Sick And Tired. But Mostly Tired.

I'll be I can't really motivate myself for digging to deep in my own minefields......

I had one crush which was epic fail. Just got stonewalled and still don't know why, even after running back into her later. It was to painful to ask directly and she didn't explain it so....nothing. Bad start! And I started late. And now add 4 years. You're there.

Second attempt. Met a new girl online. Gave everything. Got the casino treatment. Picked up the pieces. Bad second try. Found myself stronger for it , but somewhat apathetic and sad. There were quite some scars and lost "1st" things in this one. Can't get it back, I will just have to make better experiences...somehow. Can't give up trying, there's never a stop button, only a pause.

So 4 years basically of picking myself up and working on making myself as best I can I figured.....I'm done with blaming me. This isn't fair to anyone and it certainly isn't effective at finding love or happiness in life.

And I've been looking ever since. I've been staring at my room at my empty room. In every place I can think of , cars swimming pools, my bed, the bathroom the kitchen the living room, bowling alleys sports events (if any) friends places restaurants, trains......I can't imagine her not being around me.....I refuse to give up some I don't have.......just because I simply can not win the battle against myself. I can't pull myself together and say....I'm alone...I can deal with it, not everyday, I can't fight this fight every day and win every day. That's too much. I can win. But I can't avoid losing sometimes. It's those days I stare blankly at what to others is open space but to me is an image of comfort and friendship, she's right there....has been for a long time. I just can't be with her, not for real, and that is far from fair....

And tomorrow. Tomorrow I start the battle all over again, back to motivational square one. Back to regular life with same old me. Just me.
This had better had a happy ending....or I'm going to be very disappointed in whatever some people believe to be guiding the universe and everything in it....

DreamingTaoTiger DreamingTaoTiger
31-35, M
2 Responses Jan 7, 2013

I know how you feel. I'm going threw a lot of the same things even tried the internet dating & that was a fail. You seem like a caring & strong person. Hang in there & she will come into your life when you least expect it :)

Thank you :3 that was very nice of you to say!

No problem :)

You are lovely and sweet, and you know no-one is guiding the universe silly!

Be patient sunshine :)

I'm trying :3

But I've had the fortune of finding a good friend on EP, and a lot of wonderful people. That alone already helps a lot more then just trying :)