My Little Share Of The World

I have seen a therapist for most of my life. The 1st time, I didn't know she was a therapist. My mother took me directly to her house, she lived near us. She left us alone in a big room to chat, which now in retrospect I think is strange. She offered me apple juice, but when I declined she gave me a quartet. Which at 7 years old, I found pretty great. I saw her after my hospital stay. I remember seeing her a few more times, then that was it. I went for a swim in her pool a few times. I can't recall much more.
I grew up in a family of depressives: my grandmother, mother & sister were or are depressed in some way. How, I can't pinpoint. We all seem to be tight lipped about that 1 fact. I will tell you about me though...I am pathetic.
I was on and off anti-depressants throughout my young life. And then later on if, I had insurance to cover it. I've seen my fair share of psychiatrists as well, not that I liked them, or that they helped in the least. They help out where family doctors can't. Psychiatrists have more of an idea as to what may work, especially if you are taking more pills than just anti-depressants, which is me right now.
some therapists I liked more than others, male & female, all race's. It does take a while to build up that level of trust. Trust is one thing, and also guts when you spill your life into the lap of another. I have never been great at making friends, and then keeping them. But, now, because I pay her, she has to listen. A friend I have to pay. Boy, that's a REAL friend, huh? Ha!

I was born & raised in a Catholic family, and I married a Catholic man. You would never know it though. We are both the black sheep of our families. We have done crack, ex, smoked coke, even had an abortion together. I guess that's why I feel so comfortable going to a pastoral therapy group, where they believe in the Lord Jesus Christ as well. It helps me, somehow or other. I've told her things that are held in strictest confidences though, like about my 'friend' He started out as a friend at work, but somehow we became lovers. We both have families w/ children. But there are some things I haven't told her yet. I had this other man whom I didn't know very well, that I had sex with over the course of several weeks. Then, there is my husbands cousin, who is totally in love with me, who is married as well. We showed our bare selves to each other by video, camera, phone lines...whatever it took to get a reaction. Am I truly in love with my husband then? I sure thought so the 4 years we were dating before we got engaged, and the 7 years we had been married before all this debauchery began. My debauchery. What a bad, bad girl I am.
how pathetic...no wonder I had a mental breakdown
strangerinacrowd strangerinacrowd
31-35, F
May 17, 2012