Mommy Is The Monster Under The Bed

My four year old self stood trembling and held back tears as my mother screamed at me. I had fallen, scraped my knee, and dared to cry. "Do you want a pacifier?" she mocked. I couldn't speak, and only shook my head. I avoided looking at her and stared at the gravel that had gotten caught in my hands. I wondered what was wrong with me. If only I had known that I was not the problem. This memory is one of many colorful memories, which resulted from growing up the daughter of a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder. I've spent a great deal of my twenty years blaming myself for things that were not my fault. Example? My mother, or as I call her "Monster," has always been morbidly obese. Throughout child/teen hood I would watch her sit down with enough snacks to last weeks and compulsively devour everything in her path. Not everyone has a choice when it comes to their physical appearances, but Monster always did. She made poor choices, and thus was always overweight. However, she never recognized this truth, and instead projected her issue on to me, while referring to herself as "a little chubby." While she scarfed down enough to feed a family, she was always critical of me. If I wanted to eat an unhealthy snack she warned me that it was fattening. As I type this, I can actually hear her tell me "Steph...that is fattening." My food intake was monitored extensively, I was constantly encouraged to exercise frequently, and whenever we would go clothes shopping she would do her best to get me to purchase larger than needed clothing sizes "so that they will fit." I wish I could say that I was strong enough to believe in myself. I wish I could say that I saw how beautiful I was and how troubled she was. However, when you are fourteen, want to be socially accepted, and already feel a little fat things kind of spiral down from there. I was bulimic throughout high school, and still have to be careful with my habits. These days I don't have an eating disorder, but the ghost of it nags me constantly. Life has been tough having Monster as a relative. Though I am related to her through genetics, I choose to not have her in my family. Sure, she may have a major personality disorder. Yes, her neurons are pretty messed up and she may not always be aware of the pain she inflicts on others. I don't care. My years of depression have been waning, and I'm actually pretty happy these days. About two years ago I faced the monster under my bed head on and stood up for myself. She to this day would probably deny that she has a problem or two, but I'm not around her to hear it. Sure, not everything is resolved and I'm bitter. I might always be a little damaged, but I am free. I have found love, life and independence. I am working towards so many dreams that she tried to prevent me from reaching. I have an associate's degree, am working on my bachelors, have my own apartment with a boyfriend who loves me and treats me right, and I have a wonderful job. My life isn't perfect but I'm pleased to say that those who I choose to allow in my life, however few, love me unconditionally. All I ever wanted was to be loved unconditionally.
Stephgirl5 Stephgirl5
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 15, 2013

Out of the dark and into the light....

This story saddens my heart.I commend you on your bravery in having to deal with it for so long.I'm so glad that our paths have crossed.You are truly a unique individual.And as a friend you are loved " unconditionally."
Take care,

A friend on here said "Some families are good to be from. FAR from."