No Hope

I am in my late 30's.  I am single and have not dated on over 10 years.  I have been depressed for about 15 years now.  I have gone to many doctors and have been on many prescriptions.  I went to a therapist once, but it didn't seem to help. 

My current "episode" of depression started this summer.  I joined a dating site this year, but it hasn't worked out.  I meet people once and they never call back.  I know I am not pretty, but I thought I would find somone who could like me.  On the dates, I was happy and asking questions and interested in what the other person said.  It didn't matter. 

I have been on short term disability from work for over a month now.  I can't pay my rent, or any of my other bills.  I got my car repossessed earlier this year.  Now the loan place is coming after me.  I have so many creditors after me now.  I can't stand all the calls and mail.  They are even calling my parents house, and I haven't lived there in over 10 years.  My paycheck last time was $100.  I got a car after the repo and they take the money out of my checking account automatically every 2 weeks.  They took the $100 as soon as it got into my checking account.  I have $18 in cash that I am holding on to because I have no idea when the short term disability checks will start.  Hope fully it's soon because I can't afford to pay my rent for 2 months right away.  Plus I got my car insurance bill yesterday and if I don't pay it my auto loan place will force place insurance for me and that will cost more then twice as much.  Today someone was pounding on my front door.  I didn't answer it because I was terrified it woud be someone with a court summons or something. 

I am at a total loss on what to do or where to go.  I would honestly just end it all right now, but it would kill my mother if anything happened to me.  I don't want to do that to her.  I don't know how long that will stop me though.  I can't see any good that my being around is doing.  I am so unhappy I can't stand it.  I can't see a way out.  I am not a religious person, but I can't see how God would let someone so unhappy still live. 

I thought about calling a suicide prevention hotline, but my phone was disconnected because I couldn't pay it.  Figures. 

Thanks for reading. 

hopeless4years hopeless4years
36-40, F
9 Responses Oct 14, 2009

Hi there -<br />
<br />
Your situation sounded quite desperate with all the financial worries, and I wonder whether you have been able to get any practical advice on that front ? How is your mood these days. You didn't seem to have had much luck with antidepressants, but if you have only had one go at therapy maybe you could give that another chance ? There are different types, and one to one or group possibilities. The right therapy at the right time, with someone you trust, can change the old thinking patterns.<br />
<br />
But - how are you ?<br />
<br />

PS: Having someone who will support you in your battle is important to your success. Most likely it will be a family member. Even if it isn't, you'll need someone that knows you to help in any way they can.

Quick Suggestion without all the rhetoric. Wherever you live, contact the nearest county or state Social Services organization. This is the best thing to do in your situation. Talk to them and get some good advice. My son had similar problems and he found a solution.

Please hang on in there, it sounds like you have been through so much .I have suffered from depression for years and I know how rough it can be, once you are down at the bottom of that well, it's so hard to climb back up. Sometimes you don't quite know how you got to that place that seems so dark and lonely and it seems almost impossible to claw your way back up. What's incredible about the giant, grey, big, gaping emotional wound is how stuffed up with **** it gets. <br />
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I'm no expert but just small steps and small changes can make a HUGE difference. Tomorrow, for once, please just stop beating yourself up. Try to have a really different day. When I’m really depressed, I try to shake up my life and practically do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. <br />
<br />
I've always said that apathy leads to apathy. Energy leads to energy and sadness is simply sad. It's very difficult to make yourself happy. You have to wait until the sadness lifts, go away, and go back to where it came from. <br />
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Somehow, reach out to someone. Join a support group. Join a community website that supports that hobby of yours. Visit a friend. They may need the visit as badly as you do. Friendships work on all different levels. We need friends for different moment, different reasons, and different times of our lives. Sometimes reconnecting with an old friend can really help get me out of a dark spot. <br />
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On a practical not – do try to avoid drinking. It has been proven in many studies to make depression worse. It can also be two to three times as bad if you are taking medications for your depression. Exercise (a walk on the beach or a forest is so good for the soul) produces endorphins in your body which help you to “feel good” and work out the stress that may be a contributing factor. <br />
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The problem I sometimes have is I’m too depressed to exercise. One excuse is as good as another when you just don’t want to exercise. Forcing yourself is one answer. You will thank yourself once you do so. Exercising with a friend is another answer. Just a few ideas…<br />
Good luck –hope things pick up for you.

