I Am Finally Able To Be In A Relationship, But, It Maybe Too Late.

I am 42 years old and have never been in a relationship. The reality is I have only been on one real date. There are a few reasons for the lack of love in my life. For example, I was not interested in relationships in High School. I was too depressed and lacked confidence in myself. I was interested in women, but, I did not know how to approach them. My college days where the best part of my life. I was learning and growing more aware of the world. Still, I never really dated. I was overweight and lacked confidence. However, I did fall in love with one of my Professors. It was never physical, but, we spent a lot of time talking about history and life. The problem was she was married with children, and I refused to complicate her life by expressing my interest, however, I am sure she knew I had feelings for her.When I reached my mid twenties my life fell apart. I had my first Manic Episode and ended up in the hospital. In the years 1995-96 I had four short hospitalizations. I was a wreck, I was trapped in my thoughts and had difficulty expressing myself. It didn't help I was on a heavy dose of lithium. At any rate, it took years to piece my shattered psyche together. When I finally did bring some stability, I still hadn't found wholeness. I was trapped in a narrative that I was 'Mentally Ill' and broken. I also had no income and I still had some difficulty communicating. This fragile stability was shattered when I went to work in 2007. I worked graveyard and swing shift at a group home that had violent offenders. I was expected to do restraints and felt constantly threatened. The stressed culminated in me not sleeping and becoming depressed and anxious. I ended up in the hospital and began to spiral. I didn't recover from the effects of that job until recently. Last September I had surgery to remove my Thyroid due to cancer. It was a blessing in disguise. I have become much more stable and more assertive. Now, I am finally open and ready, but, at 42 it may be too late...
JRW1970 JRW1970
1 Response Nov 29, 2012