I Miss My Innocence And My Lord
When I was younger, I seemed to have more wisdom.
Maybe I had less life experience, but I knew more about what mattered.
I found it easier to love and to trust. I found it easier to be compassionate. I really knew how to forgive.
I felt closer to God. He was closer to me. Spoke to me. He was all the magic that I needed.
I became a very giving Christian. I loved other people and felt a lot of empathy for them. I did anything I could to help them. I was a very good and loyal friend and I had a lot of people under my wing who desperately needed someone. I was responsible and mature and always busy doing things that seemed worthwhile. I was a cheerful and hopeful person. I didn't mind the work or the doing. It pleased me. And though I was tired, I was walking around smiling and feeling satisfied. Nothing could shake me. I had complete faith in all circumstances.
Then something happened. One day I woke up and felt different. It was like being ill, but I didn't know why. I felt empty. For the first time I really felt that no one was giving back to me. That I was unloved. I was putting all of my heart and love out there, and not getting any return. I remember praying about it, asking God to fill me. Then my Christian best friend betrayed me, the Christian boy I loved forgot me, and I somehow lost my way. I became depressed and very sad and empty. And I was alone. When I prayed for comfort, I couldn't find it. Dark feelings took over. It was like God had left.
I struggled with the feelings for years. I tried to love a Christian man who wanted to marry me. But I did not love him as I should have, and I had to end it. I remained pure for a long time. Then one day it was more than I could take, and I started dating guys who weren't good for me. I was so lonely that I started living outside of Christianity, trying to fill the hole. It didn't work, of course. There is no substitute for love. There is no substitute for God.
Now I am middleaged. I am living with some of the ramifications of those years when I walked outside of faith. I am struggling very hard to find that girl again. Who felt good and worthy and forgiven. Who believed with her heart. I had such strength back then, and I really did believe that nothing was impossible. The loneliness is still overwhelmingly painful. Often I am so disgusted with myself that I think God will never forgive me. I mean, I knew better, didn't I? I let the pain of being alone defeat me, and I tried to find comfort outside of my faith. Because I couldn't seem to find Him there. And He wasn't in the people around me. Like I was starving. Like I feel now.
I am very confused . I don't know what the answers are. I see people who are in so much pain, and I don't know what to do for them anymore, because now I am one of them too. I can do some things for them I guess. I can give good sounding advice or help them with deeds, but my heart isn't really there anymore. It's like part of it is dead. Part of my mind has gone. I don't know how to become that strong girl again who was so wise and inspired. Can I be restored? How can I see to walk this next half of life because I don't want it to be the same? I am afraid and sad. I feel so lost.
I am searching for God. I need for Him to find me. And I need it soon.