Tears welled up in my eyes, even though my heart was feeling light and free. The reality of our situation washed over me with each new moment that signalled the end. The real estate lists, the child care agreements, the dividing of things for each new home that was being created. Discussions of life apart, and the reality of what the future would hold and how we would be.
Even though we did still share the house for a while, our lives as we knew them had come to an end. The house was filed with a strange stillness, a stark comparison to the weeks that lead up to the early morning conversation which catapulted him and I to a life lived alone.
The day I told him what I wanted, I was looking into his eyes as we sat across from each other, I could see they were filled with hurt and surprise. He was caught off guard with my words of separating, it seemed so clear to me that we were not working, but to him it seemed to have been a bearable state of living. As he tried to comprehend what I was saying, I suddenly felt the urge to suck back all the words I had just spoken, for they had tumbled so forcefully out of my mouth, without a care and now I felt that I needed to make him feel better. But I couldn’t do that, I knew the choices I was making for us all were the right ones, they were the hard ones, the ones that no one ever wants to have to say out loud for fear that suddenly your world crashes around you.
After the dust has now settled, after the tears have stopped falling and the haziness of getting use to days, that no longer contained that one person who was always there. I realise that feeling of dependability, that you always knew you had someone there, you were not alone, was all false because it had turned into complacency and dependence.
Sitting here on my own now, as I look down to where my wedding rings use to be, all that is there is pale skin in comparison to the rest of my finger. Ten years of no sun reaching that part of my hand, I guess with time that will change and become the same tanned colour as the rest of my skin. Like the rest of my life, because after the storm always shines the sun and it blazes across the sky to remind me that there is always life and hope, no matter how hard things get. It touches my skin, my face and my soul and I am re-energised.
I have finally fallen back into all the familiar things my life holds, easily and happily I get about my day. All the things I thought I wanted to escape, and run far away from; I no longer have such a heavy heart and see clearly that what I really wanted to escape was the sadness. And by separating from my husband, I have begun to carve a new path for me, one that will not contain the kind of sadness I once lived with.