MissingFibromyalgia is a curse. It has taken so much from me. Every day for me is a struggle. Every day is a fight. I go to bed in pain. I get up in pain. I stretch or take meds to get rid of it. I wanted to be a parent all of my life. I finally have a daughter and I am no where near the parent I wanted to be.
I try to be positive and do fun things, but it doesn't last long. I try to encourage myself and say others have it worse than me. I read, I pray, I cry but nothing comes out.
My house is turned upside down. Cooking was once a passion of mine but has become difficult b/c of the pain. It is hard to have stamina to get things done. I have no energy. I am tired and cold alot, esp as Winter weather approaches. My weight is up b/c of the stupid meds that don't work much in the first place. I am clumsy and I slipped and I hurt my knee. Cigna Insurance stinks, need I say more. My marriage fell apart. I am plagued with migraines every day. Everything I try to do is messed up. I am writing a book but never have the time to work on it. My life has been a Lifetime Movie for the past year. My FIL awaits trial in Feb for molesting three of my nieces. Yet I try to stay strong and stay firm in my faith in God. I tell myself that I have been through alot worse that I can make it. I pull myself back up each and every day and somehow keep going. The process is getting exhausting to me. Sometimes I feel like giving up.
Others, I psyche myself up enough to storm through. Daily life is a struggle for me. Sometimes I feel like a failure. I feel like some days all I do is scream and yell at my child. When all I really want to do is love her and protect her. I feel like although I have wonderful friends, I have no help or support b/c they can't be here in person. It is tough to be alone with a 4 yr old all day. When her dad comes home, he is exhausted from work and school. He's too tired to help with anything. I feel frustrated and alone. Most days I am disappointed in myself b/c I am not living up to my potential or my high expectations for myself.
There is a faint glimmer of that amazing person. She keeps fighting. Oftentimes I wonder how much she has left. What if she finally breaks? So, should she carry on, what awaits her fate?
xx The Crimson Lady
RedTearsFall 31-35, F 10 Responses 26 Nov 8, 2012