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A Constant Ache, A Pain That Is And Always Has Been...

I'VE SUBMITTED SEVERAL STORIES ON HERE OF MY OWN EXPERIENCES WITH THE UGLINESS OF DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. I HAVE DAILY THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECTS AND I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT. SO THERE THEY ARE IN MY HEAD BEING DISCUSSED BY MY INNER SELF. I HAVE TRIED AND CONTINUE TO TRY TO FIND WAYS TO DISTRACT IT, I'VE GIVEN UP YEARS AGO ON A CURE BECAUSE I TRY TO GET BETTER AND IT SEEMS TO ONLY WORSEN. EVERYTIME I SEE A STORY ON THE NEWS ABOUT ANIMAL CRUELY AND HUMANE CRUELY AND CRUELY TO THE EARTH IT MAKES ME WISH MY TIME ON THIS EARTH COULD BE SHORTENED OR THAT I HAD BEEN BORNED LESS SENSITIVE. I'M SURE MY VIEW ON LIFE AND THE WORLD GETS ON OTHERS NERVES, HOW DARE ME MAKE OTHERS THINK ABOUT SUCH IMPORTANT SUBJECTS. I GUESS THAT JUST MAKES ME A SELFISH INDIVIDUAL. I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS WHICH IS OF MY OWN FREE CHOICE. I ONLY SOCIALIZE AT WORK BECAUSE THATS WHAT I'M SUPPOSE TO DO I GUESS. FAKE A SMILE, LET OTHERS KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE TO THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM. THAT ALL IS WELL THE WEATHER IS GREAT, WE ARE SAFE AND FREE OF ALL DANGERS, THESE MAGIC PILLS WILL MAKE YOU BETTER AND LIVE LONGER. I HATE MY LIFE. I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND BUT I KNOW HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND. I LOVE MY PETS AND WORRY OF THEIR FATE IF I DIE. MY MOTHER IS DEPRESSED AND BASICALLY DENIES IT AND REFUSES HELP. SHE HAS TAKEN CARE OF OTHERS HER ENTIRE LIFE AND CAN'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF. SHE IS CLOSED MINDED AND A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN. I AM PAGAN AND BELIEVE IN THE LOVE OF ANIMALS AND EARTH AND CHOOSING YOUR OWN PATH. I'M SURE MY BELIEFS KEEP HER UP AT NIGHT CRYING AND PRAYING FOR MY HEATHEN SOUL. I'M SO LOST IN LIFE. I REALLY SOMETIMES WANT NO PART OF IT. I JUST WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES AND GO TO SLEEP AND WAKE UP IN A BETTER PLACE. A PLACE WHERE NO PHYSICAL RESTRAINTS HOLD ME LIKE I FEEL THEY DO IN THIS EARTH. I STAY SO SAD. I CAN'T CANT SMILE OR LAUGH UNLESS I FAKE IT. I'VE HAD MEDICATION, SEVERAL DIFFERENT TIMES THAT DO NOTHING FOR ME. I'VE BEEN TO DOCTORS AND THEY MAKE ME FEEL LESS THEN SCUM. I EAT HEALTHY I'M A VEGAN, NO ANIMAL PRODUCTS FOR ME AND IF I PRACTICE MY RELIGON I ONLY USE CRUELTY FREE PRODUCTS. I TAKE VITAMINS. MY OVER ALL APPEARENCE HAS BEEN TOLD TO ME AS ATTRACTIVE, BUT I DON'T CARE. I DON'T FEEL ATTRACTIVE NOR DO I REALLY EVEN CARE ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO VANISH, EVAPORATE INTO THIN AIR, CRAWL OFF INTO A HOLE AND DIE AND BE FORGOTTEN. NOT A BIG DEAL TO BE MADE, JUST NATURE, JUST LIFE. MY LIFE ISN'T THE SAME, IT DOESN'T FEEL REAL I DON'T EVEN THINK THE HAPPY PERSON I USE TO BE EXIST IN THIS BODY. I THINK SHE DIED. MY BODY IS NOW FILLED WITH THE GHOST OF HER. A SHELL OF HER SPIRIT ROAMING THE EARTH TRYING TO FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS BODY. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN HANDLE THIS PAIN. A DAY, WEEK, MONTH, YEAR? WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO DIE I WANDER. TO KNOW ITS COMING AND NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO PREVENT IT. I'M OBSESSED WITH STORIES OF THE AFTERLIFE AND NDE (NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE) AND OBE (OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCES) SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE, SOMETHING HAS TO MOVE.
nurse2nice nurse2nice 31-35, F 9 Responses May 28, 2012

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Every day I think about whether or not I should continue to live. Thus far, survival has won-out. I do consider suicide a legitimate choice that I should be free to make. Currently, and for quite awhile, I have been in rather severe pain, which has correlated emotional pain along with depression. I expect to have some surgeries this year to see if my physical problems can be mitigated. If this isn't successful, I'm preparing myself to exit life.
Pls take a look at my profile, then consider adding me to your circle. Thx.

hylierandom, i've tried prozac, wellbutrin, effexor, clonazepam, and adderall for ADHD I went to a depression and anxiety clinic and was dx with clinical depression and ADHD

thank you darkemptysoul, I notice that the patients I take care of that have been suicidal at one time or another in their life are the patients you least exspect, its the loving, caring, smiling and compassionate patients most of the time. We are human and regardless of what others think you can't always choose your mood or feelings. I can have everything going right in my life but that doesn't stop depression. I can have all the desire to help others all that I want but that doesn't make living any easier at times.

