Changes, Oh Those Changes!

When I was kid, the world was a blur to me. As it turns out, I needed glasses, but no one picked up on that until fourth grade. I remember the day I first got them. Driving home, I could see the words on the signs, and realized now why they were so important. I saw leaves in the trees, where before I merely saw a green blob. (I thought the leaves just peeled off the blob.) My whole perspective on life changed.

It felt a little like that when I came to Christ in my teens. Suddenly my life made sense. I could see things I never saw before, like a meaning and purpose for my existence. As I entered college, that meaning and purpose became more pronounced as my faith grew. Well, I should say as I read more and more about what I was supposed to believe. And there was the rub. For me, although Christianity was a religion of grace, it was full of “shoulds” and “should nots.” WHAT I believed was, in the end more important than WHO I believed in.

I became a minister, and continued on this track. I really tried to preach the The Bible and my insights on the text, not just my opinions on faith and current affairs. I tried to toe the denominational, theological line.

The problem was, I was trying to be someone who, in the end, I really wasn’t. I was pretending to be a “faithful Christian” as defined by others. And I lost both myself, and God in the process.

I began to notice something was wrong when I did a meditation exercise. I was supposed to imagine that I was in my favorite place, which was easy. It was a big magnolia tree in my home town. I imagined I was in the tree, about halfway up, and just hanging out there, much as I did when I was a teen. Suddenly I was aware that God was at the top of the tree. And I was aware that I did NOT want to be up there with God. Against my will I saw myself in my mind’s eye climbing down the tree.

That was the first of a series of life changing experiences that brought me to where I am today. (The problem is, I do not KNOW where I am!)

I hope to post more as time goes on.
AlaskanStranger AlaskanStranger
51-55, M
2 Responses Nov 4, 2010

I think I'm you 30 years ago.

Why do you think god does`nt want you back?<br />
Do you think god is going to judge you?....punish you.<br />
<br />
Now listern to what your heart and soul already know.<br />
God cannot judge or punish you....How could he/ are part of them.<br />
It would be like you being mad at your fingernails.<br />
<br />
You turned away from god....god will never turn away from you.<br />
God knows you had to walk that path to understand and experience life.