My Secret Love
I met my now husband Ryan* (*not his real name) via eHarmony 2.5 years ago. We were matched online and met in person on the same day. We had a ton in common and could talk hours on end. Two days later I met Matt*. (*not his real name) I was going to visit Ryan at his apartment for dinner and a movie when he called and asked if I would be interested in going to a concert with him and his friends instead of staying in. I told him that it sounded great. The concert was approximately a 2 hour drive so I figured I would have ample time to get to know his friends in the confines of the car. That is the night I met Matt. He walked in the door of Ryans apartment and I melted. He was beautiful. He had this amazing smile and the most GORGEOUS body I have ever had the privledge of sitting next to on a road trip. To make things worse he had a personality that I instantly meshed with. We were instant friends. That concert bonded us in a way I didn't think was possible. Granted I had a wonderful time with Ryan as well, but it was Matt I couldn't keep my mind off of.
Ryan and I continued dating and I fell in love with him. He was sweet and I loved being around him. We moved into together after dating for about 4 months. Matt was still in the picture but I tried supressing the thoughts I had about him. The day we moved in together was when the trouble started. I found out that he was still active on all the dating sights and had been talking to numerous women he intended on meeting. All while talking to me about our future together. And I suppose in a moment of weakness I called Matt for advice (and possibly to hear his voice). That was the moment that he became my best friend, not just my husband's best friend.
Matt told me that I didn't need to put up with Ryans behavior and that I needed to sit down and talk to him about where our relationship was headed and see if we were on the same page and it was possible to work things out. Ryan and I did just that and decided that we loved each other enough to try and fix the problems in our relationship.
Then 4 months later, we all three decide to take a 3000 mile road trip. By this point Matt and I were extremely good friends. I had no problem calling him instead of my best "girlfriend" in a crisis. But in the back of my head all I kept thinking was maybe I was with the wrong guy. Was I still with Ryan because it kept me close to Matt? Why was it easier for me talk to Matt about my life than it was to Ryan? As I prepared things for our road trip I realized that I was making plans I was trying to make it so that I spent as much time with Matt as possible. Our driving schedule has us awake at the same time and Ryan asleep in the back seat. The trip was an emotional nightmare for me. I was sleeping in the same bed with Ryan but wishing it was Matt.
Matt is the type of guy that I always imagined myself with. He is strong, easy to talk to about important things as well as the little things, in control, he takes care of you in a crisis, but he's also laid back and enjoys wrestling in the floor or popping back and forth with dish towels. Ryan, not so much.
Then I found out that Ryan and I were pregnant. Well i guess technically I was pregnant with Ryan's baby. That it the moment that my life no longer became about what I wanted but what was best for my son. I loved Ryan and I knew that he would be an excellent husband and father. He proposed to me 4 months after we found out we were having a baby and we were married a year later.
However, no matter how much I tried to see Matt as just my friend, I would have VERY x-rated dreams about him that felt so real. I would wake up wondering who was sleeping next to me. I find myself giddy and excited and nervous anytime we the three of us do anything together. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I was more worried about what my wedding dress looked like because I knew Matt would be there.
I just can't keep my mind from wondering if I am truly with the wrong person and that if my son had not been conceived when he was if I would be married today. I love Ryan, but Matt is my soulmate.
I love my son more than anything in this world and want him to grow up happy and healthy, he is one of the greatest things in my life. I feel so guilty for wondering what my life would be like if he had been born a few years later.
I feel so lost. I can't talk to my best friend because my best friend is the problem.