I Miss My Innocence And My Lord

When I was younger, I seemed to have more wisdom.

Maybe I had less life experience, but I knew more about what mattered.

I found it easier to love and to trust.   I found it easier to be compassionate.   I really knew how to forgive. 

I felt closer to God.  He was closer to me.  Spoke to me.   He was all the magic that I needed.

I became a very giving Christian.   I loved other people and felt a lot of empathy for them.  I did anything I could to help them.   I was a very good and loyal friend and I had a lot of people under my wing who desperately needed someone.    I was responsible and mature and always busy doing things that seemed worthwhile.  I was a cheerful and hopeful person.   I didn't mind the work or the doing.   It pleased me.  And though I was tired, I was walking around smiling and feeling satisfied.    Nothing could shake me.   I had complete faith in all circumstances.

Then something happened.   One day I woke up and felt different.  It was like being ill, but I didn't know why.   I felt empty.    For the first time I really felt that no one was giving back to me.  That I was unloved.   I was putting all of my heart and love out there, and not getting any return.   I remember praying about it, asking God to fill me.   Then my Christian best friend betrayed me, the Christian boy I loved forgot me, and I somehow lost my way.     I became depressed and very sad and empty.   And I was alone.    When I prayed for comfort, I couldn't find it.   Dark feelings took over.  It was like God had left.

I struggled with the feelings for years.  I tried to love a Christian man who wanted to marry me.  But I did not love him as I should have, and I had to end it.    I remained pure for a long time.    Then one day it was more than I could take, and I started dating guys who weren't good for me.  I was so lonely that I started living outside of Christianity, trying to fill the hole.    It didn't work, of course.       There is no substitute for love.    There is no substitute for God.

Now I am middleaged.   I am living with some of the ramifications of those years when I walked outside of faith.   I am struggling very hard to find that girl again.  Who felt good and worthy and forgiven.  Who believed with her heart.    I had such strength back then, and I really did believe that nothing was impossible.       The loneliness is still overwhelmingly painful.   Often I am so disgusted with myself that I think God will never forgive me.   I mean, I knew better, didn't I?    I let the pain of being alone defeat me, and I tried to find comfort outside of my faith.       Because I couldn't seem to find Him there.  And He wasn't in the people around me.         Like I was starving.         Like I feel now.  

I am very confused  .  I don't know what the answers are.   I see people who are in so much pain, and I don't know what to do for them anymore, because now I am one of them too.   I can do some things for them I guess.   I can give good sounding advice or help them with deeds, but my heart isn't really there anymore.   It's like part of it is dead.   Part of my mind has gone.      I don't know how to become that strong girl again who was so wise and inspired.       Can I be restored?       How can I see to walk this next half of life because I don't want it to be the same?    I am afraid and sad.   I feel so lost.            

     I am searching for God.       I need for Him to find me.                        And I need it soon.


Vessa Vessa
41-45, F
25 Responses Nov 22, 2009

You've gotten a lot of response here and I didnt read the responses... but my friend, God has never left you. All you need is to breathe softly and believe. I've traveled your path and asked the same questions and then I decide to just breathe and believe... He's an awesome God and He knows you are awesome too.

I had forgotten about this story...written five years ago. I have come to believe that there are refining and redefining times, and I am learning more about faith over feeling. I think most of us go through a valley or two. Some of us even take up occupancy for a while. But I know He is faithful, whatever I face. I am glad to hear encouragement, as there is never enough. The world has changed a bit, and it's easy to feel isolated or as if you've been abandoned. I think we are all coming into a strange time. THANK YOU.

I can help. He is not who you think he is.. and where people say he is.

You are here: Home >> Articles >>Second Coming of Jesus Christ and the Establishment of Justice
Second Coming of Jesus Christ and the Establishment of Justice

Isaiah 42:1-4 - Here is my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my spirit upon him; he will bring forth justice to the nations. He will not cry or lift up his voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed he will not break, and a dimly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice. He will not grow faint or be crushed until he has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands wait for his teaching.

