I Don't WantI don't want to annoy them. I don't want them to think I'm weird. I dont want people to judge me. I don't want to be isolated.
When I'm in groups of people I dont really know, I am quiet. I say little, even if I want to say something. I don't want them to outcast me because I say something that they think it strange. Its funny. My silence is a double-edged blade. It makes me antisocial. It prevents people from getting to know me. But if they get to know me, what if they don't like me? Its stupid, I know, and I hate it.
My friend, who is all the same clubs as me, is my opposite. He talks freely with the upperclassmen and is loved by everyone. I tried that. It didn't work. How does he know all the right things to say? Is it talent? A gift? Or is it that I am just over thinking things? Thats what he thinks. But when I try to think about it less, people end up looking at me weird. I dont know.
I dont want my friends to leave me. I dont want to be alone again.
My friends have left before. When they come back, if they come back, they are less of a friend. They take a piece of me with them when they leave. So I act differently around different friends. One doesn't like swearing and is very nice and intelligent. One is sarcastic and can come off as mean, but is pretty nice and always has new Ideas. Another is nice and shy and loves to draw. Yet another loves video games. And on and on.
So I pretend to be a person closer to one that they want around. I dont know who the true me is, I am so different. I know things about the true me--i dont like swearing or innuendos, etc--that never change, but other things I dont know. And despite my efforts, I am out of the loop. I didn't know a friend of mine was going out with another until they broke up. I didn't know about an issue they were having until it was resolved.
I dont want to be useless.
I can't help my friend who is troubled because I dont know how to. I can't help myself because I dont want to impose on others. I can't help my friends get rid of someone who has been bothering them without hurting that person because I am "not involved". I can't help make a mural for a school with a non profit group because I am horrible at writing(graffiti, if you dont know).
I dont want to be like me.
I am fat--at least to my school's standards. My sister, who is 2 years younger than me, is taller than me and weighs less than me and is getting better grades and does more sports. My brother is the same. They are both kinder than me and they have more friends than me and the both have at least one friend they can talk to.
And I dont want to keep feeling this pain and uncertainty that I am feeling now, but I dont want people to notice because I dont want them to judge me.