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Very Distraught, Emotional Agony

My husband and I have been having problems, and I have been watching our marriage literally shrivel up and die, but not for lack of (me) trying. I have read so many books designed to save the marriage on your own, change MY attitudes and behaviours, and so on, but that had no effect on his own attitudes and behaviours whatsoever. He is very controlling, with myself and our three kids and isn't around much lately due to work, and all of his hobbies. I've been being taken for granted for too long. However, all that I have wanted, our entire 7 yr marriage is some affection and love, wanting to be kissed- really kissed (not just the peck on the lips)...I haven't been kissed in 11 years. I want some affirming words, something to let me know that he LOVES me, and wants to grow old with me. If I had any of those, I could continue to cook, clean, mow lawn, shovel snow, whatever because I would know that he loved me. This is sounding ridiculous, even to me, but I guess that's what it boils down to.

Anyway, after an incident where I stepped in while he was "disciplining" our son by threatening to take his lunch and throw it in the garbage (that is called the ultimate sin of UNDERMINING in this house) he just shot me an evil look, and walked out the door. He was gone for the next week (To his mom's 5 blocks away).....I was OK that week (mostly cause I was mad!) but this past weekend we took the kids to a planned trip in the motorhome and by the end of the weekend I was already mourning the good parts of our marriage. The sex was wonderful when it happened- not often enough- we both shared the same sense of humor and loved the same TV shows and laughing together. I used to love waking up and fallling asleep next to him. I realized last night that it's over. We tried to talk (I asked him to come and sleep with me, just for that night- FOOL) but it turned into me crying and him blaming me for the majority of our problems. He couldn't console me, tell me "It's OK" even....he just seems so cold and unemotional, and angry, and I can't figure out why. Here I am, devestated and broken, wanting nothing more than to lie down with him and put my arms around him and he's angry.

I have cried SO much in the past 2 days my eyes are sore and I'm dehydrated. I've been surviving with the help of Ativan and tequila - Yes, I know that is SO wrong. Hopefully just to get me through this phase. My friends are very busy and my family is so far away, and I feel very alone. His family is all in town here but I'm not close to any of them. I'll let them take his side anyway.

Thanks,

Sage

sagegirl sagegirl 36-40, F 7 Responses Sep 2, 2008

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Sagegirl, I hope you are doing better since your update. I feel your pain. Your original post and updated one happen to be just like my current situation. Please know that we can eventually get through our pain. Yes, we may want our husbands to return to us, (on their hands and knees begging is my preference). However, we want them and our marriages to return to the way they used to be.



Stay strong. May you be blessed.

It has been over a year since I wrote that original post. in the meantime, he did leave finally- went to mom's house and never came home. she built a new room in her basement for him to stay 3 months later. (supportive!!) He has never owned up to his part in the marriage breaking down and he is still close "friends" with the woman he had an emotional affair with, the incident that started all of the problems between us.



Life has been a roller coaster ride of emotion for me in the past year. The separation has been traumatic for me and of course, the minute he left all I could remember were the good times, totally forgetting things like what I posted here. I know that a happy marriage with him is impossible. I have dated, and have had a 5 month "total" relationship (we split up several times with me going back every time) that was disastrous. I have lost myself, have turned into an adolescent again, and have internalized all of my pain in the marriage. I am lonely, I feel like I want someone to love me, to miss when they are away and to look forward to seeing again. I would take my husband back in a second though if he asked, and that is so messed up.

i know the feeling, it sux , try if you can but - sometimes you heve to know when to let go if you are flogging a dying horse- i still dont know , still feel confused

Sage, I have been there. Don't give up on your marriage or to your man....there's obviously some stress in the house. Whether it's his or yours...the point is....it's not getting handled properly.....there's no communication, that's the first problem. P.M. me if you would like and I will share my story with you.....we have contemplated divorce before and all because we were playing the "blame game". The children deserve to have two emotionally healthy parents....if it means counseling while he lives with his parents, then so be it. Just make sure you two continue to date.....please message me. I would like to help. ((HUGS)) Missy

Yes, Strawberry, you're right, absolutely. I have been on this earth 38 years and I still haven't learned how to be emotionally healthy, have always relied on men to give me love and supply my emotional needs. Now it's time to realize the damage that it's done to my self esteem and to protect my children from following in my footsteps. Now how do I do that? I haven't found a counselor yet who could even scratch the surface in telling me how I get emotionally healthy, and even if I did, I'm sure I would be in their office every week for 7 years or something and I'm not a multi-millionaire.

You definatley need to go to counseling, for yourself. You cannot continue to live like this. What are you teaching your kids, what are they learning about relationships???

I completely feel your pain, we are always the blame. No matter what they do or say. They never take responsibility for their own actions. Fine let him be that way. But you take responsibility for yourself, and that means getting emotionally healthy. Don't you deserve to be happy??

I'm sorry to read your story, Sage. Would he be open to marriage counseling? It sounds absolutely necessary - even if you just go by yourself at first.

Good luck!