It's been more than a year since my former significant other moved out. I ache. I hate him for what he did to me yet I mourn his loss. I'm angry and sad, want revenge and yet secretly wish him no harm.
I told my lawyer I want him eviscerated, emasculated and brought down like a dog. But that's not who I am. It's not my voice but the voice of a stranger who said that. I am a kind and gentle person, I do for other people on a daily basis. I am a provider, a solution finder and a good person. Not a she witch.
It makes me feel disgusted with myself that I should even think, let alone say, such things. He is the Father of my son. How can I wish evil things on him? Why do petty little things to make him pay for his sins? Capitalize on his inability to do even the simple things at time. I shredded his mail. You'd think after a year plus he's have the sense to change an address. Yet watching his tax forms and bills be ripped and torn into confetti made me smile. It gave me a moments joy. Tee hee hee, you're screwed buddy I think to myself as I feed the machine more and more mail. I used to mark it no forwarding address and then decided its not my problem. But regardless shredding it brings only a momentary respite in my pain. Its laughable that I should be so petty.
Each time I try and get passed this hole in my life, this void, I get pulled back to square one by a memory or an event. I let go and yet some how I never let go. Why? Why can't I just close the book and start a new chapter like I do with other things?
I spent almost half my life with him, 23 years with this person who like Voldemort of Harry Potter fame is now my he who must not be named. It had few easy times fewer good times this marriage of mine. It was one long very drawn out bicker battle.
I made some pretty interesting mistakes I guess. He made more. So why dol I feel abandoned when it was so far from an ideal marriage? He was hypercritical and belittling. I don't miss that - I don't miss his juvenile behaviour or his weed smoking either. I don't miss his putting his extended family before his own wife and son. I don't miss his indecision and lack of respect.
I achieved a lot dammit. He should have been proud of my accomplishments not blown them off as insignificant. I wouldn't have worked so hard done so much for him and our son if I had known I was simply a good meal ticket. No one would. He gave up on his own career early on. Would have been completely content to continue to live in small old townhouse in a changing neighborhood - a place where i was afraid to let my son go out and play without one of us being there. I achieved my goal -a big house, a great neighborhood, safety. And still that wasn't enough for him. I worked like a dog for 23 years and succeeded against the odds. Why wasn't that good enough? Why was that so what and who cares? He should have been happy I shared my success, not made me feel that it was of absolutely no consequence. We had expensive vacations, and a good life, all from the sweat of my brow and it wasn't good enough. Why?
When will I feel less like I was used and abused and a bit more like the person I once was? I was strong, confident, able to meet challenges head on and win, and now I can't even seem to focus for more than a moment? I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
Geeze Im 50 years old and starting over again? Its ludicrous. I wear a mask that says I'm ok, for my son and the few friends I have left, my business acquaintances. I wear it for myself so I can just keep going. When will it stop being like this? When?