Very Distraught, Emotional Agony
My husband and I have been having problems, and I have been watching our marriage literally shrivel up and die, but not for lack of (me) trying. I have read so many books designed to save the marriage on your own, change MY attitudes and behaviours, and so on, but that had no effect on his own attitudes and behaviours whatsoever. He is very controlling, with myself and our three kids and isn't around much lately due to work, and all of his hobbies. I've been being taken for granted for too long. However, all that I have wanted, our entire 7 yr marriage is some affection and love, wanting to be kissed- really kissed (not just the peck on the lips)...I haven't been kissed in 11 years. I want some affirming words, something to let me know that he LOVES me, and wants to grow old with me. If I had any of those, I could continue to cook, clean, mow lawn, shovel snow, whatever because I would know that he loved me. This is sounding ridiculous, even to me, but I guess that's what it boils down to.
Anyway, after an incident where I stepped in while he was "disciplining" our son by threatening to take his lunch and throw it in the garbage (that is called the ultimate sin of UNDERMINING in this house) he just shot me an evil look, and walked out the door. He was gone for the next week (To his mom's 5 blocks away).....I was OK that week (mostly cause I was mad!) but this past weekend we took the kids to a planned trip in the motorhome and by the end of the weekend I was already mourning the good parts of our marriage. The sex was wonderful when it happened- not often enough- we both shared the same sense of humor and loved the same TV shows and laughing together. I used to love waking up and fallling asleep next to him. I realized last night that it's over. We tried to talk (I asked him to come and sleep with me, just for that night- FOOL) but it turned into me crying and him blaming me for the majority of our problems. He couldn't console me, tell me "It's OK" even....he just seems so cold and unemotional, and angry, and I can't figure out why. Here I am, devestated and broken, wanting nothing more than to lie down with him and put my arms around him and he's angry.
I have cried SO much in the past 2 days my eyes are sore and I'm dehydrated. I've been surviving with the help of Ativan and tequila - Yes, I know that is SO wrong. Hopefully just to get me through this phase. My friends are very busy and my family is so far away, and I feel very alone. His family is all in town here but I'm not close to any of them. I'll let them take his side anyway.