I HATE Being Shy.

I stutter, I blush, I stare at the ground as I walk, I try to look at anything but their eyes. I honestly don't know when it started. Maybe when I tried to get a new student to feel welcome and he just turned to me and said "Your voice sounds like a girls". Perhaps it was when I would get teased by girls my age or older (I'll never forget the words "I'm gonna **** you up" for the rest of my life. It made me look over my shoulder everyday for the rest of that year).

 I personally feel it was when I would get put in headlocks, or I would get stuffed in a locker until a gym teacher would find me (Gym teachers had the keys to every locker). I could only stop this from happening by allowing them to "take" my lunch. Sometimes they would just outright punch me in my shoulder and say that they were just playing if a teacher was nearby. This was 3 years ago, but I feel that it really changed me.

Sure, I was shy before, but after that I practically became unresponsive. I'd come home everyday trying to hide my torture from my family. Trying to smile as much as I could while playing games with my older brothers and neighbor (whom I also consider a brother). My mother would sense that something was wrong and I would lie every time like the coward I was. No, let me rephrase that, like the coward I still am. I was and still am afraid of what would have happened if I told a soul back when it was happening. 

I honestly don't know who I am. Not in the creepy sense, but in the 'who I used to be' sense. Was I always shy? Would I always fidget whenever someone I didn't know spoke to me? I feel like the only people I can truly be openly outgoing around are my family. 

Just earlier last year around March we moved so I had to go to a new school. People of course tried to get to know me, but due to my shyness they either didn't care or lost interest. The only thing I could think about was "Do they really care, or are they just trying to get another friend on their Facebook profile page?" I just roam the halls like a ghost as quietly and quickly as I can as not to draw attention to myself. Now, my Social Studies teacher practically picks me out for this reason. I then proceed to make myself look like an idiot in front of the entire class while they laugh. 

I don't trust people as much as I think I used to. I definitely try to see the good in them though. I usually try to type happy things so others feel better by reading them, but I guess I'll just let this one slip out.

Anyways, I'm sorry if this seems like I'm rambling I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you to anyone that reads this!

Oh, and if you read this SFX: Thanks for being such a great brother! :)
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Jan 13, 2013