A Rough Couple Of Days

This last weekend has been really difficult for my partner.  Depression has hit pretty hard and the long weekend didn't help much.  I tried to be as accessible as possible, but when the person you love is pushing as hard as possible against you, there's not much you can do.  I spent time with him on Saturday, lunch and an evening with friends.  His spirits were within normal range.  Sunday came around and the depression swept in as motivation drifted out.  We had plans to go to dinner.  He called me two hours before our reservation to cancel.  It was incredibly hard for me.  I tried to be supportive and open and understanding, but sometimes I annoy him by doing that.  He got off the phone after telling me that.

I continued to get ready in spite of this cancellation.  Hopeful, I suppose, that he'd be able to come out of the funk in time to meet me anyway.  An hour before we were supposed to meet I started to text him to tell him that I was going to be there and would wait for him.  If he couldn't come, I understood, but that I'd be there if he wanted to join me.  Fortunately, I didn't have to send it.  While I was writing he sent me a text telling me he'd meet me there.

Unfortunately, the night did not get better.  Our dinner was not what we hoped.  The restaurant seated us poorly.  There was much left to be desired.  But I didn't care, I was glad that he was there, that he had made the effort.  It was apparent that he was struggling to keep his chin up, that the waters of depression were high.  His strength and power of will is a stunning thing to witness.  I can see in him his determination to function in spite of the chains that tie him down, the heavy weight of his condition.

I knew that the poor conditions of dinner had affected him negatively.  I just told him that I enjoy his company (truth) and that I wanted to spend as much time with him as he would give me.  I suggested a movie.  We went.

This did not improve the evening.  I probably couldn't have selected a worse film to see.  The subject matter was incredibly difficult and the mood from there hit a new low.  

But we finished the evening.  And when I left his side I gave him a gift for being who he is to me.  The evening was difficult.  I have never felt so helpless in my life.  It was a new experience for me to be so utterly unable to cheer up a person that I care about, a person who is hurting.  Utterly unable to make a positive impact.  Failure.  I felt like a failure.  

The thing that is the most difficult about this relationship is how I react to the lows with him.  My personality is such that I want to reach out, to comfort, to console, to make better, to fix.  And with him I have to be aware that sometimes nothing I do will achieve this end.  My personality is also such that I want to be as close to perfect as possible.  As right as possible.  As good as possible.  It is this behavior that has been getting in our way.  That has been frustrating to him and to me.

I was preparing to send him a note to this effect when he called.  Through all of the craziness and negative energy that the night had bestowed upon us, he was still in tune enough with me to reach out at just the right time... twice.  I confessed to him my personality as I outlined above.  He thanked me for the gift.  And then we had a lovely conversation.  Talked to each other, laughed with each other, both of us bringing to light and laughing at the disaster that was our evening.

But Monday wasn't as bright as I had hoped.  Lack of motivation and depression were still plaguing him.  The morning was hard.  My conversations with him were filled with his confessions of feeling poorly and my attempts to control his feelings.  My attempts to make him feel better.  He brought this up.  Brought up the fact that I was being controlling.  I had never seen my behavior in this way before.  It was eye-opening.  And painful.

In spite of our pained conversation in the morning, he agreed to meet me for lunch.  As usual, in his presence I felt wonderful.  Something about him and his energy and how it melds with mine makes me feel wonderful in his presence.  I know that his condition will make both of our lives difficult at times.  And when he is hurting, I hurt.  And when his energy swings I can't control it.  I can't control him.  I will be helpless to save him from himself at times.  But I believe in his strength.  I believe in his willpower.  I know that he wants to move beyond the limitations that this condition places on him.

I am still learning.  I am learning him.  I am learning me with him.  I am trying to see myself and improve myself.  And the hardest lesson I learned this weekend is that I can't fix everything.  I can't control life.  The universe is untidy.  But he makes me want to be more, to aspire to change and improve and learn and acknowledge the hard truths about myself.

Through watching him, being part of his life, I become a better person.  And through thick and thin, I want to be there for him.  With him.  This weekend was hard.  And there will be times when it will be much more difficult.  But I want to jump in.  I want to invest in this man.  I want to be a part of his life.  

Monday evening ended on a good note.  He spent time with me.  Ate dinner with me. Talked to me.  We held hands and opened our hearts.  And it was lovely.

jackson7263 jackson7263
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 16, 2010

Well what about you, dear one. make the moment for yourself by loving yourself the way you want to be loved. Then when Love happens it has a greater chance of lasting. Please do not go for something that does not feed your spirit, body, and mind in a healthy, sustainable way. This life is short and what our parents did not teach us is how to make the most of this life. By creating a strong, protective, and sustainable Self Love you can stop looking at and holding on to situations that cannot sustain your life efforts. You can get your life and control of that life back.<br />
<br />
It starts by learning to Love the Breath of Life & Love within you. It also means protecting the Temple ( your body) of your life and spirit because of that Love. <br />
Once you learn how to Love yourself from the inside out .. not the outside in nothing will ever again make you risk yourself for such a small or nothing return. Your new self Love will give you the safety, Love and Protection like no other enity on Earth can give you. This will put you in control of yourself, your life and your life situations. <br />
Hugs and Much Love, livingwell