broke, i went into such a frantic panic that everyone thought i went crazy. I dropped out of school, started drugs and drinking. I basically lost my wits and common sense.

I thought my life couldn't get worse. And guess what, it did.

I have to live with everyone within arms distance and with situations where if i don't suck it up, i lose the only  thing i have left, my pride.

And so, as everything falls apart around me, i manage to pull a smile out of my *** and hold on to the screams, because getting devoured by the demons you have to call family, is my one and only greatest fear.

 

omfgcookies omfgcookies
18-21, F
Feb 7, 2010