Shy My Whole Life.... Is It Truly Possible to Change?
I've been shy ever since i was born. I chose to play alone as a child and rarely (if ever) asked for attention from others. I am introverted and extremely self-conscious. I have put on different personas throughout my whole life, from obnoxiously talkative to class clown to insecure fool to a complete mute, in order to make friends. I constantly doubt myself and my social anxiety inhibits me from thinking of something to say and even when I think of something to say, I rarely speak up because I'm too afraid of the reaction of others. I haven't had a close friend in many years and only had many school "friends" who I NEVER hang out with outside of school, so I guess they're more like acquaintances. I was made fun of regularly most of my life and have always been the odd one out. I had two close friends as a child and completely lost touch with them during high school, which I'm finishing this year. My only true long-lasting friends...
The worst part is concerning girls. I'm above average looking so girls come on to me and I either have too low self-esteem and become too stunned they'd even be interested in me. I freeze in those situations (one of the most popular girls at my school asked me to prom a couple months ago and I froze :( ). Or I misinterpret their advances as being simply friendly. I am always intimidated by other people's confidence and their attractiveness, especially when it comes to girls. I'm 19 and never had a girlfriend! :(
I hate myself and I feel lonely almost all the time. I have contimplated suicide more than a few times. The only thing that allowed me to persevere during those hard times sadly was drugs. It made me even more suicidal (depressed) in the end and I made the best decision of my life: to seek therapy.
I happen to be athletic though it has not helped me gain any friends, despite joining numerous teams. I am extremely quiet around others, even when I'm the best pla
It seems so hopeless a lot of time to even try to change myself and become a more sociable person with friends. I want to no longer despise myself and have people look through me as though I'm not there because they have no respect for me. I hate myself and I hate feeling depressed and lonely all the time.
lol a family friend even asked my mom how someone like me (athletic, good looking, smart) could be so painfully shy... It just makes me feel so inferior and inadequate.
That's my story :)