Separated From Husband About 1 Month - Not Sure What To Do...

I am a 44 year old female, been married for 22 years, have two children, ages 11 and 8. I am an accountant by profession but go to law school part time at night as well so needless to say, life is kinda busy.

My husband is a good man although he has never been very much into communication. He and his family are very much alike in that they would give you the shirt off their backs or do anything for you but they don't know how to have a simple, sincere conversation about anything. His family is also not very physically affectionate either. My family on the other hand is just huggie, kissie, let's sit down and have a long chat kind of people so, of course, that is what I am used to.

My husband says he has always admired the way my family is affectionate towards one another and that we can REALLY talk to one another about anything. He is very affectionate towards our children, of which I am grateful. He is a good financial provider and takes pride in keeping our household in good order (as do I) - I never have to ask him to do "honey do's" as he does them without my prompting.

Our problem is that during the early years of our marriage, I was in college and starting my career and he had just begun his post college career so we were both very busy establishing our professional lives. We had fun together, went out with friends, vacationed a lot and had a blast. However, after we bought our first house and started settling down to have children, I noticed our relationship began to change (this was about 13 years ago). He became more controlling about things (money was the big one). I blew it off but told him that I didn't marry my father and I had equal say about our financial affairs. I realized that he was more comfortable being a "hermit" and didn't really care for socializing at all, he just did it for my sake.

We had fertility issues (we were both tested and the dr's couldn't determine what the issue was) but eventually we became pregnant. Unfortunately we lost the baby at 14 weeks and we were both devastated. Two years went by and we got pregnant again. We were overjoyed when our first son was born. We were very surprised and thrilled when three years later, we had another son. 

However, since the day we brought our first son home from the hospital, my husband has been VERY involved with the care and upbringing of our children. Not in a sick, twisted, ********* way. Just basically giving up his identity to do everything with the kids. I know this sounds weird coming from a woman, and don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than life itself, but as the kids got older and developed their own interests and friends, so did I. I was a stay-at-home mom until they both went to kindergarten but I eventually went back to work and am now back in school.

My husband on the other hand, has no life of his own, apart from work and the kids. All his extra-curricular activities center around "kid-related" things like scouts, sports, etc. He used to have his own hobbies like tennis, amateur radio, art, etc. Now he does none of those things. He doesn't want to spend any time with me anymore. And if we ever do go out on a date alone, all he talks about are the kids and his job (because he has nothing else going on in his life). It has gotten so bad lately that I have been sleeping on the couch and he doesn't even notice. We haven't slept together in over a year.

So about 8 months ago, I told him that if things didn't change I was leaving. We could have joint custody of the kids but I was not staying in a one-sided relationship (I had been buying books and tape programs, we had attended marriage workshops, gone to counseling with our pastor at church, but we never would stick with anything and went back to the same old pattern of ignoring each other).

I guess he didn't think I was serious because after we got back from vacation in July, I moved out. This was about 1 month ago.

One of our issues was that we moved to TX from AL about 4 years ago and have been living in an apartment that was very tiny (compared to our house previously). The intention was to live there a year while we got debt-free and saved for the house. Well we lived there for 4 years (lots of financial thing came up) so I suggested we live in a leased home until we could buy. He wouldn't even entertain the idea but we lived near a college campus that was noisy and inconsiderate of their neighbors. In addition, my husband rented this apartment initially without consulting me and the apartment is on the 2nd floor. I broke my leg 5 years ago and have a hard time going up and down staircases (one of the reasons we sold our home - it was a 2 story house). My new home is a gorgeous one-story rental house with a backyard. (The kids love it and so do I.)

