Cycle (please Help? If Anyone Knows Why This Happens...i Just Want To Get Through My Exams)

For months I feel low. I feel like sleeping for ever. I don't feel like going to school. I don't feel like going near people. I hallucinate. I feel highly self conscious. I remember moments where I embarrassed myself. Everything feels awkward. I feel awkward. Starving myself seems hard but I struggle through. I get angry easily. I feel like throwing all the food away. I cut myself. I force myself to think negatively. I repeatedly remind myself how fat and ugly I am and that anorexia is good..the way out.....

Then....


Then....

I see a flash of positivity! I'm struck by stunning inspiration. I feel confident. I can't sleep. I'm restless. Rapid speech. Rapid thought. Continuous thoughts of sex, of being held, of being loved, of having someone. I write masterpieces. I start seeing how skeletal I am and I like it...so I continue. I motivate and help others. I tell funny jokes. I laugh. I draw an artistic masterpiece. Some portrait with one striking eye and tons of colourful, gothic tattoos all over it's face.....I draw all day and all night, feverishly working myself down to the end....and then.. 

And then it stops. 

I break down into tears, incontrollable tears that tear at me. I curl up and hide afraid to show my struggle. I loathe myself. I hate what I'm drawing. I have no inspiration. I sleep for ages. I drag myself to school. For months I feel low. I feel like sleeping for ever. I don't feel like going to school. I don't feel like going near people. I hallucinate. I feel highly self conscious. I remember moments where I embarrassed myself. Everything feels awkward. I feel awkward. Starving myself seems hard but I struggle through. I get angry easily. I feel like throwing all the food away. I cut myself. I force myself to think negatively. I repeatedly remind myself how fat and ugly I am and that anorexia is good..the way out. I start believing I deserve punishment......I attempt suicide..... 

It's a never ending cycle. Happening all the time. I don't understand why though but it's tearing my whole life apart. Why does it happen? I don't know. All I know is I deserve punishment. 
WordHustler1995 WordHustler1995
18-21, F
2 Responses May 5, 2012

Hey, let me know how you are feeling right now. I did felt like you many times in my life. It's kind of viscous circle... Feeling so so low for sometime and feeling enormously energetic and this thing continues... And kind of feel guilty about lot of things... reason could be of no help and on and on! you are not alone!

you do not deserve punishment, I know what you are going through, maybe not to that extent but ive been there with feeling low and wanting to starve myself and sleeping for days and wanting to end my life. I know you may not want to hear this but the best thing that you can do is talk to an adult you trust about how you are feeling. you cant do this alone. you need to support of others. you are amazing and you dont even know it. no one deserves punishment for feeling the way you do. you deserve support and love and there are many places where you can find it. i went to an older friend that i trusted first and she helped me from then on. you may feel like a burden to other people but there are so many people out there that care and want to help. remember you are never alone. you are incredible.

Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot that you took time out to read this and comment. I appreciate your encouragement and support loads. I just wish I could break free for once and never have to go through it again. I have tried to seek help but most people just call me attention seeking so I taught myself to hide and face it alone. Talking is very difficult sometimes. I can't talk but I can write things down and I get looked strangely at because of how I sometimes act around people but I can't help it. I don't know how to talk to people sometimes because it seems like the scariest thing I have ever done. I sound mad. I'm sorry.
I appreciate your kindness, your concern and your help because it means a lot coming across someone else who has faced something similar. Thank you very much and I hope you're doing better now? Take care X

You are so welcome. DO NOT think that you sound mad! I know exactly where you are coming from, we sound so similar. I am still really struggling but I have been talking to people that are helping me. I HATE talking about feelings. It's like as soon as I have someone sitting in front of me ready to listen or I just think about having a conversation with someone like that in general, I'm completely lost for words. It's really frustrating but also a great relief to know that someone feels the same. You are not alone :) I also write my feelings down. I also feel very alone and like an outsider because I just feel like no one understands me. There is great comfort in knowing that we are sorta in this together, even if you are a stranger. I have believe that we will both get through this and be happy and healthy in the end. Facing this alone is the scariest thing ever so find the courage to keep looking for help, there are so many people out there who won't think you are an attention seeker and will want to help you. You take care as well x