What To Do First.

I know that I'm depressed now; the last 4 months or so have made it quite clear. I suspect I've been suffering from depression for many years, probably since I was 12 or 13. I'm now almost 28. I struggled in school from age 10 or so, despite being "obviously intelligent" according to my teachers. I went to a very non-traditional high school that had very little in the way of the typical classroom structure, sending its students out on internships for 3 days a week. It seemed to be good for me, and I thought I had found my passion in photography where I showed some degree of talent. For the first time, I had some faith that there might be a real future for me, and I got into 5 of the 6 art schools I applied to, including my first choice, none of which were easy places to get into. As soon as I arrived though, I started the downhill slide that has led me to where I am now, almost ten years later. Despite studying a fascinating art form with great resources around me in the most exciting city on earth (New York!), I found myself totally unmotivated and increasingly anxious and self conscious. I quit after a year, took a year off, and then enrolled in another school across the country in a totally different field. I flunked out of there after a year and a half because of the same issues: total lack of interest in anything at all, total inability to socialize or make friends, and extreme anxiety over everyday situations. The only serious boyfriend I've ever had broke up with me around the same time because of it, and I moved back home thinking there wasn't much else I could do. I've been here ever since then. I enrolled in school full time again about a year and a half ago, and somehow managed to pull it together well enough last year to have a decent GPA, but everything else has gone downhill. I've withdrawn more and more socially and the people who used to be my friends can't stand being around me anymore. I feel totally bored and disinterested with everything. I can just about drag myself out of bed to go to class on any given day, and that's it. I'm coming up on 30 years old, and I'm still barely making it through school and everyday life, and seriously doubt I can manage any of it. I've never really worked a "real" job, except for a work-study position a few years ago and a part-time retail job this past summer, which I got fired from because I sucked at it. I don't trust therapists for reasons I'd rather not mention, and I've tried a few different depression medications that haven't really worked. I'm about to flunk half my classes this semester - classes that shouldn't be hard for me - because I just can't make myself do anything. I'm lucky enough to live by myself, not in my parents' basement, but only because they can afford to pay for all this stuff, which makes me feel even worse. I feel like there's honestly no future for me at all. Despite being handed every opportunity that many of my friends never had, I haven't achieved anything at all in my life, and don't see how I ever will. I'm not a bad guy: I'm genuinely caring, smart, and not completely ugly, but none of it means anything because I'm too depressed to even function, for no apparent reason. I don't know what to do anymore, and I'm pretty sure that I will always feel as completely alone as I do right now.
theworstkind theworstkind
26-30, M
Dec 4, 2012