I've Never Been Single

Since the age of 18, I have been in some relationship at all times.  This is 9 years of dependency.  I've even been divorced, and immediately jumped into another relationship.  Finally, I find myself in a place where a relationship has ended, and I don't WANT a new one.  I don't want any relationship, but I don't know how to deal with just ME.  I have no idea how to entertain myself.  I have no friends that I have acquired in adulthood - I always adopted my boyfriends' friends, and when the relationship goes, they usually go too.  I'm incredibly depressed from the loss of the most recent relationship, and yet I have to put my best face forward and act happy so that I can make NEW friends.  I feel pressure from every man that I meet because I feel like he wants more than just friendship.  I am so uncomfortable being alone, being with new people, just being myself.  Everyone new is so disappointing compared to my last boyfriend.  Every experience is disappointing because we always had so much fun.  I hope that I can learn to be alone soon.
Sooozie Sooozie
26-30, F
8 Responses Jun 8, 2007

I am single for the first time in over 16 years, I'm only 32... so since 15 I've been in a relationship. Non-stop, thtat's about half my life on this planet... The girl thtat took my virginity (then gave it back)at 15 I was with till 22, not that I was perfect by anymeans... I hope this doesn't come off as a justification, but... i was 22, at a party with a girl from work, the girl I thought was the best looking at my work... we went to a party one night and she kinda came on to me, she knew my first GF b/c we all worked togather as servers at a restureaunt for about 4 yrs... ugh, that's another complete story, lol. But in the end of the virginity taker, started a relationship built partially in lust, was crazy then my previouus relationship... she was psyichal, and not in the good way. Anyway, we have a baby, I end up w/ a demestic violence... mind you, my previous 7 year relationship NEVER got psyichal, not once.... anyway, we try and work everything out, she is going to school for psycology, doing an internship and started banging her boss... this is the end of a 5 yr CRAZY relationship and we have a son togather, bit of a happy ending (mostly), we get a long much better as friends. Our son has a great relationsip with both of us, he's my lil life saver, quite litterally honestly. So, she's getting w/ her boss, facebook was getting popular at this time... I reconnected with a girl I've known since 6th grade, always have been in and out of eachothers lives, weather yrs apart, days, months, we were always there in some way... AND have had a mutal "thing" that was always there, but never really acted on, or really had the chance for it to blossom.... till we reconnected once again via FaceBook. She was "it", I could spend complete eturnity with this soul, no problem. She is my "Dream Girl", so we get a chance to be with one another around the time I turn 28, It's beautiful from day one, almost like "Finally, yes this is real"... almost sureal. She has a son, I have a son (her's is a bit older) ... her son is my sons brother, my son looks up to him, learns from him. I have, basically joint custody of my son... we all live togather son happy for around 2 yrs, of course we had our ups and downs, but b/c out childhoods were so similar... we understodd one another, she is the definition of innosence... pure angel, pure empathy. She get's sick, after two years of our family being the brady bunch, bonding... loving, Her name is Christine... she was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung cancer at the age of ******* 29 ******* years old... we are a ******* family, wtf.... ( as I write this, it is 6 months to the date. I'm getting better, I dont cry everyday anymore, but it still ******* hurts). Our family unit stay's together through this freak situation, ton's of hug's , tons of tears, tons of confusion. Tons of hopelessness, but still a ray of hope... The wound dulls with time, but I believe it's a scare, it doesnt EVER go away... always there, always a reminder. Her son, my son... havent seen each other, six months. My son ask about him every day... I dont know what to tell him. So, this happens... I've been alone for 6 months today, I"m not better, but I"m better... I need to work on me, I feel nobody wants me. I'm alone, though... I have my lil boy, he is my reason for living, I will admidt, at times when Chris was sick, I would almost be mad that "why does she get to go, bullshit, I"m stuck here" but I have a chance to be with my son, and she would give anything in the world for one more moment with her son... There is so much more to this, but... this is on the surface, maybe this is helping to scratch it. It's a crazy ride, it can always be worse... live in the moment, there is nothing wrong in this exact moment, not a milisecond from now... right ******* now, no past and no future... now is what is real. Peace!

Wow I wrote this a long time ago! Since then, I have spent the better part of 3 years single, and truly enjoyed it. I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man, and am the happiest I've ever been.

Good for YOU for finally wanting to learn how to be an independent person. Once you do that, you should be able to make MUCH, MUCH better decisions about the persons you CHOOSE to spend time with. You might WANT to be with a person, instead of feeling you NEED to be with a person - a much better place to be, and from which you can make better decisions.

Don't you have any hobbies/interests/activities you do WITHOUT a man? If not, you have a task ahead of you. WIsh I was there to chat in person. I'd have LOTS of advice for you.

Hmm. I had successive (sometimes overlapping) relationships from the age of 15, married at 18, and now I'm 45. Have no idea really what it feels like to be single as an adult, and yet I have a powerful self-identity. It can't have been already formed at 15, so I assume I have been able to grow as a person within marriage. It is a GOOD marriage, so obviously that helps. Still, I don't think being single is necessary to be yourself.

i too, find it difficult to be alone. i can go both ways, i love to go shopping alone, but on a friday or saturday night, i don't know what to do with myself. i do have a relationship right now and pitifully he's my only friend. don't have any friends. hmmm

Sad - not good at all for your mental health.

I find your story quite inspiring, in a strange way. It seems like a remarkable (but pain-laden) opportunity for you. Because what is more important than your self, your real self? The designation "single" is sort of strange when you think about it. We aren't born, nor do we grow up as part of a pair. Being with someone is the unusual state, from the perspective of one's own identity. It strikes me that the world is very much at your feet, and all those things that you would have never done because you were in a relationship are now open to you. There's a myriad of possibilities just waiting for you to take hold of them, and any outlandish fantasies you might have once put aside as being unrealistic or not sensible are surely now yours for the taking. Good luck! And go get some of your own friends, you'd be doing them a favour ;) - it sounds like you've got a fire that burns in you, and that's a rare thing.

I never thought about losing my identity, it never frustrated me at all. But here I am, with no singular identity.

I was always in relationships too, although I never felt like I lost my identity in them. I hope that you can find yourself - then I hope you find that one true special someone that completes you.

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