Fibromyalgia is a curse. It has taken so much from me. Every day for me is a struggle. Every day is a fight. I go to bed in pain. I get up in pain. I stretch or take meds to get rid of it. I wanted to be a parent all of my life. I finally have a daughter and I am no where near the parent I wanted to be.
I try to be positive and do fun things, but it doesn't last long. I try to encourage myself and say others have it worse than me. I read, I pray, I cry but nothing comes out.
My house is turned upside down. Cooking was once a passion of mine but has become difficult b/c of the pain. It is hard to have stamina to get things done. I have no energy. I am tired and cold alot, esp as Winter weather approaches. My weight is up b/c of the stupid meds that don't work much in the first place. I am clumsy and I slipped and I hurt my knee. Cigna Insurance stinks, need I say more. My marriage fell apart. I am plagued with migraines every day. Everything I try to do is messed up. I am writing a book but never have the time to work on it. My life has been a Lifetime Movie for the past year. My FIL awaits trial in Feb for molesting three of my nieces. Yet I try to stay strong and stay firm in my faith in God. I tell myself that I have been through alot worse that I can make it. I pull myself back up each and every day and somehow keep going. The process is getting exhausting to me. Sometimes I feel like giving up.
Others, I psyche myself up enough to storm through. Daily life is a struggle for me. Sometimes I feel like a failure. I feel like some days all I do is scream and yell at my child. When all I really want to do is love her and protect her. I feel like although I have wonderful friends, I have no help or support b/c they can't be here in person. It is tough to be alone with a 4 yr old all day. When her dad comes home, he is exhausted from work and school. He's too tired to help with anything. I feel frustrated and alone. Most days I am disappointed in myself b/c I am not living up to my potential or my high expectations for myself.
There is a faint glimmer of that amazing person. She keeps fighting. Oftentimes I wonder how much she has left. What if she finally breaks? So, should she carry on, what awaits her fate?

xx The Crimson Lady
BeyondGreenEyes BeyondGreenEyes
36-40, F
10 Responses Nov 8, 2012

You said that you are not the mother you wanted to be and you are not living up to your expectations of yourself ... If it's any consolation, not many of us reach that goal. If you have done your best, you have achieved all that can be asked of you. Certainly, try to improve, but accept that cannot always be perfect - only human.
Oh ... one thing - please try to avoid raising your voice to your child. I know it can be difficult at times, but it is just a waste of energy and usually accomplishes nothing.

I have Lupus and Diabetes type 2. I also have fibromyalgia as a result. The fatigue is awful. I had to get a Life Coach to help me process my feelings. Lord knows my PCP has no time to talk about anything. Don't despair, you are not alone.

My wife is in constant pain like that as well. Though she doesn't have fibromyalgia. In the process I have been doing a lot research to cone up with answers. Naturalnews.com had become one of my favorite websites. Very anti pharmaceutical and very much all natural. While you are on chemo make sure to take pro biotics. I will find the article on it and sendit to you later after work. Also look up the keshefoundation.org. They have some revolutionary treatments for fibromyalgia using magnetism and harmonics. They are located in belgium I believe. However maybe you can find similar technology here once you know what to look for.

I am sorry to hear your wife is in pain too. I hope she finds something to help her. I have heard of that website. I will check it out thanks. I look forward to seeing the article. One of the chemo drugs is aggravating my Fibro a bit. Thanks for your concern:) It means alot.

I have seen the websites and info that Ana speaks of. They really do have some amazing information that could really help you. If you need help finding the info or researching let me know and I will see what I can come up with.

I'm amazed by how many ppl I see on here fighting extreme pain on a daily basis & I now realize that even though I am also living w chronic pain, that WE are all here for each other. Draw strength from another's words when you're feeling your lowest & ready to give up. This isn't the life any of us envisioned when we were kids, but now WE'RE the parents...the role models...the heroes to our own children. They may not see how hard it is for us now, but when they're grown they'll realize just what Mom or Dad were going through & fighting for...That's why everyday we live as much as we can for THEM. Sorry for the rant...maybe I'm trying to talk myself up a bit, cuz giving up seems easier than ever.

