I Keep Hurting Myself

I really don't understand it.  I'm trying to develop a healthy self-value and yet I seem to be sabotaging myself.   This week it has been eating crap (sugar!!!! - which makes me sick, but like an addiction, I keep on going to it), popping pills just to pop them and not feel things, bruising myself, it started by hitting hard objects, but now I find myself using my knuckes or hard objects to bruise my arms and thighs.  I seem to be worse when I'm in meetings or captured in a setting that I can't escape.   I feel like I'm starting to slide down the slope towards suicidal thoughts..... ughhh