Separated From Husband For 3 Weeks And Counting

I have been married for 6 years. My husband is bipolar and tends toward mania. We have a young son together. Over the course of our relationship, my trust has been broken time and time again. He has not had an affair, but my trust has been broken in other ways. For example, saying he is working late, but actually going to a ***** club, saying he is no longer addicted to ****, but spending hours a day on the internet looking at it. After the ***** club incident, we were in counseling together for about a year. In some ways it helped, but not enough to elicit any real change. Husband seemed to forget what had happened in the session as soon as we were out the door. Never did any of the homework the counselor suggested, etc.

We quit marriage counseling due to finances. I knew things weren't fixed, but wasn't sure what else to do. I hoped our problems would go away by themselves Obviously, our problems have only continued. Everything came to a head one night just three weeks ago.

He called me and told me he was on his way home and would be there in an hour or so. 5 hours later, I got a phone call from him. He and a buddy had been drinking. The friend was driving with my husband as passenger and they crashed into a tree. Thankfully no one was hurt. This could have been so much worse than it was! Not only were they tossing back a few cold ones, they were taking shots (not sure of what) while they were in the car. Who does that???

Suddenly, everything seemed clear to me. He is NOT going to change. And why am I waiting around while he continues the same behavior over and over again? Six years of hoping he would grow up. Six years of hoping he would take responsibility for his illness. Six years of walking on egg shells around him. Six years of trying to do everything and be everything to make up for all that he isn't. I am exhausted.

Yet, here I am separated. Not divorced. Because some small part of me has hope that maybe we can still make this work. He has started weekly counseling and when the time is right I will go as well. I am giving myself time and space to heal and am hoping that he is using the time and space to figure out his stuff.

Smetimes I want nothing more than to be back together. Mostly I'm just ready to be done.

I could go on, but I won't I story is more complicated and the bipolar has affected both of us more than I have related here. May share that another time.

cylongirl cylongirl
31-35
Sep 7, 2012