I've Become So Good At Faking A Smile.

I got pregnant young and i had a lot going on at the same time and was beyond stressed. At that point i was just stressed out not really "depressed". After I had my son I had postpartum depression really bad but i thought it was normal so I didnt talk to the doctor about it. I got mad very easily. I cried for no reason. I felt like i was completely alone. This feeling went away when my son was about six months old...He is now two and its become worse then ever. I have had suicidal thoughts...I can't focus anymore. I cry for no reason and at random times. I find it hard to sleep anymore. I never really want to eat meals anymore...  Everything that was positive before is now negative. I have no one to talk to other then my Boyfriend but I'm afraid to tell anyone. I dont know how they will act. I have always been there for my friends but i feel like they are never there for me when i need them. The pain is becoming unbearable. it hurts. I feel like just laying in my bed cuddling my bf & son and not worrying about anything. I have talked to a girl that battled depression and actually tried killing her self. and she told me she thinks i need to see the doctor but I'm afraid to admit that i need help. I dont know how. She has really been there for me if i need to talk about the pain i feel and i'm thankful for that. but that doesn't stop the pain from occuring. I am secretly depressed...everyone thinks i'm this happy girl but i'm not. truth is i just know how to fake a smile and fake a laugh. My son and his father are thee only thing that is keeping me here. I love my son and my boyfriend so much and everytime i have had thoughts about hurting myself they come to my mind and i know me hurting myself is going to also hurt them and i dont want that. I just want friends. support. and help. but not sure where to start. :/ ready to be happy again...
babymama16 babymama16
22-25, F
3 Responses Nov 26, 2012

There is help out there, I know admitting you need help is the scariest thing in the world. I was so embarrassed the first time I went to the doctor, but now I am so glad I did and I feel silly for being embarrassed now. I had the exact same symptoms as you; suicidal thoughts, not being able to sleep, constantly being on the edge emotionally, having a low appetite, not being able to focus, I even attempted suicide a few times; the more stressed I got the worse it got. I had to drop out of college, stop going out with my friends, I find it hard to even be around my family. But as soon as I got help I stopped feeling alone and felt like someone understood me for the first time. I'm not completely better but I've stopped getting worse, and now that I have support I know they'll help me out if I need them. Just remember the doctors, psychiatrists and your family are there for you, they just want to support you and help you in any way they can. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed for asking for help, they want you to be better and they want you to be happy. If you ever need to talk to someone I'm always here. I wish you all the best.

fake smile :) perhaps because I'm too often doing it, I can't distinguish now whether it's fake or sincere, I only know that I must smile although I feel really hurt inside

<3 keep your chin up babe! You are a beautiful creator of life. You will beat this feeling and find your happiness again! :)