This is a prophecy that God the Father made through Prophet Isaiah about the Saviour who was to come. When the Saviour came 2000 years ago, he declared that all that has been written about him in the Law of Moses, the Prophetic Writings and the Psalms must be fulfilled (Luke 24:44). But the prophecy that the Saviour will establish Divine Justice on this earth was not fulfilled in his First Coming. He offered his life as a ransom for the atonement of the sins of the People of God and thus completed the first phase of his Salvific works 2000 years ago.

In his First Coming, Jesus Christ cried (eg. Luke 13:34); He lifted up his voice (eg. Luke 8:8, John 7:37-38); His voice was heard on the streets (eg. Mark 1:39). But in his Second Coming no one will hear his Voice on the streets; nor will he weep.

Jesus Christ, the Son of God establishes Divine Righteousness on this earth only in his Second Coming. Justice is established only when He gives eternal Salvation to the righteous ones who eagerly wait for him and eternal punishment is given to those who lead sinful lives. Divine justice is established only when each one is rewarded according to his or her deeds.

Rev. 22:11-12 - Let the evildoer still do evil, and the filthy still be filthy, and the righteous still do right, and the holy still be holy. See, I am coming soon; my reward is with me, to repay according to everyone's work.

Behold, the Good News that the Son of God is going to reveal himself to establish Divine Justice is being preached.

Isaiah 40:9-10 - Get you up to a high mountain, O Zion, herald of good tidings; lift up your voice with strength, O Jerusalem, herald of good tidings, lift it up, do not fear; say to the cities of Judah, "Here is your God!" See, the Lord GOD comes with might, and his arm rules for him; his reward is with him, and his recompense before him.

Oh, my. How sad. I do not know what to say. I cannot tell you what to believe, but there are other religions out there. Look into those. I have read so many books on different religions. I was going to transfer to a college out of town as this college is only a two year. I was going to get a degree in theology-mainly concerned with ancient religions and how we became what we are today. I like the words and works of Christ, though I am not a Christian of the modern faith. I believe the Christians who were brought together after His Crucifiction were the real deal. IF Christ did exsist, that is. I will never tell you nor anyone how to believe. There are so many old religions which came before Israel was conceived. Read. All the books you can on religion. Perhaps you will find your Faith in a book and like lightening, your belief will come into your heart again. Good luck. Calla

I hope you are feeling better right now after 4 years. I could say the emptiness you had then is maybe you didnt really worship God. You seem to had worshiped people around you, you worshiped your "christian" friend and your "christian" boy. And when they left thats why you felt empty. Worship is not only directing your prayers to someone, it has other more fine meaning. When you want something very bad, more than you should, then that is a kind of whorship . When you live your life for someone, waking up thinking about them, sleeping thinking about them, that is also a kind of whorship. Anything/anyone who takes a space in your heart more than the space you give for God, he/it is then your own selfmade God. But again I say maybe and may be not. You know yourself better.

That wasn\'t the case. I never worshiped people, but I did take it to heart that I was to love them. And I did. I suppose that is part of what went missing at the time...the ease of that. There were feelings that I had that I had never had before. More need, I suppose. But I think a bit of that was about hormones. It all happened when I was 17 through my very early twenties. A time of people changing all around me, and my foundations were shaken a bit. I suppose that is part of growing up. And in my mind, as the body of Christ, Christians were to love one another. So when that didn\'t happen, and people who I thought were one way ended up being another, the ideal was shattered a bit. If I made a mistake, I think it was more about walking by feeling or having an idea in my head as to how my life was supposed to look. I looked for God to bring me Christians to fellowship with, and to bring me the right fellow to marry. That is what everyone had assured me would happen. Now that I am older, I realize that it doesn\'t necessarily work that way. And I am feeling more content about it in understanding more about what is going on.
Thank you for reading and for lending your thoughts. :)

I know what you feel. My religion teacher (super-cool guy) back in middle-school explained it to me - everyone who discovers themselves in faith goes to that period just like you did - a honeymoon of sorts. But after a while, it ends. It ended for you, it ended for me, it ends like that for everyone. After that everything gets harder, more challenging. There's a good serbian proverb that explains this best: "Na muci se poznaju junaci" - this could be translated as "Trough strife, heroes emerge". There are no shortcuts or easy solutions, just hard work and determination. God doesn't need to find you, he's been there the whole time. You're the one that has to do the searching.

