Please Help! My Girlfriend Is "secret" Schizoid


I have been with my girlfriend for a few months now but it was apparent from very early on that something just "wasn't right" with regards to her attitude in general

This became more apparent as the weeks past and soon led to arguements only recently did she finally confess to having had reason to seek medical advice for the above some years earlier.

Although her doctor advised that she displayed charecteristics of ALL three of the following disorders, he did specifically diagnose any one in particular;

1. Schizotypal Personality Disorder.
2. Schizoid Personality Disorder.
3. Anhedonia

I am still very much in love with my girlfriend despite that very real hurt i am experiencing due to her actions and seemingly indifferent attitude towards my feelings or the affect this is now having on almost every aspect of my own life.

I would very much appreciate any help or advice that may be out there and welcome all comments.


Supergav Supergav
31-35, M
8 Responses Aug 9, 2010

Hi Gavin:

I have been in a relationship with a SPD for nearly 10 years. We both are divorced and live an hour apart. With kids and such it was fine. But I have been so frustrated by his "coldness" and detachment so many times yet we often laugh and have great times and very passionate sex. I just found out last weekend about this disorder and it explains everything. I no longer feel rejected by him when he doesn't express feelings, or want to do things beyond a short time together. I will say, however, that this has cemented my decision to move on. I thought for so very long his detachment and emotional unavailability stemmed from a very trying divorce (I understand fully why the wife left him now even though I had similar thoughts like this many times before) and he was hit a lot when he was a boy by his mother.
I have never asked him to change but couldn't understand what the heck was the issue. I come from a big, loving family and have maintained a good number of friendships since my grade school thru college years to this day which people find remarkable at times. Having a big heart and as one who experiences emotions fully, I sort of felt sorry for him and thought that in time, some of his hurt would dissipate. Now I know it isn't that at all and it is a relief. I know that a lot of people like him that like their solitary personality embrace it and almost brag about it like it should be the way everyone should be. I think that is a healthy acceptance but sometimes I wonder if it is really all that. I cannot help but think going thru life like Spock on StarTrek and never having the human experience of emotion would be strange - maybe only because I am not like that. However, while I accept his solitary personality, I also have come to the conclusion that he would best be served by call girls for company as it is really more on par with his capabilities or incapabilities... whichever way you want to phrase that...
He knows he has issues with this. We have talked about it and he has said that he has heard it before. There are so many good qualities about him that I do like so it is very hard. But if you deny yourself the full scope of what YOU need, then you will only create unhappiness and bitterness in the end. My advice is to cut your ties and stop wasting your time. I wish I had known about all this many years ago.

I had some girlfriends and found out I don't know what love is. I suspect nobody knows. I'm a very polite man and I don't like hurting people. But I can't get beyond passion or the platonic stage of relationships. I think romance is bullshit, it´s something to get laid. I don't want children, because I don't think this world is a good place. When my ex-girlfriend got mad and asked me to change my way of being I just said I won't change. Any other me would be a fake me and I don't want to live faking for someone I like. And faking this kind of stuff really makes me nervous. I keep in contact with her, but when she tries to get close again I go away for sometime. Insinuation and flattering really turns me off. I used to think my partners would negociate the rights and duties during the relationships. But now it's clear to me they want the full package, and they want it now. I don't know if I can marry someone that can't handle my way of being. I suggest you to move on. You'll find someone else.

I too am a secret Schizoid. I have Not known for very long, but as I look back, I realize I have had it without a doubt. Love is a very tricky thing for someone with SPD. The thing is we really don't feel love, well not exactly the way one usually does. We can enjoy one's companionship, but the whole process of love and trying to impress just really isn't for someone with this disorder, an experienced schizoid might avoid a relationship at all costs. Having someone declare their love for me would set off my panic mode and my mind would tell me to run away from the situation. So please don't blame your girlfriend for having a tendency toward coldness. If she had not known about SPD before you got together, you might not have been together at all. This must be exceedingly confusing for her, so just lay off the emotions. Alright?

2 weeks ago, my wife it a condo, now we are simmulating separate lives. I have been supportive since our kids also will stay with her. Now... She lets me be with the kids from friday afternoon to sunday morning....<br />
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I always nake sure to tell her that i would rather we all stay together.

