My Life of Shyness

 This is an experience i've always wanted to have,to share to story of my life of shyness! well I hope to be able to do so awell in a in person way but anyhow. for as long as I can remember I have always been that shy timid girl you see in a class siting alone quietly(just to make sure,nothing I say in this is for pity im  just sharing my story.) I wasn't a shy back then as I am now,but in elementry school I usually kept to myself and others made friends with me. my first school was called the study(an all girl school,which from experience i don't recommend)I had some friends,but that also where I encountered my first bully. she was very bossy and would use such foul language towards me,from what I could remember she would call be a *****. I till this day cant understand why she hated me so much,I never harmed her in any way after that I would recoil and became very timid. after a while my parents must of noticed some change in me and eventually squeezed the info out of me and complained to the school and I soon found out others had a problem aswell with this girl and the school wanted to kick her out but her mother sued the school and in the end my parents made me change schools. but this time my parents decided to put me in a public school called Roslyn. now ontop of the being in a new school factor the intro to being around boys was also something that made me nervous(this was in grade 4).

this is were my shyness sprouted into a huge part of me and an emense obstacle in my life.

I was lucky to find this girl that lived in the same building as me at this school so it made the transition easier. but she belonged to a group of girls that I new from when I first layed eyes on them that they hated me,and no im not they cut me off sometimes was a clear sign. and one day as i came into school my friend from my building came towards me yelling how much she hated me along with her group and they asked me whY I kicked one of them(the"leader" of this gang)which I didn't do,and I was so confused then my friend reported me to the principle but luckily my closeness to most of the teachers and lunch monitors that the principle didn't believe them and I grew more distrustful and shy from this experience. but still not learning my lesson I mad a new friend and yet again she had a friend that didn't like me for some reason as well so she would pretend to hate me infront of her friend then be nice to me when her friend wasn't there only now I realize how stupid that is. at some point you got to wonder why this happens because I wasn't,I was so confused at how im nice to everyone and this happens... then there was another couple of girls who were semi-bullies that would make fun of how I dress but stopped  when  finally would cry. so now I made it to my first year of high school torn and hurt but still dealing with the hurt. at this point I was still a "normal" girl but just very shy  and quiet feeling ever so self-conscious and feeling like everyone who looked at me was judging me. I met my first friend in hischool by hinding behind her all the way to the auditorium and she finally introduced herself and we became friend...funny way to meet someone lol . I made plenty of friends in school but never felt like they liked ME I would always sit at the same spot on the floor reading,drawing or listening to music and I could begin to feel more invisible as time went on..yet I still felt like my friends genuienly appreciated me but It didnt feel like to few real friend ships I had before(I forgot to mention I had to best friends REAL good ones in elembentry school from gr 1 to 4 but lost contact after changing school,im bad with phones). so the patern of being shy and timid solidated more within this time in high school I wouldn't talk much or at all was bad with eye contact continued to be a human doormat and had some patronizing friendships that I look back at with some anger. and in gr 9 I had my first bf this experience was a re attempt to open up to someone at a deeper friend ship level(cause in high school I had 3 close friend this girl and guy whom became my bf)and at the same time led up to my breaking point where I reached my limits and could no longer be silent and hold it all inside..I mean there is only so much a person can hold in..or so long a person can be silent. I stated to scratch form of sel harm which of cource didn't help my shyness or self-consciousness. now im 15 or 16 despite being the breaking point of my life so far this was the greates year too. I wanted to learn self defence,to releive myself of feeling "small" and shy and my father happened to know a guy at work who had a martial arts defence kwoon(chinese for club or a place to train). so the evening my father took me to check it out,I was terrified and nervous with anticipation of what to expect or any embarising situations like should I wear running shoes or sweat pants or am I lazy or not know all that worrysome stuff. but It turned out to look like something I might like and it was. at first my shyness was was numbing and a huge obstacle but gradually I grew more familiar with everyone and felt more comfortable(but still shy..)It took a year to adjust to the variety of different people and characters and I was intensly intimidated by my Sifu(teacher)due to his earth shattering confidence that I longed to have too. I came to realize how much everyone came to like me and started to feel the genuienity of it they all senserly like me and I felt more comfortable with being myself which was still quiet but without the enxiety and intense shyness even though im still shy lol. but this all became the more clearer at my Sifu's wedding when one of my seniors sayed that our club is a kun-fu family and that everyone in it is like and extended family member and at that moment  I could feel a tear fall down my face I finally felt like I was apart of a group REALLY appart of it and the all genuienly cared for each other and me. that was when my pain was soothed alittle I felt so happy(still shy but atleast I didnt hate myself now !) but going back to my reality my last year I was told half way through that I wasn't going to graduate so I lost lots of motivation and just let it happen,then the schools guidence counselor reffered me to this alternative school that she though I would greatly beinifit from and she was right. my first day at the this school was a bit scary cause of the huge groups of gothic people amon expresive dressers..but like always a group of girl attached onto me and became friend and this time it didn't end badly but it didn't feel reaL either. I shut down and was quiet and timid again due to my deppresssion of not graduating with my friends and sontinued to scratch my scraps on my arms. but as always I found a favourite teacher to help myself feel motivated and feel appreciated and i was happy to observe that this teacher was shy aswell yet used his humor to be more "out there". and I love how he would use pets names for me like "sunshine" that would brighten my day lol. I guess he could see how I was shy and detached from everyone. and this is where I found my unique gift of connecting to others in my own way...though art. I would make this teacher drawings to put up in his office and her would always show his appreciactions with a huge smile and lovely words of thanks! and he was also the one to tell me "you dont need to work so hard to make people like you,you can do that just as easily by being your beautiful caring self"(beacause I would always help puting the chairs behing the desks at the end of class offering to help the teachers with anything to the point where they would ask the ones who never offered,and instead of feeling rejected I saw it as them not wanting to take advantage of me. this year was a boost of renewed faith in life and people and in myself. I learned to accpet this part of me the timid quiet self. as much as I can reduce how timid i am and how shy I am its still there so I realized I had to accept it. Igraduated with a 84% and usually getting 74% I was trully satisfied with myself and that I also conquered my math...well its still hard but I put up a fight and got good marks! and to complete it all it was by birhtday too!

