I Am Very Lonely And Tired Of Being Single And Yet I Know I Am Not Ready Yet

I don't even know if anyone would ever want me again due to my drug history and past. I have terrible hideous scars from needle tracks all over my arms, my once beautiful arms. I have Hep C although it's in dormancy due to my not using needles now for 6 years and not smoking crack chronically anymore. Still I am also now on disability and cannot I am told work again.

I know I have much to offer though, told I am beautiful and look so much younger for my age still it inside of me what counts and inside is torment, sorrow and pain. I need some meetings. I need some friends, I need to reach out. I can't though every day passes by and I isolate more and more. I don't know what to do.

My life once so wondrous I traveled as I am an ex Flight Attendant also I lived in England where I was a Cosmetic's Consultant for Estee Lauder on a Cosmetic's Market in a well known department store there, worked in the city also at the hub of the Fashion Industry known as "The Vancouver Fashion Show Mart" import, export fashion industry!!! Now I'm on $900 per month disability!?! My choices have proven to be my downfall in my life. After being bullied and beaten in school, at home also, then molested and then raped by my then brother in law, my eldest sister caught him on top of me 3 times they threatened to beat the **** out of me if I ever told. Now she is one of Hollywood's top make up artist and hair stylist's for the big time movies while I sit here rotting as she did NOT help me when I was 10 1/2 years old he molested me till almost age 15, he owns Insurance Company's here in Canada while I live below poverty level drug addicted, selling my *** to get by on Craigslist!?!?!?!  At age 37 after holding onto myself in body, mind and spirit I caved and fell apart smoking crack at my girlfriends for the first time it would then become the living hell I know still to this day!  

Sometimes I just say "Lord I am so tired, so very very tired please bring me home I am begging you Lord please"
myLIFEruined myLIFEruined
51-55, F
Jan 15, 2013