Can't Take It Anymore!!!

I've been sick with some undiagnoseable illness for close to a year now! Some days used to be better than others, but now I'm not even having good days.

I went to the doctor yesterday, a "sick visit", it was sort of against my will (my mom made appt) but I feel so horrible I thought I'd give it a shot. I've lost 20 pounds in 5 weeks, and it was discovered that my blood pressure drops when I'm standing up. I tried to explain how awful I feel after I eat, when I do eat, but since I couldn't find the words to be articulate enough at the time, the issue was basically ignored. All Dr said was "I would encourage you to eat." Yeah...great nugget of wisdom there. I go days without eating because I dread how I feel after eating. Not eating actually makes me feel better. I get clarity, not only in my mind but also my body feels more cleansed and healthy.

I have an appointment in 2 weeks with my primary care Dr. I don't know if I'm going to make it till then. I can't eat. I can't really do anything that requires standing. I can't sleep well. (I wake up frequently because I stop breathing in my sleep) So!?!

My other issue is my mom. I've felt half dead for a month now and have kept it mostly to myself. I told her about not feeling well in a general sense, and also told her my fear of what if I die in my sleep one night and then my body's just left there to rot. I know it's morbid but it's also reality...if you live alone and don't have frequent house guests then that is essentially what will happen. So I mentioned that to her, and set up a system with her where I text her every morning and night between 8-9, that way she'll know if she doesn't get a text. That way (I'M HOPING) my body will only be bere for a max of 12 hours unattended.

Why isn't my mother more caring or attentive than that? Because she's crazy. She thinks every thought, feeling, or emotion that comes out of me is far fetched and from fantasy land. My intellect she complements me on, but any of my feelings are for the birds. In my teens and early 20s I had a 'me against the world' tough girl attitude...so maybe it's my fault.

So anyway, yesterday she took me to Drs appt. I've barely been able to eat out fear for the aftermath, but I do miss it! I miss eating food! So after the appt I suggested we get something to eat, and if something bad happens at least I wouldn't be aline when it did. There was alot of banter and reasoning back and forth, but eventually that's what we did.

The thing.that made things go to depths of hell was she said "do I you like my glasses?" I said "yeah I like them. I saw them before." She said "you didn't say anything..." Then I said "God forbid" That's when the evil came out.
During this little back and forth that we were having I was eating my first meal in about a week, mind you. She started flipping out then drove me home (only a few blocks away) and was screaming at me to get out of the car blah blah blah. I reminded her that the whole point of us eating was so that she could watch and see what happens to me after I eat, so that maybe I could explain it to the Dr better next time. *sigh* Well in the end I ended up getting out of the car in tears...and then once the full effect of the food kicked in I slept it off for about 3 hours. Still felt a little bad after sleep but it was bearable.

So I'm just stuck here alone in my misery. I'll continue to text her every sm amd pm so that I'm not left go rot, but other than that I'm on my own. It's more peaceful this way anyway. No heavy heart. No hate or ill will. Not a bad way to go. ~I love all who were positive in the event of my demise.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 12, 2013

You are beautiful. Please live.