So Much Pain - Lonely Scientist Gone Mad

SO Yet another test I stood.

my current colleague, ex best friend, current concurrent, A. put me to yet another test. It goes around development of a simulation system for computations and things.

He had his ideas, they were classic approach to solutions. I took one year longer than him, but I built a solution, which was far better than him, easily manipulable, easily reconfigurable, has it's own programming skript, infinitely expandable.

He was testing it. He did not care the instructions, made failures. Stupid ones. But finally it worked.

He asked me, if I have redundancy, I don't need redundancy, I have automatic Heuristic adjustment to the operation, to infinite precision.

So I won, again, through the combat.

But what.

Now i lie again, in the bed, TV exploding loudly, as my roommate wants it, through my headset, while i listen to J Sebastian Bach, in youtube, trying to calm my self down. Meanwhile, my body aches in pain, my foreheads are about to burst, my head hurts, as if the brain is jumping and hitting the inside of my skull. Brains dont have feeling itself, you can cut a brain open in two pieces, the subject will not feel anything, because pain sensory nerves are absent in brain. I feel like i will burst in tears, and get just a blast of hot wind through my nose.

The success itself does not mean anything to me. I climb over thousands of those every day. The lack of them drive me insane, but when i have them, I don't feel any different. Alone the success, does not bring me joy.

I tried to take a break, but even when i have a break, I think all the time about my work. Alone, the break brings me nothing.

I lie down, close my eyes, fill myself with alcohol, and light another, chemical additive free cigeratte. Meanwhile Bach shouts in my ears: Vergiss den Schmerz : forget the pain ....... meanwhile, i can feel my vains pumping so much blood to my brain that they are about to tear off.

In a dizzy state, I wake up, look at my next task, and type the command in, to operate on ..


How long, will I have to keep on bearing the pain all alone, masking it in alcohol?

deleted deleted
May 20, 2012