True. That's the thing...feelings can make us forget other things. And feelings are often unreliable. When rough things happen, I think of that verse about "Those I love, I chasten." Or "In this world, you will have trouble. But fear not- I have overcome the world."


I have the same feeling as yours but I think I am Good going now.. May be my thoughts can help you.

I was following a religion honestly with innocence for 20 years(before I choose my religion I studied the concept of God in Major Religions and Thought this religion was true, and of course I was born in the same religion which I followed)

but the people who follow the same religion had very different interest and character than me, this was in my mind for very long time.

but I got the answers for now to Keep going.

the below points I tell to myself, and not hurting others, by any means it hurts my apologies.

To make it short Lets, split this into 2 subjects.

GOD and Humans.


We need GOD because we have Questions and sometimes fear.
Nobody can convince us whether GOD exist or NOT unless we convince our self.
GOD is Personal. Keep it to yourself, the more you discuss the more you loose faith.(by the way we start to discuss when we are not certain ;) )
Time and Energy is an Asset given to us (Life).How do we use this up to us.
If we are believer we should worship GOD but not to understand the GOD and this Life.
If we are believer be Thankful to GOD, because you know we are better than many people in this world.
If we are believer, believe nothing goes unaccounted in this world.
If you think you have done sin, forget it and don't ever do it again.
Even if All religion are man made, still it(man made)has been Created by GOD.


We are strange..

May be we expect the same kind of attitude and other personalities with whom we think are close or whom we love, but the fact is you never know whats in his or her mind.

Do not do GOOD Things, but do the correct things.

Good things - Bad for you, Good for others(individuals).

correct things- Good for you, Good for the entire Human community.

Your good faith, Innocence does not go waste nor you have been cheated,.. its part of your life.. now you will get better than that you can watch other innocence and if needed you can also become innocence and crazy for some time to enjoy life....

you are not the care taker of poor and the world but certainly you have responsibility for the welfare of the Entire human and other Life.

we live good because other humans have contributed and allowed us to live.. Give back to them by contributing to the feature generations.

Life is about 2 things Intelligence and Feelings, be an artist to balance between the two.

In all my life I prayed to GOD that I don't want to be Hypocrisy to my religion, but now I go to prayer hall not because GOD told me but my own interest and for community enjoyment..... now I understand why other followers character are different... Life is all about learning till death.....Life Goes on.....



The Eternal God is our refuge and underneath are the Everlasting arms (Deut 33 v 27). God still loves you as much as He did when He created you.<br />
Are you familiar with the work of Julian of Norwich? She was a 12th Cent mystic and was the first woman to have work published in English. She wrote 'Enfolded in Love' which is still in print. One of her sayings is 'All is well and all shall be well'<br />
The Peace of the Lord be with you. J

I just bumped into your story while searching for quotes from some Sufi Masters. Your story sounds very familiar to what I hear from many other people. It seems as though a lot of people your age are experiencing the same problem; filling that emptiness. I have some advice to give to you that came to my mind while reading your story. You can do as you desire; however, I thought it might help you. I firstly wanted to tell you that God never sends people tests that they cant pass. So, you should trust your self and believe in God. You can do this, you can pass this, and you can feel fulfilled and tranquil! Trust yourself! Secondly, I believe you can accomplish this by only having some principles in your life. Principles that you believe in and never go against. A religion that you completely believe in. I am a Muslim and have my own principles that my religion has given me. I believe in these principles and have never gone against them. As other people have, I have been faced by many obstacles; however, I have always seen these as positives. Things in life that were given to me as tests that I could pass and learn from. I have tried to learn from each mistake and never repeat them. After all, tests are sent so that we can learn from life. I think you should look into Islam. For example, you can read the Qur'an. Don't forget that you were sent here for a reason. You promised God when you came here that you wouldn't forget Him and you promised Him that you would be a good person. Well, it is clear that you haven't forgotten Him and are trying to return to Him. Many people portray Islam as a terrorist religion, that is racist and stupid. However, they are mistaken. Terrorist may call themselves Muslim; however, they don't live as Muslims which results in them not being Muslims. Islam is a beautiful and deep religion. I don't understand why people always portray a religion by looking at its followers. After all people aren't perfect and can make mistakes. One can only portray a religion correctly by looking at its book and reading about its prophet. I hope this helps you. My parents are converts to Islam and I am grateful every day that they found Islam. My dad told me that the biography of the Prophet called "Muhammad, The Life of The Prophet" by Martin Lings affected him a lot. You might like to read it. Don't loose hope and have a peaceful day!

