Is There Any Hope For Me..?

I have been through so much in my life... at the age of 7 I was diagnosed as being emotionally disturbed. Also ...at birth I had to undergo hyhypospadias correction and it has scarred me for life both emotionally and physically. For the rest of my life up to the age of 16 I had to watch my mom and dad LITERALLY try to kill themselves and one another in the arguments that happened every...single...night. I now have PTSD because of it...every time someone starts to argue or get upset I immediately freak out and either start yelling at the top of my lungs or screaming and crying. In Mar of 2005 I lost my step-grandfather and he was like blood to me. At the time I was smoking marijuana just to deal with every day life...but when he died something happened...I had a panic attack after smoking a joint...so I stopped pot completely... Then...I had another panic attack...then another...and another...for about a year and a half I would have them until one day they just stopped... No meds...no therapy..they just vanished. With the exception of the occasional one which was rare and very small. The a few months ago...it came back...with a ******* vengeance. (excuse the profanity). I was forced to move to my moms house because of family drama that was occurring down there and she needed my help taking care of my 2 year old half brother. DCS said that another adult had to be there to assume temporary custody of him...because the only other adult there was my 70 yr old grandmother who is battling cancer and can't do hardly anything for herself. I also had an issue with a girlfriend during this whole thing. But I stayed down there for about 1 month and slowly but surely the panic attacks...that familiar sinister enemy that I fought for so long came back with a death grip! At exactly the 1 month mark of me being down there...I was rushed to the hospital for the mack daddy of all panic attacks. I was prescribed Buspar....it worked for a while...but then it didn't. I am completely home bound now and can't get into a car without screaming at everyone and going numb over my whole body. I convulse and can't hardly stand up when I get upset anymore. I cannot tolerate any stress what-so-ever. I have been in and out of the er ever since... And the only medicine that I have been on that has helped me was ativan.. But ny stupid psych doctor says that it is illegal for him to prescribe me that. WHAT?! How is that even possible?! I am not a drug user and I hate to take even aspirin for headache. So why is it that this guy won't prescribe me the ONLY thing that has helped me to completely relax? I can't tolerate SSRI's and have been on SOOOO many medications from gabapentin to propranolol. I can't make my doctor appointments because I can't get into a car!!!!! What the hell should I do? My doctors obviously don't give a ****...and the only time I was truly happy during the past 4 months of my life was when I had a crisis a 15 days ago and was sent to CSU (Crisi Stabilization Unit) and everyone there was so awesome and caring...but you are only allowed to stay for 3 days... Then it was right back to the same hell hole I crawled out of...and now I am worse than ever. I am not depressed. I have TERRIBLE anxiety and ptsd. I am not generally suicidal but the past few days I have really been thinking about it. Because I see nothing left to do. 2 VERY close family members just died and I am going thru so much. And to top it off my girlfriend left me because of my "problems". I have known her for 2 years. And now everything is collapsing around me. I have a panic attack every single day...I can't take this anymore. Is there anyone out there who can help me or give me some kind of advice or even just be my friend in this, my darkest hour?
xxAngelus7xx xxAngelus7xx
22-25, M
2 Responses May 14, 2012

Well since no one cares to give me an answer i guess im just gonna delete this and kill myself...

well...its been 24 hours and no one has commented yet...so i guess there really is no hope. (sigh) :(