I think I married a schizoid. we have been together smooth sailing for 10 years... then just out of 1 argument (imagine a couple not having a major argument for 10 years - then a big one comes along and then you are suddenly out of the picture emotionally) there is an immediate divorce of emotion. <br />
I would say the 10 years were all happy... but i felt that my wife was very different... we started out with a whirlwind so much love and sex... it gave us our precious child. we married... she told me she only wanted 1 daughter.. the rest of the next years is when i would notice the social isolation.... what was beautiful about is is that our nuclear family was the one in social isolation.. yes, i would bring them to meet up with family for the new years and Christmas but most of the activities we did do were all within the nuclear family.<br />
there was i time when we needed to live with her brother... in the same house hold we had limited socialization as the 2 families would be just in 1 roof but really in eventuality be working separately. my wife loves to read a lot of novelettes... love stories. her passion to have sex was long gone since our first child. we had another baby after 5 years. and that was made after just 1 sexual contact... very lucky indeed! though unbelievable... after our second... sex life has been down hill... we had conflicts about it but she just tells me she has no pleasure for it. so how can we enjoy sex then? <br />
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our relationship subsided more when she tells me that her love for me has waned. it is still there... transformed from romantic to platonic. she explains this was how she ended her previous relationships.. she likes it at first then fails to sustain the love . emotional aspect of it.<br />
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the worst part of it is we had a recent conflict in marriage... i did not really know what the personality disorder schizoid was really all about... till the unbelievable turn of events... after a major conflict... i was jealous of her as she seemed to lack time and was always out at work... it seems that her schizoid being alone and need for time had catches up on her. i was blind and blamed a scape goat excuse for all of this to a 3rd party which i have not even been able to prove. but her being secretive and sensitive and all provoked our quarrels. all those 10 years of being gradually sex deprived as a husband, emotionally being depleted of love had caused me to explode and yell at her... give her emotional stuff that a schizoid would just never take. as schizoid reaction she would be nonviolent and just tell me in a snap that it is over. she has splitted me off emotionally and kept me in a place where i can no longer hurt her. compartmentalized to her non feeling and non emotional we are no longer together. it's been a few weeks now and its hard to believe a normal person can do that. we have been raising a beautiful family with big plans of getting a house etc. and she just drops it with out batting an eyelash. these events were hard for me hence i see the profile of the schizoid trying to figure out how i can i get my wife back into at least the best friend i used to have as a wife and not this cold emotionally splitted personality. <br />
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she can easily tel me to be brutally honest that she no longer loves me.<br />
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although i cannot believe it so.. 10 years of love and a day after no love seems to be something a schizoid personality can be compatible with. now that she has on her own cut off her social obligation to me to be her wife... i now see her schizoid side... a side she showed to me when she also avoided all possible social interaction with my sister after a slight misunderstanding. don't get me wrong she just keeps the relation to a civil level.<br />
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now she just interacts to me on a need to know basis... her activities are no longer known to me. when for the past 10 years... if you are considered the only friend of a schizoid.. as a husband you will be very pleased to know all of her activities will just revolve around herself and the nuclear family. the joy of family life with a schizoid seems to envelope the whole family to be somewhat schizoid. we enjoy each others company and have this you and me against the world outlook. <br />
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my love for my wife is intense... i do understand her more now... i know in schizoid that if you become the emotion they want to avoid then you are in deep ****. so that's just where i am right now. so it is also true that her being so i am part of that ob<x>ject which will reveal her vulnerable self. in fact all my efforts to be with her for now are all thwarted by her internal saboteur. in any way... in my own eccentric understanding of this... the more i get to interact with my wife the more her internal saboteur works to hide me deep into the vulnerable self. where i believe is her ex<x>pression of love for me is well hidden... i have no doubt that buried underneath her coping everyday self is the love for me that i have no doubt is there... <br />
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i will always love her although she will never ever show it to me... we still live under 1 roof with my family although she always tells me we are separating... we are always together here in our distant relationship. i will never leave her though emotionally cold... i know she loves me so much... for she is always here with me staying and watching me with those cold eyes... just emotionally distant yet filled with love underneath if you just look deeper to into her schizoid eyes.<br />
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how i long so much to hold her... to express love for her... although i know it cannot be done for her internal saboteur is always there now... i endure the passivity and play along the schizoid path... it's hard but what keeps me going on is just my understanding her.<br />
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i wish i could just get back the non emotionally splitting wife i used to have again. i do not know.