You are still helping people, even though you are in pain, sharing your story makes others feel less alone in theirs. I also have lost that innocence, and lost my faith in God, and I wish I could bring it back, but it's too far gone, and I've changed so much, that I don't really think I can ever be as I was before. I look for God, but feel Him nowhere. So I must find comfort in what earthly pleasures are here for me, or find none at all.

MissCuddles,<br />
I am sorry this made you cry, though I hope it touched you in a good way too. <br />
I think each of us reaches those crossroads now and then, when the way doesn't always seem clear. I hope that you make the best choice. <br />
I appreciate the good wishes. I am relying on that verse that says that if you seek the truth, you will find it. Seems to me that is the most that we can do. <br />
Peace. <br />

Dear Vessa,<br />
I have read your post and just cried and cried. I understand that desperate longing to feel God again. I am in a similar situation in my life, knowing that i may need to make a decision that God may not approve of, but hoping that he will understand why i need to make it. I wish you peace, and i hope you find God again. I know you will. Best wishes.

God never left you.<br />
Look inside yourself...Past your emotions and ego.<br />
See who you truly are....and there you will find god.<br />
Have no fear.....be that brave little girl....and what you find will amaze even you.

Just pray and believe god is hearing you , and he will answer you ..God knows your heart and your desire to be in the right with him, Its not by mistake you wrote this letter...Its all about faith sister , and you know this, rebuke the devil and shake off your knees and walk like the mighty god we serve is with you because he is.

you have to read in Islam .i know if you did you will find your way to have answer about ur questions

I was a chaplain in the psych ward of a hospital a few years ago (and actually not many of the people in there were crazy in the popular sense of the word--most just had crushing experiences). Anyway, one thing I heard quite frequently from patients was they had lost their faith. <br />
<br />
It finally hit me, while I was leading a group of Life Changes. They did not lose their faith in God, but they lost the innocence of their childlike faith. In other words, they had grown up. <br />
<br />
Growing up is damn hard in some ways. There are many days when I wish I was driving home to my dad, rather than driving home to BE a dad. When I a teenager, life was pretty simple. Now I have bills, an ex-wife, job stresses, etc. Life is just a lot more complicated. <br />
<br />
Same with my faith. When I was a kid, "Jesus loves me, this I know," was about all I had to know. That is no longer the case. "God" is a much more complicated thing for me now. <br />
<br />
So Vessa, this just means you are not a kid anymore. The trick is grow into an adult faith, and accept the complications as the inevitable complications of life.

Be still. For me finding God was about being still, the whole time I was seeking God I was so involved in the search I couldn't see anything, I called out so much I could not hear anything. <br />
In a quiet moment in a pasture when I wasn't even thinking about it God touched me and I have never been the same. I am not saying there aren't other ways to connect with God but to often we don't understand that we unknowingly build obstacles in our minds that are false and misleading that prevent us from knowing God really is already within us.<br />
God is with you always<br />
I pray you know God's peace within your heart

You were being tested of your faith and love for GOD, and didn't recognize. GOD never leaves, you left HIM by dating others that were not good for you. The emptiness you felt, was really an illusion, but you didn't understand and felt it to be real, so you starting seeking out of your own boundaries. <br />
<br />
The Christian who betrayed you is not a Christian at all, because people who love GOD do not betray one another. You didn't see this, because you didn't know how to see. The boy who forgot really never remembered you at all. It was an illusion, you were blinded by the outside, because you didn't know how to read the inside of him.<br />
<br />
My prayer for you, is that you begin walking back to GOD, and this time since you are older, you begin to ask GOD for understanding of what is going on in your life, so you quit "accepting" just anything.<br />
<br />
GOD Bless...

