Self Destructive Is As Good As Any Label

I never really considered this to be true, but the more unhappy I am, the more I see the light. The light being what is wrong with me, which happens to be self destruction, self sabotaging, self defeating, and maybe a bit of self loathing.
I always thought that I had a handle on what would come of how I was raised, but that's a joke. I thought that I was pro active in keeping myself away from the pains that my mother subjected herself to. I thought that I was smarter than all of this.

I'm not a cutter, or a person who physically hurts myself, I'm just a woman who has such fear around abandonment, that I won't up and leave a bad situation. I know, it's got to be kind of a joke; the typical woman who loves the ******* and is okay with him treating her bad. Yep, I'm that woman. At least I fuckn see it now, which is kind of a new thing for me. Now it's just how to get out of it.

Now that I see how things will never change, I don't see much that I like about this person anymore. I had so much faith in him. I had so much imagination that I could see what "could be", but never will.
rottenrobi rottenrobi
46-50, F
May 22, 2012