The One Everyone Loves To Hate...

That's who I can become when criticized. I don't mean to, but it's true.

In fact, I feel like everyone I encounter is a threat that I hate looking at. Like everything that happens is potentially the end of the world.

I don't feel this way forever,  thank God. And, not all negative emotions trigger my response. The emotion is usually disgust, and sometimes anger or hatred. Disappointment, pain and even stress are emotions I sometimes sense which don't turn me into this wicked-witchy state. I think I become like this when I feel that I as a person am being considered inferior, as well as what I do.

When people find me after such news, I am told that my voice is more high pitched, whiny, and has more of an accent. Others hate hearing it. I see little kinks as terrible issues, and I ask for help frequently.

Luckily, I become normal again when the one who triggered the madness apologizes. If there is no apology, it is harder but in a few days I become myself again.

When I recover, things are not always the same, though. Sometimes I loose friends. Sometimes I loose my job, even. The last time I flipped, my husband confessed that for the first time in our five year relationship he considered leaving me, he was that embarrassed about my voice and my attitude, even though I was only that way for twenty minutes or so. Usually people don't explain why they disappear or force me to. But I pair such puzzling endings with the emotional criticism, and know that my reaction, not the criticism, is the cause.

I want to learn to better cope. I know that this seemingly possessed state is one many others get caught up in also. I know a couple people who seem to be panicking/whining in a similar way constantly. Which makes me lucky, my episodes are rare and short. I still need to change, desperately, though. I love my job and my husband. I can't risk losing them due to such temporary insanity.

April6 April6
Feb 9, 2009