I think you have revealed everything I have been feeling and suffering past 4 and half years. I think my fiance is a schizoid. I have read quite a bit about it, and I am a psychology student. Knowing his past and observing him and living with him for years, I can with no doubt say that he is a schizoid, and he likes it. Please would you talk to me? Please do not get me wrong, I love my fiance a lot, and I need help to understand him. I want to connect to others who have SPD and those who are in a relationship with one. You can be assured I am so concerned that last 5 hours I have been crying and reading about SPD and its 2 50 am, but I am torn and broken and looking for answers.

To be with kids with someone who just doesn't want any emotional attachment to you is just hard to accept. Once you do get to accept it is the time you move on. It is easier for people who have no kids to just move in... Accept it.

You are in a difficult situation. <br />
I am a Schizoid myself and I really think you need to understand your situation a little better. A schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, and emotional coldness.[1] There is increased prevalence of the disorder in families with schizophrenia. SPD is not the same as schizophrenia, although they share some similar characteristics such as detachment or blunted affect.<br />
Every person is different but for me, I have almost an inability to feel emotions. It is rather disturbing actually. I feel myself going through the motions, when it is appropriate to smile I might smile, when I must be polite and speak to people, etc. I have to constantly remind myself to smile or laugh. mostly I just do not care enough to fake it. Perhaps your girlfriend is the same way. It feels like I do not know how to interact with people. I am often ostracized for being a loner and some people think I have a superiority complex. <br />
In one particular instance, a boy came up to me and asked me "Why do you always close yourself off from everyone else?" I found that I has no answer for him. <br />
It is a difficult way to live because humans generally are very social people so it is hard for them to understand why we act this way. <br />
I have a terrible sense of empathy and I will admit that I cannot adequately assess how I interact with other people. It could be the same with your girlfriend. If she says something to you that seems cold or harsh, she may not understand that it hurt you. <br />
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Do not misunderstand, it is not that we do not have emotions, rather it is that we do not use them or we repress them so much that we do not feel them. <br />
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When I do feel emotion, it scares me. It is almost intensified as if under a magnifying glass. I'm not used to feeling so much so when I really do feel angry I explode into a white rage or when I feel happy, I am almost giddy. <br />
Afterward, I shut down and all the emotion is totally gone. <br />
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I hope this helped you sort of understand the inner workings and mindset of people like me. Try to be patient with her. I know that it never helps when my father screams and hits things because he is frustrated with me so try to be understanding and supportive. If you encounter more problems, it might not be you, it could be her.

Hi Colin,<br />
<br />
Thanks for the reply.<br />
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I would like to think i'm a relatively "normal" guy and have been married myself too, although that particular relationship lasted about half the length of time you have been married yourself.<br />
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I'm not the kind of guy to rush in to things when it comes to falling for girls but for some reason i let my guard down with this one and fell hook, line and sinker in proper school-boy style i dare say. <br />
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I understand that as harsh as it seems, you are probably right. It's very hard to say what i had or even still hope for out of this relationship now given her recent revelation that almost nothing i ever said or did meant anything at all to her. She claims to feel numb most of the time and cannot commit to telling me what her feelings for me are, if indeed they amount to anything worth mentioning. <br />
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It's the old head telling me one thing but my heart telling me the opposite, as naive as i know that sounds at my age. I feel as if my persistance with her has paid off to an extent, in so much as i have noticed some really positive changes in her personality and behaviour in the time we were together. She too has noticed these changes and claims that she wants me to help her to get better. I'm finding it very difficult to turn my back on a young girl who it would appear nobody has ever really tried to help in the past.<br />
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I suspect she will remain the way she is now for the rest of her life if i give up on her now, if not get far, far worse. I'm torn mate.<br />
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Cheers,<br />
<br />

i am also a "secret schizoid" i know what’s she means about feeling numb. i have a boyfriend and i difficulty relating to him on a emotional level…but we connect on a intellectual level… he’s quite patient with me…I think I tell him things that are harsh without meaning to and sometime I don’t realize it….hang in there man….perhaps you should just be patient with her...

Gavin,<br />
I have been married for over 25 years and it has its ups and downs. Keeping a relationship together is getting more and more difficult......and that's if you are two normal, healthy individuals. You may think it's harsh, but if you are a normal healthy bloke in his 30's, my advice would be to move on. You will only be bringing a world of trouble upon yourself for the next 20-30 years. If on the other hand its just a boyfriend/girlfriend thing with no long term intentions, then just carry on giving her one until you tire of her, then dump her. Either way, there is a common theme here......dump her sooner or later.