I'm wondering what meds you've tried. Considering how bad you have been for so long, antipsychotics, if you haven't tried them...they might help. My best friend takes a HUGE amount of effexor and zyprexa as well as a salad of pills to allow him to sleep. Dialectical-behavioral therapy is good stuff also.

Well you WILL die eventually. We all do. You love animals, don't you think maybe you were put on this earth not to make your own life happy but to improve the lives of others- maybe in your case animals. Everybody's life has a purpose. Find yours. Don't worry so much about death. It'll get us all eventually.

All you have dibe here s waste others time. Make you feel good? Happy s you are, depressed? Stay there, I won't try and help again, ever.

Your a waste of time. I didn't ask for your help. I wrote my feelings. This is experience project and American. I can write what I want. It was your choice to comment. Sorry if I like many others think your advice and views are stupid. I think you need lots of help because atleast I admit to being miserable. Your attacks on others show you to be miserable to and your the last person on earth I would ever take advice from.

If there is nothing to look forward to and all is fiction what is the purpose of living now. What is the point of using energy to try to fix my situtation, so I can just grow old and die and be forgotten. My family already suffers, its been months maybe even a year since I've even seen most of them. I have total respect for you and I'm glad that your hard work has paid off. I'm not on here wanting anyone to fix me or even give me purpose. This is mostly an outlet as I have absolutely no one to talk to. I think deep down I've already made up my mind

WHo said there is nothing to look forward to. Thats what depression whispers in your head all day and all noght. It's an illness, not truth.

Ignore your family, it is you that matters. If you don't believe you can get better I'm here to say you are wrong, way wrong as so many others so too.

If you choose to stay as you are then please keep it to yourself or write in a diary just for you as hearing about what you have chosen makes me feel so miserable for you I can't describe it.

You know how long I've had depression? 50 years, on and off. From mild to the worst. Developed BP2 at age 48 too.

You know what? Never once did I cnsider settling for any of that. First I tried the exit door but ytrned back twice and decided to live which meant not settling for misery. You can if you wish. But don't tell us about it. Write here is you want advice, real support or help OK. We have enough to cope with without hearing people say, effectively, "I love being this miserable and have decided to stay right here forever". That's just unbearable to hear but that's what you have said, in your way. Enough. Choose. Remember yu'll never have any one to talk to unless you get better.

Can I firsly ask if you are indeed a nurse and, if so, what speciality? I ask as I am aware of problems between docs and nurses on a professional level and that should NOT interfere with you getting proper help. But I'm sure it does.<br />
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You say you've given up on a cure. Well, there isn't really such a thing yet for us. But we can improve our lives dramatically with good treatment, therapy and CBT. Hard work though.<br />
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I too dislike most of what goes on in the rest of the world, outside my door. I truly do not think humans have evlved emotionally at all since we began. Yes we can build and make lots of thing, often just toys really but we have not improved the way we react with each other one iota, in my view.<br />
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It's still a daily fight for survival out there and I'm just lucky I don't need to compete any more. I di what I need to from here at home and minimise my contact with most people. I have a partnerof 19 years and 4 children and had a good career etc and travelled, really did all I wanted to when younger so I work from here when needed these days.<br />
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I too have had long periods of suicidal thinking but, after treatment, they are gone now. It does come up but goes as quickly as it arises as I have been to the brink twice and decided to live, regardless of what this illness threw at me. I refused to hurt my family by going that way as I know how it affects others, and sometimes for generations too. I'm fine right now but I'm 61 so I stay vigilant and have kept up my treatent but lessened the shrink visits to when I need presc<x>riptions. I found the right drug for me you see and it has made all the difference in the world.<br />
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I camt to this city in late 2000 and was suicidal, constantly. I was semi vegetative by the time I got to see a shrink and I again was lucky. I found a very caring man who has never given up one me. 6 weeks after I met him I was able to smile and laugh again. Small things but life. And it's just slowly got better since. No major relapses because I discuss everything with him and comply with what we agree on. Any change? Discuss with him first, always.<br />
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You say you have tried some meds and they didn't work. That's actually quite normal as finding a good one that helps is trial and error. The mistake too many make though is taking the first dose prescribed and then giving up as it didn't help. Many meds need mych higher doses to actually start helping. Usuallty the initia presc<x>ription is to see if you tolerate it mainly.<br />
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No, they are not magic and I don't know and shrink who would say that. They are designed to relieve our symptoms ONLY, not cure them. The idea being to raise our mood sucfficiently to allow us to be more rational in our thinking so we can undertake therapy, with a qualified therapist, not some guy on a forum who has "made a discovery". Hust on him, do you really think if his "discovery" actually worked that he would ony be passing it around to the odd person? <br />
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NO, in fact if it did succeed then he would be frint poage news and all doctors would use it after proving it. Right? So why the secrecy? I say because it's a con, misleading you. He's already tried getting you to do childhood therapy on this page but he has no idea what he is playing with.<br />
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Many depressions do go back to that first 5 years of our lives where we are trained by our parents. We absorb everything they tell us and observe everything they do. As they are parents of course we believe what they do to be the way to live.<br />
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If your mother was depressed during those years then that's what she would have taught you. How to be depressed. Don't know about father as I don't think you mentioned him. He either had no input or was totally absent.<br />
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Your mother being a devout Christian is a very bad sign. Depressed and religious equals radiation of illness to me.<br />
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I don't know a thing about your beliefs so I can't comment. I tried with hope to find this God people tell you of but after 3 years, and turning to the Bible because humans couldn't tell me anything useful I studied the Bible and followed the leads in it. Result? It's a fiction and there is no God. I'm atheist and the relief in knowing there is no God is enormous as I don't even have to consider that stuff any more.<br />
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So many spend their entire lives trying to do things ni human can and foir what? Reward after death? Why not now?