You are a beautiful, vibrant woman. You have had some hard life experiences. So have I. I lost my faith, but found my faith in my animals and this beautiful earth upon which we live. My animals made me care. Keeping this Earth as pure as can be is my purpose. I care for the innocents upon which the evil prey. I saw two of my grandsons born. I watched with awe and saw the purity of love and life. It maynot be the God about which you speak, but something filled me. I know you are good. Perhaps, well, I do not know, but love is here. I have taken a long path through ugliness in actions and pain in motion to find what I am. I am not much, but I love. I could not for a long time, but I now can love. Even the ignorant to whom it is hard to give love, I must try. You are good and kind and you may feel your vessal is empty, but it is not. You are alive. I know you and you know me. You take care. You are needed more than you know. I feel this and know you know it too. Take care.

We can't go back in time, our faith takes different forms, idols, far and near , become human, we acknowledge our limits too.

God is not real.<br />
<br />
Just a pigment of your imagination.

I cryed reading this because, that is where Iam at. I once walked close to God and he spoke to me, I seen miracles and now I feel so empty. I feel as though he left me, but I know that he said he wouldnt leave us or forsake us and by knowing him and his truth he isnt a man that he should lie. But why are we empty and cant seem to find our way back to him?<br />
<br />
I look at myself and see the wrong that I have done and know that the men and women of the Bible sinned as we do and yet they were forgiven and still felt him, some had to go through some dark times or a wilderness in their journey of life. I want to feel him again too. I know he still love you and me, but we do need to feel we are human. I was always tought that it is not in feeling it is in knowing, I guess thats were faith comes in but without feeling we feel we have little or no faith.<br />
<br />
I want you to know you are not alone God is still with you but I feel the same emptiness. And if you want to talk im here and maybe we cant talk about our experiences with God and lift eachother up. God wants us to fellowship with others to lift us up. God bless you and thank you for sharing this,

No one can be a substitute for that man god, So go to him and ask him to help you to restore your past life, If there is a will there is a way, So don't worry about it. Humen love is not the purest of loves, but god's love is everlasting, he's the one only knows our difficulties and sorrows so pray to god when your feeling bad, You know that I was neglected by several people I was sad once but not at all now Because I know that god has some purpose towards, Towards you too, Please don't expect from humen , Expect from god instead. I'll Pray For You Daily.

Dear Vessa,<br />
<br />
Before there was Christianity -or any religion- there was God. <br />
You are constantly thinking and desiring closeness to God. In that is proof, that God is near you, already. You should just think out of the box that was handed to you since birth - that God is in the form that others said He is. We are all searching for God even after we have found Him - the more of God's love we feel, the more Love and Light we crave. Keep craving and keep seeking knowledge with sincerity. God is Most Merciful towards the believers.<br />
<br />
"Say, God is One.<br />
He is in no need of any.<br />
He does not give birth, nor was He given birth.<br />
There is no equal to Him." (Qur'an:112)

dear vessa,<br />
please log on to the website www.brahmakumaris.com. the emptiness in my life which was there since childhood has disappeared only after i actually discovered the true form of god. I was empty inside since childhood, i didnt even have the time that you mention that you had. now my life is full of the love of god, and you know vessa, you'll be surprised to discover how loving and forgiving and caring god actually is. nobody can love you as selflessly as he will. all of you out there who are in search of god, please take that first step towards him, he is waiting to take a thousand steps towards you because each one of us are his children, and he does not want to see us suffer, he loves us that much. all the best. may god shower his love upon you endlessly. god bless