Thank you for your reply. I am thankful for the friends I have met on here that support and encourage me daily. I am sure you will meet some too. I am sorry to hear that you suffer from chronic pain too. Your right, with kids it isn't easy and they don't always understand. It is hard to push through pain and fatigue when you can barely hold your head up. But we have to find strength for them and hope one day when they are older they will understand. I know what u mean about giving up, but I just think about all I have gotten through and it makes me a stronger person. I hope you can do the same.

never give up ...........ever !! ......you have your daughter to keep fighting for, you have a brilliant future and a wonderful life to live ............dont ever think that you not worthy ........ you are!

Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words and support. I am not feeling that bad these days...this was written in a low week for me. I am doing better at the moment, thanks:)

you are very welcome ......

Your're right, fibromyalgia is a curse and it affects everyone around us. I keep praying for a miracle that some day they( the medical field) can fix this ***** illness. I feel like a crappy parent too, I can't do much for them. The only thing I have left is my family so I try extra hard to be kind to my kids. It's not easy but I need their support and love. I send you my sympathy.

I am sorry to hear that you struggle too. I am pregnant now. So that makes it even harder. The fatigue is tough. It is so hard. I applied for disability and it's on appeal. I got an older judge and he didn't believe alot of what I said. I think Lyrica is the best drug out there if u can tolerate it. Cymbalta and Savella are **** in my opinion. Wellbutrin helped me for a while. Chiropractic helped some, but didn;t last. I understand your frustration. This illness makes everything u try to do ten times harder. It's tough to be patient with your kids. I am fortunate I have made good friends on here that encourage and support me. I will keep you in my prayers and wish u all the best. If u need a friend, I am here for you.

It may not mean much, but with you being a person of faith, the struggle an pain is something you should be thankful for, because it makes you appreciate what you have. I'm not downplaying your problems, but you should be proud that you have a beautiful child and someone who loves you. I'm sure you have a lot more than that even. Focus on what makes you happy and when your old and grey, the struggle out of hell won't matter, it's who you had along the way. Stay strong. Don;t let anything break you.

Thank you. You are right. I have one child and another on the way, much to be thankful for. It means alot that u stopped by:)

Hi "C"
I've plowed my way through this post, and all the replys- wow- what can I say-

I cannot know what that sort of pain does for you. I have pain, but not to that extreame..

Yet you still battle on regardless.. Amazing

And, all the other issues in your life ...
Most people I know would not have made it through that.
You must be one strong cookie!!

Several people I have friended on here have illnesses that prevent them from getting on with there life - and yet somehow, god know how, manage to carry on..well done for persevering.
I know it's hard - life sucks sometimes.
My own personal life has had so many hardships, but this story, it makes some of my hardships look insignificant.
Thank you for sharing this info about you- and well done for carrying on, and not just siting there -and saying "oh sod it- I can't be bothered"
I've watched my elderly father do that- he lost the will to persevere with life after he broke his hip 2 yrs ago.
He is so depressed, and most of the time, just sits there watching tv.
I try- but it's such hard work trying to raise his spirits.
Good luck - I'm sure the doctors, and magical scientists will, one day, ease your pain, without all those nasty side effects.
Mark xx

Wow...thank you for such a kind and lengthy reply. I appreciate the love and support so much. I've had to be strong. I had to grow up fast. I have been through alot, and this above story, is just the tip of an iceberg lol.. I was having a super rough day when I wrote this and nearly broke down. But I see God has me here for a reason and I just continue to pick myself up and keep going. Have no choice really. You have chronic pain too? I am sorry to hear about that. That must be rough caring for your parents. It is hard to watch those you love get hurt and depressed and give up. I am sure your being there means more to him than you know. I am certain they are proud to have u as a son:)