so in a way not graduating at my old school with my friends was a hidden gift. on my graduation day I made all my teachers thank-you cards and wrote personalized letters to each of them! and what tipped it off was when I read outloud the card I made for my favourite teacher I could see his eyes fill up with tear just after mine did and he hugged me(out of shyness LOL) that was gratiffying cause I never got the chance to tell any of my past fav teachers how much I truly appreciated them. and he shared some sweet word with me that made it almost painful to leave for the summer..I finally felt so belonging to school that I didn't want to leave but now I use that memory as a source of my strenght among other things. but I went into another "dark place when I bumped into my ex,and started scratching again and not coming to my training for a year.

after a year meny of the guys from my kwoon wpuld ask my dad how I was doing and all,and I tried to go back but quickly left for home once I got there. I was ashamed of my hand and my shyness crippled me. but eventually..after my parents stopped harrasing me and stopped with the guilt trips I finally made myslelf remmber how much the guys there love me and how i felt so accepted there and was never judged or treated badly and though they wont care about my arm and how bad it looked so i desided to go despite the lurking shyness and fear and came back permanently till today which is alsmost a year. and now I still fight the battle of shyness but it feels easier. but unfortunately I have a new bad habit..piking my eyelashes,but I forced myself to stop despite the urge there is one thing I haven't changed I s my silence,I still dont share my feelings..even with my own parents or "my guys" at the kwoon,sometimes I just want to go to my club and cry and let them no how I feel and feel like i let go of my 18 years of silence of my sholders but one problem is...I always feel better after my three hour trainning class that i never get to it lol. so this is my story to today. and I hope I can one day share this with either my bf husband or close friend or perhaps my parents!

BelleRaven BelleRaven
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 12, 2009

I find it hard to talk to parents, close friends etc. about my true feelings, too.<BR><BR>Really hope you can share this with someone in the future, so keep your chin up! :)