Changes, Oh Those Changes!

When I was kid, the world was a blur to me. As it turns out, I needed glasses, but no one picked up on that until fourth grade. I remember the day I first got them. Driving home, I could see the words on the signs, and realized now why they were so important. I saw leaves in the trees, where before I merely saw a green blob. (I thought the leaves just peeled off the blob.) My whole perspective on life changed.

It felt a little like that when I came to Christ in my teens. Suddenly my life made sense. I could see things I never saw before, like a meaning and purpose for my existence. As I entered college, that meaning and purpose became more pronounced as my faith grew. Well, I should say as I read more and more about what I was supposed to believe. And there was the rub. For me, although Christianity was a religion of grace, it was full of “shoulds” and “should nots.” WHAT I believed was, in the end more important than WHO I believed in.

I became a minister, and continued on this track. I really tried to preach the The Bible and my insights on the text, not just my opinions on faith and current affairs. I tried to toe the denominational, theological line.

The problem was, I was trying to be someone who, in the end, I really wasn’t. I was pretending to be a “faithful Christian” as defined by others. And I lost both myself, and God in the process.

I began to notice something was wrong when I did a meditation exercise. I was supposed to imagine that I was in my favorite place, which was easy. It was a big magnolia tree in my home town. I imagined I was in the tree, about halfway up, and just hanging out there, much as I did when I was a teen. Suddenly I was aware that God was at the top of the tree. And I was aware that I did NOT want to be up there with God. Against my will I saw myself in my mind’s eye climbing down the tree.

That was the first of a series of life changing experiences that brought me to where I am today. (The problem is, I do not KNOW where I am!)

I hope to post more as time goes on.
AlaskanStranger AlaskanStranger 51-55, M 2 Responses Nov 4, 2010

Your Response


I think I'm you 30 years ago.

Why do you think god does`nt want you back?

Do you think god is going to judge you?....punish you.

Now listern to what your heart and soul already know.

God cannot judge or punish you....How could he/ are part of them.

It would be like you being mad at your fingernails.

You turned away from god....god will never turn away from you.

God knows you had to walk that path to understand and experience life.