I Am Sick Of The Rollercoaster Ride

I'm 26 years old, and have severe depression and anxiety. My mood fluctuate constantly, i know there are people worse off. but my point is not about  feeling sorry for myself, it is the sheer frustration that my body does this. 

 The other week i was on a bus with my fiance and her son heading to a city about twenty miles away form where i live. About fifteen minutes into the journey i began to feel travel sick, i then started to feel like i needed the bathroom- at that point i decided i was stuck on this bus and convincing myself that i would soil myself if i didn't get off the bus.

i carried on with the journey, holding my wrist out of the window to try and bring my temperature down, but to no avail my body continued into full panic to the point that i felt i was not 'there'. i wanted to throw up, but i couldn't get off the bus as we had no idea where we were.

i remember seeing a petrol station, diving up and running down the bus (my fiance and her twelve year old sun running after me) i dived into the petrol station- feeling high as a kite- demanding to use his lavatory as i was having a panic attack, the man looked at me in a way i can't describe.

we were five miles away from our destination, i had stranded my fiance and her son five miles away! My panic carried on, i would not get back on a bus!

so we began walking to the nearest city, in freezing cold weather, i couldn't utter a word to either of them as my mouth wouldn't speak.

the particular area we had found ourselves in was not a particularly safe area either, though to cut a long story short we walked the five miles. it took two hours as i was stopping at every possible place i could use the bathroom.

things like that make me feel awful...

 

I hate having to tell my fiance i will have to cut our night out together short because i am starting to panic, but i know that she would hate it if i wasn't honest with her. I think she must love me very much. 

I have apologised so many times because of allowances people have had to make because of my illness, it makes me feel less of a man.

Not a 'man' in a i dare not cry sense, but in the sense that i can be your life partner, you can trust and rely on me etc 

maybe masculine is more the word i am looking for.

bluebells bluebells
22-25
1 Response Feb 26, 2010

You doing better these days?