Miss You Grandma...

Grandma passed a year and a half ago, I carried her coffin with 5 other distant female relatives. I was the only one who actually knew her. I stayed with her until the very last second, when eveybody else left even before she was put in the little cabin for the winter.. I insisted to carry her to the cabin and help put her coffin on the shelf, I had to be there for her... I then closed my eyes, kissed my fingers and gently placed my hand on the end of the coffin, saying a last goodbye, I then felt like everything was going to be okay, that she was always going to be there for me, no matter what, I felt like it was only the beginning of a precious and unique relationship with her, I felt blessed to now be able to share all my secrets with her, and I could do it in prayers, it didn't have to be out loud, I feel her presence constantly, I know she watches over me and my kids. She loved me when the woman who gave birth to me did not. She knew her daughter hated me, that made me Grandma's favorite. I loved loved her so dearly, I could not bare to see her get more and more sick every year, I was so scared to lose her but at the same time I knew it would be the end of her sufferings. She passed after over 10 years of being in and out of the hospital, and she could never get better cause grandpa (I hate him with all I am..) would beat her and abuse her. After years of batteling the disease, she died of kidney failure. It broke my heart in million pieces, but when I found out she wrote in her will that she wanted her coffin to be carried by women only, it was like a calling, there was my chance to show Grandma I wanted to be there for her throughout the years but my fear of losing her made me push myself away from her so I would not hurt as much. I felt horible for not wanting to go see her the last hours she was alive, it would have been traumatic for me, she had lost half of herself, could not see, speak or move, her skin was black.. I have so many good memories of Grandma, standing in the garden, talking and smilling at the vegetables that she took so much care of every year, the aple shaped plastic candy jar she always had full of sweets whenever I came over, the dolls with no mouths she use to make me.. I later understood that she knew so many things but could not speak them, thats why she use to make them mouthless. We were so much alike... I miss you with all I am Grandma, I wish you the best Mother's Day you ever had, thank you for enlighting me in my darkest times, I love you with all my heart <3
Rheanna28 Rheanna28
26-30, F
May 11, 2012