What a situation. Please get all the help you can and admit you're not coping well.

I know something that can help, but it takes courage:<br />
Sell everything you have in your house. Everything. Use ebay or any other site to get rid of your stuff. Pay your bills with the money you gain. Material things aren't worth anything if you van't pay the rent. It is better to sit on the floor, then sleeping outside. Then make sure you work hard and much. Keep your head up, you are worth it. <br />
And about the men who don't talk back: don't worry. Men who date are usually the ones that can't get a girl. And they can't get a girl becuase they won't talk. It is a circle, don't worry.

Thank you for your comment. I am not bipolar. I just started taking Zoloft. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately my parents can't help me. I think that I am going to have to go to a debt counselor or at least a lawyer. I had debt before the car thing, but it was manageable, sort of.

H4y, this is a distressing story to read. Can you ask for some financial help from your parents to help you in this juncture of financial crisis? There are services to help debtors deal with the creditors who besiege them and help them negotiate payments they can manage. Have you looked into that?<br />
Are you bipolar? Or do you the psychiatrists believe you don't have enough serotonin in your brain? They treat that typically with "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors." But some people will do better with 5-HTP. You eat protein. A fraction of it is the amino acid tryptophan. Some of that gets converted by the body to 5-HTP, but not enough for many people. Then 5-HTP converts to serotonin, the neurotransmitter that keeps people calm and reasonably happy. Some seotonin converts to the hormone melatonin, which is necessary for you to sleep. If the body isn't making enough 5-HTP and serotonin, taking pills with 5-HTP that comes from seeds can help. My body doesn't make enough melatonin, and 5-HTP helps my sleep greatly. 5-HTP is cheap and available where vitamins are sold. The Natrol brand of 5-HTP caused stomach queasiness in my ex-pastor and in me, but other brands have not. If you are on a psychiatric drug now, you need to consult with your doctor before adding 5-HTP. But if you feel like the drugs aren't giving you any benefit, you might want to taper off them and get on 5-HTP in their place.

Oh Sweetie, I don't know what to say to make u happy, but I may advise u to tell ur story to any Imam in the Mosque, or any Islamic association, I am dad sure they will help and please don't be miss-leader by the media, u may be "ugly", but sure not stupid. I know it sounds awkward, but just trust me. <br />
The problem here is not ur ugliness or dating problems, but it is the debts u r trapped with. Don't think about suicide, it will solve nothing. There are so many things in live above beauty (which is relative) and above material things that you should discover to be happy.<br />
First you are young and I am sure that things, if they reach the summit, they come to an end. After the darkness, there is always a day light. You know, if u sleep peacefully and safe in ur house, and wake up feeling healthy and you have got what to eat only for that day, so u have all the pleasures of life.<br />
Don't worry about beauty honey, coz even the most beautiful ladies lose their beauty when they grow up. Yes, you may wonder, why did I join this group then if I don't have a problem with my appearance!? well, I am not a slave to my bad thoughts about how I look, I love myself the way I am and the way GOD has created me and if someone doesn't like that, s/he is not obliged to be my friend or marry me!!! I want to be loved by who I am in the inside and by what I do, not by how I look!! I am a strong believer that every person on this earth is beautiful, why? Coz GOD is beautiful and HE created us beautiful, but u just can't see it coz u r blind by what they project on TV about beauty till it becomes a status that every body compares her/himself to it. It is a wrong way to see things; beauty can never be defined as I said, it is relative. Why do we try all to be similar as dolls from the same company hhhhhh?! Every person is unique and you are too.<br />
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p.s. I have three cats, they love me without any condition (well, with the only condition of feeding them hhhh and my 3years old nephew loves me without any condition too – why am I saying this? well, those who have pure heart and still virgin within us have a clearer vision of life in general and of beauty in particular.