Is This a "Gift" Or Suseptibility to External Forces...
I must confess, I feel like a complete idiot for going down this path but I figured maybe some good lighthearted conversation might help me get to the bottom of my dilemma. While I believe more that our powerful and mysterious minds and emotions are suseptable to the MASS of external forces (TV, movies, music, news, anxiety, etc) than I do in ghosts or spirits, I am feeling SOMETHING that I don't like and its a feeling I have experienced most of my life. Its not any one place or location...just me. It seems to follow ME. So let me start my story with this...I can remember as a child being terrified to be alone in my grandparents home. A place of love and security (from my very stressful home) and peace. My grandmother is the closest person to God I have ever known and I experienced nothing but happiness and joy in the presence of my grandparents. They were my best friends and emotional saviors. That being said, their home has also always been a hotbed of "activity" for me and I can't explain why. As a child I would get the knot in my stomach and the sense that someone was just around the corner or just behind me...a sense that if I didn't get away quick or pay attention to whatever it was...it was literally going to pass into the physical realm (so to speak) and get my attention. My sister and brother claim to have also been scared upstairs at my grandparents so I have to wonder if this was just mass hysteria or the three of us breeding this fear in one another (along with all the damn horror movies we used to watch). But it wasn't just upstairs for me...it was every room. But then I lived with them my senior year in high school and had a room upstairs and don't remember having a problem then at all. The most significant experience I recall was not that terribly long ago. It was a matter of days before my grandfather passed away in his bedroom. I was visiting and on "papa watch" that evening. He was in his bed just feet from me with his bedroom door open so I could listen for him. I was on the couch in the living room. I was already under "duress" so to speak...feeling the energy or whatever it was. When I finally closed my eyes, it was as if the room was full of people around me. The feeling was so strong that I literally spoke aloud "please, I am not in any mood for this, I can't take it, I have enough to deal with." In that moment, I felt that this gathering was of no threat to me...they were here because of my grandfather. That wasn't said or spoken or heard...it was felt. As soon as I relaxed somewhat, I slowly felt each "entity" acknowledge my grandfather and leave the house...through the front door. It was bizarre to say the least. So things like this have happened to me over the years, in many places...quite honestly, until recently I didn't realize that it happens more in split level homes where there are stairs and dark corners or places you can't see until you get up there. Because of that, I wonder if it could be remedied with Fung Shui...changing the placement of furniture, softening the corners and the strategic application of ob
I have lived quite an anxiety filled life until recently so I had always thought that could have exacerbated the problem. While others may wish for a "sixth sense" I, for one, want nothing to do with it. I fear that if I open myself to it, I would have to work even harder to control what comes at me and that doing so would make me even more suseptable. It gets so strong at times that I have to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" or shout "NO" or physically elbow it off of me. But again, I know not whether its anxious energy or stress or really a sensitivity to spiritual energies. I just know I want it to stop. Three years ago I started working with a phenomenal therapist and with the work I have done, I lead a near anxiety free lifestyle. I have completely changed my life, my work (formerly in law enforcement) and my life relationships in these past three years by establishing better emotional boundaries. I am in a successful, happy and truly healthy relationship with the most patient and understanding man I have ever met. A relationship I would NEVER have believed existed. So with this newly peaceful life and love, I am bewildered as to why this is coming on so strong again. We have just purchased a newly built home. It is 4 stories and FABULOUS! We have fully furnished it and are in the process now of adding personal touches where we can. Our bedroom is HUGE and open and there is nothing but love goin on in there quite frankly and yet it seems to be the center of activity in the home. Because we are 4 stories, obviously we have lots of stairs and dark corners and perhaps this is what creates some of it. When you are downstairs you are "cut off" from higher floors. While I am "uneasy" on lower floors, again, the feeling is strongest in our bedroom and typically onsets when I am getting into bed and preparing for sleep. Sometimes the feeling is so strong in the pit of my stomach, so overwhelming, I literally cannot sleep. I can't turn off the light and have put a TV in the room because I need the "activity" in the room with me...and maybe that was a bad idea. My boyfriend and I do not fight, we do not argue in this house - there is no negative energy from us in this home. We have his children in the home every other weekend and there is lots of play and joy but I guess that doesn't matter in the larger scheme of things. Lately I have felt it so strong again that I feel it literally reaching out to me as if it is going to pull the covers from my face or pull my hair or appear to me. I lie in bed praying for HOURS to try to fall asleep. Sometimes I do and sometimes I have to turn on the TV and suffer it. If the TV is on and I am watching something happy, I am okay. If just the light is on, it isn't enough...its a pale, dim light and not enough to illuminate the room entirely (hence the TV so my boyfriend at least can get some sleep). I have tried to talk myself out of it...tried to tell myself that logically it isn't possible - it could be that I am stressed (not really), or watched something on TV or the news that stressed me out (very possible) or watched one of those paranormal activity shows that I try to avoid but my boyfriend finds amusing or it could be the placement of furniture, the fact that I don't have my plants indoors or my crosses on the wall or my pictures out and so the "live and love" aren't really in the house. I am at a loss and I am exhausted. I just want to be able to sleep through the night. I want to be able to clean my house and work in my home without being afraid to go upstairs when I hear a noise. I want to be at peace.
Most recently my boyfriend and I were watching TV and again he wanted to watch a show about paranormal research and activity and I was telling him no. He says to me "why, have you been sketched out in the house?" My response was "why would you ask me that?" He says "because I have been sketched out too." He tells me that he wakes every night at 3am without fail (which could very well be that he has trained himself to do so because as this started, he would go get something to eat or drink or maybe watch some TV until he got tired again) and has heard noises in the corner of our bedroom which he described as scratching, that he can't explain other than to chalk it up to the wind, windows or mice which we can't imagine having in a brand new, newly built home. Nevertheless, my skeptic has gotten a little sketched out...which made me want to jump off our rooftop terrace. Next thing you know, we are watching the show and they are saying that 3am is "dead hour," the time of most paranormal activity...which he finds interesting and I find sickening. So I go to bed and here it comes. Stronger than ever. I can't sleep. I watch the clock and fear for 3am. I pray to be asleep before then. So was it the show that instituted these thoughts and feelings in me, or at least exacerbated something I am having trouble with? Or is it time for me to perform a good, old fashioned cleansing ritual? And does that work? And do I have to get all voodoo, metaphysical in my efforts or is there a simple incense and candle burning, reading from my bible, effort I can make to help me get rid of this?
I am fortunate that everyone around me is supportive in my talking about my experiences...those religious and unbelieving, my mother, my boyfriend...everyone is open to discussion and everyone offers a suggestion. My mother spent an entire day sending me cleansing rituals. I am blessed to have such a supportive fr