Want It But Can't Get It

I've got some kind of mental block that is really impeding my ability to get some lovin'.  I want it badly but I guess I'm just too shy and quiet all the time to make it known to a woman that I want her.  I am too nice and not bold enough.
ReformedAutomaton ReformedAutomaton
41-45, M
18 Responses Jun 11, 2007

I have a friend who tends to like guys who are aggessive, borderline mean, says things to her like "what they **** are you doing, are you some kind of idiot?". I've never been able to understand how women can deal with this, and in fact be very attracted to a man who behaves this way. It's partially cause they were raised by someone who made them feel small but it also seems to have some genetic basis. A basis in the pre-history of man. Back in the caveman days it certainly would have been a great survival mechanism to act without regard to others, to be aggressive. Women would find someone strong like that to be a person who could protect them and ensure their ability to reproduce, protect the children, etc. It's a relic from our past.<br />
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I guess it also depends what your definition of "nice" is. It's a fact that women, not all of them, but many of them, really like a guy who is assertive and being assertive really means selfish in a lot of ways. It's a PC way of saying a person is aggressive. Not necessarily in the physical sense but in the sense that other people's thoughts and feelings are not to get in the way of what that person wants. And it's frustrating and disconcerting that women still want this even though we don't live in caves anymore. I find that almost without exception women date mean and aggressive guys when they are younger. **** their brains out and get their fill until the burden of being with aggressive men gets to be greater than the payoff so they then go for a guy like me. Good times!

Hey Highendurance...thank you for the advice. I think you are likely right on. It's difficult for me to understand that women don't want compliments but I think I know what you mean. I really don't like the idea of fitting into the social stereotype that men are emotionless which is what you describe. I'm not going to conform to others expectations of me because they are societies expectations. I guess I'll have to wait to find someone who is not looking for conformity. It'll likely be a long wait and perhaps I'll have to move to another country.

you need to define "nice guy".<br />
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What women mean by wanting a nice guy is someone who is more committed and mature, but NOT a push over.<br />
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By push over I mean trying to be overly polite or nice. Just be neutral in the manners department; don't be disrespectful, but don't compliment her because you think it'll make her like you.<br />
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She'll like you for your interests and your attitude. Think about how you would find a girl who constantly tried to compliment you for no reason. You would probably find it kind of annoying and weird, because you don't even know her that well!<br />
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If you want the best advice on women and dating go to http://www.doctorpaul.net/<br />
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you don't have to buy anything but at least join the forums and learn from there!! I know I have.

aww honey.. <br />
you know i am willing to give you the lovin' you need..<br />
;) <br />

yeah but what happens when you meditate, try affirmations, practice yoga, pray, think, and want to act differently but when you're in public you still freeze up and feel incapable of action? I feel like I've nearly exhausted trying new things to get myself out of my own head and interacting with women that I find attractive. Instead I continue to just look and smile occasionally when I can manage but almost never approach or talk to. I'm starting to feel like I will never be able to change the way I think, act, interact, etc, even though I desire to. It leaves me feeling rather hopeless that despite all that I do to change, things seem to stay much more the same, at least as pertains to women. I am healthier, sober, more aware, more active than I've been in my life but I still feel stuck when it comes to women.

yeah, I just think the ego is the thing that gets hurt, not anything real or fundamental about yourself or who you are. Good advice Firetech.

You don't have to lose that. Do not tie your ego into whether or not she says yes.

You are correct as usual Mr firetech. I let my ego get in the way too much cause that's really the only thing there is to lose in approaching women.

When you are trying to decide whether or not to do something, I think you should take a "worse consequences" approach.<br />
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In this case, when you have everything to gain and nothing to lose, by all means<br />
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Thanks closedin, that's very sweet to say. I think I am getting funnier as I grow away from the intensely depressed person I once was. I laugh more, make other people laugh more, make myself laugh more, etc. It's nice feeling more lighthearted....less serious.

Reform...I don't know if you are trying but you are really funny! There is nothing more attractive than someone who makes you laugh!

Thanks 5-man...that's a good idea. I think too logically so I need to move quickly before I can talk myself out of it.

I feel for you man, approach is the hardest bit with a woman you like. Best advice is to not think about the approach and just going straight in there before your mind rationalises you out of approaching.

i'm not gonna lie about it ... us women are weird creatures full of contradiction and mystery. on that note i can only tell you what i've found out about myself. it's commonly said that women are attracted to *bad boys* ... this is true. what women need to realize is that these *bad boys* are NOT nice ... NO MATTER WHAT! so generally we learn they aren't nice and decide we want a *nice guy* ... but for whatever reason when we find a *nice guy* the physical chemistry isn't there. it's as if the allure is missing. what i've done, that's been successful, is to find a *nice guy* and as time goes by and i get to know them more i fall for who they are. and as time goes by they generally ask me, "i'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow. do you have any suggestions?" and i suggest a *bad boy* hair cut. next thing you know he's growing some kind of facial hair to go with his new hairdo and he all of the sudden has that 'allure' of the *bad boy* but he IS the *nice guy*!!! i don't aim to change the man ... and i'd stay with the *nice guy* even if he didn't ask me how to cut his hair or whether or not to grow a goatee. once someone KNOWS who you are and appreciates all the unique qualities that make you who you are, things are more likely to progress to the next level. also ... some women, like myself, are not able to express to a man that we are interested in them. especially if we've been friends in the past. so women like myself rely on the man to take the bull by the horns so to speak. i realize you're shy, siddler. lots of people are - women included. take a chance or 5 and see what happens. what's the worst that can happen?

Very true Mr Dodo...

As far as I can tell, this women wanting nice guys stuff is just nonsense. That's what they say they want, but what they *really mean* is they want all the stuff a traditional manly man has, but IN ADDITION, they want *those men* to be nice. After all - how many stock standard "nice guys" do you know who have great success with women? They're usually great *friends* of women, but rarely in their beds.

I know quite a few women but just have problems expressing desire for them. I just have issues and probably need a lot of counseling and whatnot.

Nice guys finish last? thing is, ask most single women and they are looking for 'nice guys' and can't meet them. How do they get to meet a guy like you?