I'm a ticking time-bomb at times.... a self-destructive mess, set on maximum damage infliction, but only to myself i fear..... I don' t know what it is... or why I do it, but I do...... usually as a pre-emtive strike, a form of rejection before I am rejected.  I know its a form of fear, for not being good enough, for not having things work out the way I want them to, so i stop it before it begins.... but after I have done it, after I have self-imploded, I regret everything, i beat myself up, chastise myself, which starts the self-destructive circle in perpetual motion again.... I know this...
BUT the good thing my friends is that I don't do this nearly as much as I used to .... I am more accepting of, not only myself, but the good things that happen to me, I acknowledge that I deserve good things and recognise that the only way to have them is to accept, embrace, open myself to everything offered to me
So i do; oh, don't get me wrong, i still stumble, still find that bomb tick, tick, ticking away, but I am able to find the right wire to cut in order to switch off and stop the timer.... to set the bomb back to safe mode and move on, positively.
lostlittlefirefly lostlittlefirefly
41-45, F
1 Response Jun 11, 2012

Funny, I just wrote an experience in the "I am my own worst enemy" forum called Time Bomb. I feel how you feel and it was nice to read something positive for once.