He and his family have tended to make decisions over the years without consulting me. Specifically, over the course of our marriage, he bought two cars without even telling me first, let along consulting me. I have always contributed 1/2 of our household income but he makes financial decisions without consulting me. Yeah, right! And his mother is constantly asking his opinion about household matters that really should be made by both of us For instance, she recovered all of our furniture and made drapes for our home as she is a seamstress but asked his opinion ONLY about fabric, styles, etc. Also when she came to help when I broke my leg, she rearranged my whole house, kept me from seeing my kids (her theory was they would be bored just hanging out in my bedroom when I couldn't do anything with them) and just generally took over as "lady of the house" then entire time I was laid up for three months. In addition his father has been verbally abusive to me throughout our marriage because he is a redneck hick from Alabama (i'm from Los Angeles) and he feels that he can say any racist, slanderous remark about anything and anyone without consequence (I do stand up to him because I find him HIGHLY offensive and he is ugly right back to me - my husband does not defend me whatsoever even though he tells me he feels the same way I do about what his father says)

The list goes on and on about how I have felt like a piece of furniture in my own life - used when needed but ignored most of the time by both my husband and his family. Anyway, since I've been on my own, I am feeling a sense of freedom I haven't felt in years. Yes, I get a little lonely at times but I don't have to deal with the criticism or being ignored anymore either.

My problem is, I am dealing great with this separation, the children seem to be doing fine as they see both of us all the time. But my husband is not doing well with it. We are in counseling right now and our counselor has suggested that we "take a break" from the marriage right now and focus on ourselves and get healthy (physically, financially, spiritually, career, etc.) for a few months and then see if we want to work on getting back together. I think that's a great idea but my husband keeps pressuring me to see if he can stay over, do on dates, etc. I don't want to hurt his feelings any more than I already have but he has no concept of boundaries. I left because I need space and he isn't giving me any!

How do I explain this to him so that he gets it? The more he pushes me, the more I want to run away FROM him not TO him. That is what he doesn't seem to get. Even the counselor said that if we got back together now, we would most likely go back to the same patterns of behavior as before.

Any advice would be appreciated as I am at my wits end and am very close to just ending this now!
oreo1744 oreo1744
11 Responses Sep 22, 2010

I can help can we be friends good friends indeed

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I went through this a similar situation last year. My wife and I had been having issues and we separated after 3 years of marriage. We do not have kids (which made things easier) but, I come the the realization I want a divorce. The main thing is You and only you can decide if you are ready for divorce or not. Also, one thing that I did learn is that life is too short to be unhappy.

I am not sure if this helps..

yaa i here you and u have explain it better you have to tell him to back off and give you a space that you agreed on an let him knows that you still care but u cant make a good daecision when he still running to you every time. he needs a time to miss you and u might feel like you dont want to go back to him anymore because me time is good for a person who have been egnored and take one steep at a time i am a devorced lady before we devorce we agreed to separate and i feelt so good being separated from him and i end up asking for a devorce because i didnt want to go back to him after the way he treated me so think it throgh and make a decision

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So glad i read these posts! I have been married for 23 years
I am fortunate that there was a loop hole in our marriage that brought about the separation and that was a debt of £40.000. I put him out and had only 10pence to my name.

As an accountant, his inability to give direction over our finance was a constant irritation
we have been separated for 6 weeks he had no choice but to give direction in our finances and now we have a small debt of 6,000.

But he has not given me any space at all. He is always here and the thing that really gets me is that I let him be here. I thought I was going bonkers. I am a very chatty assertive individual but apparently not when it comes to my husband.

Towards the end of his visit this evening( these visits seem to end at 11.30pm each night) I felt myself becoming very quiet and incredibly polite whilst on the inside, I was screaming GO AWAY YOU ARE DRAINING MY LIFE AND MY ENERGY and how can I miss you if you won't go away!!
I am not ready to live with him in fact I don't want to because I don't trust him.

My husband had said to a group of friends of our in the early days, that he felt that it was his responsibility to clip my wings. I was so shocked at this statement and can honestly say that for 23 years my husband had succeeded in infecting me with his fears, and insecurities so much so that I worked harder and longer at tasks in order to gain acceptance from my for colleagues, peers and social circles when all the while their opinions of me were directly related to my opinion of myself.

