22 And I'm Shutting Down.

I'm not new to EP, just a new account. I thought I would start over and see how I differ from a few years back. The fact is, there's not much of a difference. I am self destructive in many ways. I'm a bulimic. I really hate my body. I really love food. I really hate my relationship with food. I love the way throwing up feels. It's violent. Like cutting and bruising. I cut in my pubic region, so no one can see. After cutting I won't have sex for a while or at least in the dark so no one notices. The bruising I do with a hammer all over. No one asks questions. I am an extremely smart girl. I love engineering. I'm super talented at math and sciences, but when I am depressed I can't go to class so my grades suffer. Right now I am dealing with this. I haven't been to class all week. I also have problems with drugs and alcohol from time to time. I either sleep too much or don't sleep at all. I also scratch at my face. This gets really bad when I don't sleep, like tonight. And then the scabbing comes, and that makes me even more self conscious about myself. I truly am a beautiful woman. When I want to be. But right now I'm just fat and depressed. I can't bring myself to want to workout and take care of myself. I'm too depressed (word of the day!). I don't know why. Oh I hope I can shake this soon.

ashleynw90 ashleynw90
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 20, 2012