I am in my late 30's. I am single and have not dated on over 10 years. I have been depressed for about 15 years now. I have gone to many doctors and have been on many prescriptions. I went to a therapist once, but it didn't seem to help.
My current "episode" of depression started this summer. I joined a dating site this year, but it hasn't worked out. I meet people once and they never call back. I know I am not pretty, but I thought I would find somone who could like me. On the dates, I was happy and asking questions and interested in what the other person said. It didn't matter.
I have been on short term disability from work for over a month now. I can't pay my rent, or any of my other bills. I got my car repossessed earlier this year. Now the loan place is coming after me. I have so many creditors after me now. I can't stand all the calls and mail. They are even calling my parents house, and I haven't lived there in over 10 years. My paycheck last time was $100. I got a car after the repo and they take the money out of my checking account automatically every 2 weeks. They took the $100 as soon as it got into my checking account. I have $18 in cash that I am holding on to because I have no idea when the short term disability checks will start. Hope fully it's soon because I can't afford to pay my rent for 2 months right away. Plus I got my car insurance bill yesterday and if I don't pay it my auto loan place will force place insurance for me and that will cost more then twice as much. Today someone was pounding on my front door. I didn't answer it because I was terrified it woud be someone with a court summons or something.
I am at a total loss on what to do or where to go. I would honestly just end it all right now, but it would kill my mother if anything happened to me. I don't want to do that to her. I don't know how long that will stop me though. I can't see any good that my being around is doing. I am so unhappy I can't stand it. I can't see a way out. I am not a religious person, but I can't see how God would let someone so unhappy still live.
I thought about calling a suicide prevention hotline, but my phone was disconnected because I couldn't pay it. Figures.
Thanks for reading.