Pressed enter too soon. Sorry. You say you are obsessed with NDE stories, the afterrlife and out of body experiences. I can understand why, you must want something better than what you have.

I must say to you that the afterlife too is a fiction as no one has ever come back to tell us about it, right?

Out of body and near death experiences can and have been all explained by reactions and thoughts we have in those situations.

So many say that in NDE they see the light and want to go into it. I'd suggest to you that they say and think that because that is what they expect, not fact.

NASA proved that astronauts doing their training went through the same feelings and experiences and they were not dying.

Out of body is usually drug inspired as I have found through research. There is always an explanation from the real world.

So what do you do? My advice? Go to a doc and get a referral to a shrink. Treat them as equals or lower than yourself as you pay them so they work for YOU.

You may need to see several until you find one that has no problem relating to you on a human level, accepting what you say and discussing it with you instead of issuing orders. The nurse issue needs to be resolved too. You need to accept him or her for what they are and the reverse. You being a nurse is a critical job and the good docs know that.

So, find a shrink you think is OK. Then discuss meds and tell them what you have had, for how long and at what level if you can recall. I would suggest not using past doctors for info as they did nothing for you and will give a bad report as that's what they saw.

If and when you find a good med that does raise your mood then you are up for therapy and it is then you delve into history, childhood, the lot. NOT NOW. You must be honest and open with both the shrink and the therapist or they can't help. Don't hold anything back as they've heard it all before or at least enough to not be surprised by anything.

The idea here is to try and identify the issues and problems from birth and try to discuss ways of dealing with, changing or fixing them. To get info about your early years is hard as your mother would not be helpful. So you need another relative who knew you and your Mother back them, or a family friend. Anyone who can give input.

You have a job and a boyfriend so you can still perform even if a lot of it is acting. We are quite good at that and have to be to survive don't we.

Once you are up for therapy then CBT is a must. Google it now so you know enough about it but I would caution you against trying it in your present mood as it will fail if you are deeply depressed. Reason? Depressive thoughts are too powerful and will find an easy answer to anything you try.

You've had it a long time so expect any recovery to also be slow, small and steady. Work hard, don't fall for short cuts and have hope. My drug of choice is Effexor with Seroquel, only a nightime sleeping dose of 50 mgs.

Effexor isn't for everyone but it is the ONLY drug that worked for me. I became tolerant to it twice and had to stop and try all the newer, useless ones but went back a third time and this time I have stablised at 300mgs. Previously I went to 550 mgs both times before it reached tolerance and stopped helping.

Apologies for all the typos in the above. I know they'll be there as I pressed enter before I got to edit. If they are bad enough to consue, please ask. Sometimes I can't quite decipher them myself so I change the words to make it sensible.

Wait for Rocky's rant and attack on me. He's hiding behind a block but I can always respind to him via other messages. But he wil rant, here or privately. Be prepared for it and know it for what it is. Anger at being exposed, again.

sometimes i think i was born sad, i remember in the 1st year of school being shy, not fitting in. the other kids playing and laughing and me just lost in my thoughts even at 5. I remeber the teacher (wonderful teacher) talking to my mom outside of the class room one afternoon when my mom was coming to pick me up. she had told my mother she felt something was bothering me. she said that when we would all sit in the floor in a circle every morning that when it was time to leave the circle and go play that i would just sit there... staring and lost. My mother having 5 older children that she was always trying to keep out of trouble I guess she assumed i was ok.

Firstly could I say that Rocky should write here, on the forum. One on ones are always problematic as no one else gets to see what you are told and it could be good or bad. Do it here Rocky. The lady has given you plenty of information to be able to tell all of us what it is you "discovered". Is it a secret you can't tell anyone except one at a time. Sounds highly suspect and a lot like a "teaser" for a product. I am not confident about his knowledge at all. Why must he suggest hiding?

I have given my own comments etc via the first comment box.