"C" xx

I injured my back many years ago - lifting a very large television- and despite many many sessions of physio and traction -and acupuncture - some mornings - I can barely get my own socks on!!
And the pain is not just in my back- it's my hip, and left leg- you can take meds, but the pain is nearly always present

As I said - it's not as bad as your suffering - but as a friend once said "you know your alive, if you have pain"
I'm at work ATM - catch u later - mark xx

Man, I am sorry to hear that. It is rough pushing through pain everyday to get things done. Sometimes I don't think Dr's even have all the meds and answers to help people like us. I hate to hear that you struggle so much.
I would rather feel pain than nothing at all...

Although you may believe that you are griping, you are just venting and to me, that is quite healthy - mentally and spiritually. Despite your ailments, you sound like an incredible woman and I trust that you'll find a combo of meds that will in fact work to get you back to where you feel you need to be.

I know it's not an easy road toiling in pain, but maintaining your positive outlook and aspirations is key :) Best of luck to you my friend!

Thank you. Your kind words mean so much...

It's the truth - I rarely sugar coat anything I say lol

Hey girl, I also have it. The VA has got me on everything from gavepentin to methadone. I take a pharmacy every day and before Iraq I wouldn't even take asprin. The migraines got fixed with Depakote. Divalalproex is the generic name. It works for migraines, seizures, and mood problems (rage and depression)
In the infantry, we faced hard days that lasted for 3 and pain couldn't be part of our thoughts. It was just normal. If we weren't in pain, we were on leave. :-) A very good drill sgt told me something when I was a young private, that I carry wiyh me in the forefront of my mind always. "One more step. One more breath." It's comes down to being that simple and on that level. Always take one more. :)

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I am sorry to hear that you have struggled as well. It is a horrible illness. I was on Gabapentin, but I am off that and now I take Inderal, which does nothing but make you swell, bloat, gain weight and crave carbs. I also take Pamelor. It helps some. I found the Neurologist to be more helpful than the Rheumatologist. Depakote was suggested, but it can cause alot of weight gain, but I think that will be my next try.
I don't like taking the meds, it sounds like you don't either. I found that Lyrica worked best, but I couldn't tolerate the side effects. It is so frustrating. I will remember your words, I will use them to pull me up and out of the hole when things get bad. I know I have to push forward, no matter what. I wish you better health in the future and thank you for your service to our country.

I'm glad my advice helped. :) Why did you stop the gabapentin? I'm at 2700 mg /day. I found it helps my hips, if I don't overdo it :-) Depakote hasn't messed with my weight since we got the dosage right.

There's also pain management classes in most areas. I have been through several at the VA and they actually help alot to put everything into perspective. When in the middle of pain there's no thought of sequences or anything at all for that matter. It just hurts, huh? :( I have also gotten into healing touch. It's not religious :) it deals with the natural energies between us and the earth. It works, if you let it. I hope all this info helps some. The more ammo you've got, the more likely you are tk win. Lol thanks for being my friend.

Your welcome. The Neurologist stopped gabapentin and put me on Inderal. I guess you can't take the two of them together. I am glad your weight hasn't been affected.
I am overweight already, so that's why the weight is such a big issue. lol.
I went to pain management before, and it helped. But it made me blow out like a balloon and it didn't last long enough. So, I decided it wasn't worth the crap I went through to have such minimal results. Although I will say, it helped my TMJ greatly.
I have a friend who is an RN at the VA and he loves it. He says he feels like he really makes a difference and he likes the interaction with the patients.
I am trying to meditate and learn about breathing techniques to help with pain.
I know all about healing touch and that it works. I went to those groups when I was a teenager. There were meetings that my aunt took me to. She was into it, I just tagged along and observed:) I have read all I can about Fibro and migraines. I think it's all connected. Thank you for being my friend and for your kind advice as well:)