Random Experience Of A Person With Spd

Unusual for someone with this disorder, I am female, married and have 2 children. I do in fact love my Husband, my children and my parents. I do my best to show them this as often as I can. The biggest pain I experience over and over again is knowing the pain I cause for people besides these few. My grandfather who died last year would say to my husband that he wishes he got to know me. Just knowing I was causing pain could not cause me to change, though I wish I could have prevented his pain. I am able to act when I need to appear friendly, engaged and interested, especially at work. However, people seem to be very attracted to me during these times and try to form a relationship with me. They slowly realize that I will not give back or come to them also and they become angry or hurt. I do not want any relationships besides the ones with my family. When I feel bad that I hurt people, I come back with the idea that I don't owe anyone a relationship, there are plenty of other people in the world they can have a relationship with. That usually takes care of any guilt I feel. I have a lot of hobbies that keep me happy. Unfortunately, as a side note, I live in a small town and am something like a social worker (kind of fell into this job) and I'm sure neighbors and coworkers think I'm strange or rude for being so reclusive.

introvertat introvertat
31-35, F
5 Responses Mar 2, 2010

It's a huge relief to find this group, simply to read the other stories that sound so familiar. I have had members of my family die and I simply felt nothing when it happened, or at most a slight sense of "oh, that's a bit sad."<br />
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A year ago I decided I couldn't stand the sense of obligation of talking to my mother, so I just stopped talking to her. It feels like such a relief never to talk to her - she is a manipulative, histrionic woman. I prefer to spend time with my father because he is as introverted as I am, and never asks questions. If I have to be near family, I am near him, because I never feel really "near" at all. <br />
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Unlike some schizoids, I enjoy sex, but not with anyone I've been with for too long. I even enjoy flirting and developing a relationship with someone. I enjoy the feeling of security of knowing that someone else is occupying the house with me. But I hate the obligation. <br />
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I also hate confrontation, and nothing scares me more than "honey, we need to talk." When I hear something like that, I immediately begin the process of pre-loading the canned sentences and facial ex<x>pressions, and they fall out of my mouth at the right time, while my mind gently floats away on a raft of dissociation, up a river of selfish internal thoughts that no one else enjoys. Every now and then I'm forced to "come to," and I look a little startled and surprised, and have to work twice as hard to assure him I'm listening. I usually need a few hours of reading in isolation to get over it. <br />
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Every time that a man has begun to demand too much of me (emotional involvement, care, and sex beyond a few initial months), I've put up a barrier. I've turned it into a long-distance relationship, or had an affair. I prefer men who don't have English as their first language, as the demand for closeness isn't as strong when there's a big communication barrier. And for me, when it's over, it's over. No pain. There has only been one man in my life who I couldn't stand to lose, and I am still with him now, although we live apart. <br />
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I am a highly deceptive schizoid, and therefore when I make an effort, people are often drawn to me (like introvertat describes). But then they want real contact and friendship, and I ignore them or make excuses not to see them, and let them fade away. I love blogging and enjoy being part of a web-ba<x>sed world as it lets me keep my distance and offers a little comfort. Writing is so much better than speaking. <br />
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Everyday things are a drag. I dread the thought of having to speak to a customer services representative, a neighbor or anyone else. I often put off doing important things because I don't want to talk to anyone. Not because I'm scared; I just don't want the inconvenience or intrusion. <br />
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Contrary to what many people think and say, I think many schizoids are this way despite having real emotional needs and feeling real pain at not having them met. I see people in genuine, real relationships, and I often think that such a life would be a warm and cozy place. I care about other people's wellbeing and hate to see suffering, despite making others suffer from my distance. <br />
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When I do feel real pain or become angry, it is intense, as if I've cracked open something harder than an ostrich egg and I'm allowing my own blood to seep out of it. <br />
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I don't know what it's like to have a sustained, real relationship where awkwardness, pain, disappointment, manipulation, lies, boredom or restlessness don't settle in. One day, if I can be bothered to get off the couch, I would like to try. I hope that other people here have more luck than me - I am very comfortable and yet screaming at the same time. It's not fulfilling to not need people.

I am also a female with spd. my relationship is failing just like the last one. its my fault. i dont show affection or have any desire for sex. my boyfriend accuses me of seeing someone else. I try to explain that just me thinking of seeing someone else and sharing time and affection brings me overwhelming feelings of stress. And his accusations and thoughts of me doing these things makes me dig deeper in my hole and I feel overwhelmed at the pressures that this relationship puts on me. I have the hardest time initiating sex and only participate because it makes him happy and then he is nice to me. other wise he is angry and aggitated at me and I know it and feel it. I dont mind being alone and have accepted that I will be alone. My daughter is almost 6 and I know that as she grows I will be even more alone. Thats ok with me but I worry about her. I never want her to feel this or have lonely feelings and confusion about relationships and where she stands.

I understand where you are coming from with the guilt about someone getting hurt. Have you tried to explain your own thoughts to someone? for the last couple years I have been trying to find/create a short and simple explanation to help others understand that it's hard to replicate emotions for them so that they think you aren't a cold robot. However, I am just as close today as I was when I first started to look.<br />
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any suggestions or past experiences that have worked for you? or are we all on a similar path of complete misunderstanding from other people who seem to have an abundance of emotion.

Female schizoids united!<br />
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I'm still at college. People don't make a big effort to approach me, really. And I'm glad.<br />
I also love my family, but that's it. I don't want any other relationships. I've only had one boyfriend, and he got tired that I didn't show my feelings, and left me. And the somehow sad thing here is, I didn't care.<br />
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It would be very painful for me if I regretted every relation I didn't fulfill. I can't imagine how you feel, but I'm glad to read that you have hobbies!<br />
Those keeps us happy, at least!

It's nice to know that there are other female schizoids around. I also feel bad about not 'giving back' in friendships but doing so makes me feel stressed and miserable. But how do you tell someone that their friendship is so painful?