Sick Of Being Quiet

I hate being the quiet girl. I hate hearing that someone has commented about me saying 'she's so quiet!' I hate not being able to make new friends or be myself around anyone. I actually can't honestly say there's anyone I can truly be myself around.
I wish I could be the fun bubbly girl who always has something funny or interesting to say. I freak out in group situations and get really self conscious of everything I say. Even around my close friends I over think things and sometimes end up acting awkwardly or self consciously.
I go red really easily which makes everything way worse because this often happens when I'm in a group situation or talking to someone new for no reason really except that I'm super self conscious. And of course I can tell that I'm going red so I go more red and embarrassed and shy and quiet.
I feel like I have nothing interesting to say and always struggle to think of conversation starters or to carry on a conversation. I find it impossible to relax and let things flow, I'm constantly panicking in social situations.
I used to have really bad skin, and when that got better my self esteem improved and I stopped going red as much, but I'm still just as quiet and boring. I guess I am an introvert and me being quiet won't change. But I can't help wishing I was different.
The worst thing about being shy is that I find it pretty much impossible to make new friends, as in close friends. I just can't do it and I don't know how to. I'm only friends with my close friends because they've been in the same class as me for 4 years now and even now I still feel very distant from them a lot of the time and I can't really be myself around them. The newest close friend I've made is my boyfriend over a year ago and recently I've started over analysing the way I act around him too. I think as soon as I get comfortable around someone, I start over thinking how I am around them and it is so frustrating.
Sorry about this long rant... No one will probably read it but it's good to get all this out.
greentea217 greentea217
18-21
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

It's insane how much I can relate to everything you just wrote. I really always thought i was the only one who felt like this. I've been like that all through high school and I have my one best friend but it still feels like i hold in some of my true self because i over think about what people think about me. I just finished my first year in college and ive met people but its so hard being 100% myself especially because the people i meet are so outgoing. And i know what you mean, i wish i could just be that outgoing girl also that everyone knows and likes because of the amazing personality. I always feel like i'm just "normal" and boring to everyone. I guess we have to embrace our quietness.