Nowadays, I like myself and I would like my husband to like himself also. I love being free to think and I would like my husband to be free to be also.....this freedom I feel however, can only be achieved for him if he gets a life and stops trying to steal mine.

i am seperated for a month some of my friends say i should start looking again but i have a two year old and not ready yet. when is the right time to date after seperating. me and my husband have no intention of getting back together

Anytime a divorce happens it is a sad situation for me. I know you said that you both had counseling but there must be a fundamental reason why it didn't hold. From what I gather your husband is a strict provider and was worried all these years for the finances. Most women would enjoy having a responsible spouse (just read these boards) and also, as icing on the cake, loves and adores his children. I am very much siding with the belief that perhaps you both mutually wanted out. Perhaps you didn't try as hard as you say you did? I'm meaning to slander you but her mother coming over and helping you out when you were bed ridden was a great gesture BUT your comments about her taking over the house must be taken with a grain of salt. You were already done with the relationship many years back and it eschewed your opinion of him and his family. I truly would have wished you both would have tried harder. (calling his father a HICK and then stating that you are from Los Angeles is self serving. California, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida are all wonderful states and anyone from any of these locations should not be stereotyped).

I am the author of the story above and it has been 8 months now since I moved out.<br />
<br />
Things have gotten better but we are now in the process of divorce. We went to counseling for several months but it was apparent to me right away that I could not go back. It took him a little longer to realize that I wasn't coming back but he has now given up as well. It does make it easier now that he is not pressuring me so much.<br />
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The kids are doing fine. My husband finally told his parents that I moved out and that we are divorcing. Actually the divorce is going to be rather simple. We have basically done and decided everything already so we are using a mediator rather than hire two divorce attorneys and spend a ton of money. This will make it cheaper and quicker and much less contentious all around. We truly have nothing to fight over.<br />
<br />
So now that some time has gone by, I am moving on with my life and my husband has decided he needs to as well. School and work are keeping me very busy as well as the kids but that is good. It will make the days go by quicker and before I know it, I'll be single again.<br />
<br />
How weird! Single and having to learn how to date again. I'm not quite there yet but it's a lot to wrap my head around.

I've been separated for 3 and 1/2 weeks, my husband walked out saying it's over!, reckons he's been trying for years (NEVER showed up at Relationships Australia Session?) but that's it, said I can stay in the house for as long as I need, then it's going on the market and NO MORE DISCUSSION is to be entered into. So I guess I need to move on??? So unfair that one person can make that decsion. BUT Damned hard when he is represented everywhere in MY home, (once OUR home), His clothes in the bedroom, in the walk- in-robe, on the chair, photos of him everywhere, Things he's touched, his pillow, his towel? Then when he comes over to get his mail and brings my son to visit he wants a hug when he arrives and a hug when he leaves! IS THAT FAIR? --- My heart is being ripped to shreds. What do I do to get over him?

Oh my goodness. So very similar to my own experience. i've only been separated a week and a half, yet my husband has been by the house every day (I agreed to allow him to walk the dogs each day), but instead of just walking the dogs he's been shoveling, bringing in the mail and the recycle bin, feeding the cats, reading the newspaper and checking the phone messages. It's only been a week but it feels like we're not at all separated! I generally am not home yet from work when he stops by, but twice now I arrived home and he was still here, and then I was home Saturday when he came by. I am struggling with trying to tell him that I need more space. I really think agreeing to let him walk the dogs was a mistake. Initially I knew I agreed because it is a help to me, but I know he is doing it for himself, not for me. Like I said, it's only been a week and a half, but so much is going on that is driving me crazy!!! I just don't want to hear from him for a chunk of time... days would be great. I would be fine with talking to him once a week max until we start our couples counseling (waiting to hear on an appointment date).