Sexually Frustrated And Insecure Woman/mother/fiance Of 21.

I have never had an ****** during sex. I have had five different sexual partners, of differing ages and levels of experience, and yet I have never 'gotten there'. In fact, very rarely did I even feel like I was 'close' at all! I mean, I'd get really horny, pull all the moves, get a little and give a little... all of that but never yeilded a result. I have tried talking through these issues, visualisation, practicing on my own, mutual ************... but I cannot ******.

 

It has gotten to the point where I do'nt even try anymore. ****** has become something I do on my own when my fiance is not around, or safely asleep next to me. I get worried that he does not turn me on. I get worried that he'll NEVER experience sex with me where I come.

I believe he has stopped trying. We have built up a sex routine which basically unfods as follows: he either gets himself horny or I am aked to get him horny (through touching, oral sex etc), then he is ready to go and I've barey gotten horny. So we lap on some lubricant an away he goes. As I am not yet horny, it is very uncomfortable at first, then sometimes, not all times, I start to get into it.

I have never faked an ******... he knows he has never given me one... but I admit that I do fake enjoyment, mainly so it will all be over with quickly.

We have been together for two years and have a three month old baby boy. I had a natural birth... and a big baby... so I am doubly tense now whenever sex occurs. We are also using condoms and are having sex less often... which is fine with me.

But not him.

He has taken to **** sites and magazines. We have a few videos and toys, outfits etc. I initially invited these additions to our sex life in the hope for extra stimulation, the only problem is that these things tend to make him more ready than ever and I still get left behind. Also, without going into too much detail, some of the things we do together actualy turns me off... Yet the naturalised actress in me continues with them so it finishes quickly.

Here I'd like to mention that my fiance never abuses me, never lifts a hand to me or hurts me physically. The things I don't particularly ike in sex are more to do with 'fetishes'.

To make matters worse... my partner has a tendency to 'flirt' online with his ex-girfriends/female friends on facebook and msn. I have tried repeatedly to show him how much this action hurts me emotionally, and yet he continues to do it behind my back. When I discover these conversations, it's usually because he forgot to sign off facebook, or left his email logged in. And then I use the computer and there they are.... Each one I copy and email to myself so I can show him and confront him.

His ex who is in London (I live in Australia) and he declared how much they still think about each other (I found this conversation the day I was due to have my baby... however my son came ten days late). Two days ago, I found a conversation he left up between him and the first girl he ever had sex with. There was definite sexual insinuations and I was mentioned along with my baby. The girl wanted to meet my baby but he informed her that I would be upset with this because of their history, so they decided to plan it so that she would pretend she was interested in his mate and then I would not be offended......

What offends me is all the lying!!! I don't care for his sexual history- I have one myself believe it or not!- I understand all that! But I don't bring mine into my relationship with him... HE does!

She said she was 'a good actress' and he replied 'yes, you like role play', to which she cooed 'you remember me well'.

Does this sound like a secure relationship/dequate father fgure to you?!?!?!

When confronted he denied any sexu innuendo. Then admitted perhaps 'maybe' he flirts online. There were tears and tantrums, a glass of water thrown (by me...at him...) and yet I'm not sure what to do.

All this online chatting makes me wonder what he says/does face-to-face. He assures me that he hardly says anything face-to-face (we met each other online ourseles and this actually checks out... we talked much more freely online, but in the flesh he spoke little, we simply went to movies, chatted lightly, and had sex.... with only ONE of us reaching ******....). Nevertheless, my trust in him is minute.

This insecurity, coupled with the other problem of me not enjoying sex or reaching ******, has me questioning whether or not I even love him! Or find him attractive! I feel like I am giving so much with nothing in return.

I know what you may be thinking - GET RID OF HIM!!!! but I did actually kick him out when I found the last conversation... for a few hours... then invited him back for some talking. I think I do love him, but am just fed up with all this extra ****. He's good with our son, good with me, but I feel like he never fully communicates his feelings.

Our relationship, to sum up, is emotionally, sexually, and financially (he does not work and I stay at home with my on on benefit while breastfeeding having been the main breadwinner our whole relationship...) short of anything I ever anticipated a relationship should be. I don't have too high standards... I would like him to provide for us a little better, develop some goals, make less excuses, and show me the lover he can truly be! I am so worried that the reason he contacts all these girls is because he can't give to me/get from me what he could with them :(

It's a complete mess. Fact is, even though I am writing this, and even through we had that big fight the other day about his latest 'conversation' we are still acting the same as always. I don't want 'always' to continue. I need to change things between us.

But how?

CheekyMiss CheekyMiss
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 26, 2010

no problem. I think that sometimes when people don;t want to accknowledge things they say little about them and hope that the focus will move elsewhere....kind of like if he says little then the matter is closed. It is an old tactic.DOn't fall for it. The reason he is saying little is problably the opposite of it being because there is little to say--ya dig? You already knew that he was distant.....but at least you have started to talk about it--yes. EP is a good place to get feedback from all sorts of people--stick around, sister....

Thank you for your comment. I have talked to he=im and he does believe it is his fault and admitted he stopped trying long ago. He was emotionally distant, however. I think it will be a while before we develop a level of comfort strong enough to talk about this issue. I am happy, however, that we made a start. Finally!!! <br />
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As for the internet cheating, he did not say much at all.<br />
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I think we should try relationship councelling? We could really benefit having a third party in the room while we discuss issues. <br />
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If we don't try something, we will have to consider parting. I'm sick of pretending. It's time I act the way I feel instead of trying to keep him happy. I am a mother now, my little boy depends on me. I feel stronger after confessing all that online. It's the first time I have ever written/talked about it.<br />
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Thank you for taking the time to read it.<br />
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CheekyMiss

hmmm...good question. I think that it is - YES - a bad sign that he flirts online and lies about it. I also think that you get who you get. THis is who he is. You do not have to stay with him. As far as the sex goes--I don't know. It could be a physical thing--an emotional thing-I don't know. I do know from experience that being with a man long term and not having an ****** can definitely affect things in an adverse way. It can make him feel like HE is doing something wrong...and that might cause him to withdraw. I have no great big answers--if it was me, I would not stay in a relatonship that was not working--baby or not. You will never open yourself up to a good one if you are stuck in a bad one. He is NOT going to change. If he lies now--and emotionally cheats on you (at the least) now--then that is what he is going to keep doing. That is my experience. All the best to you.