I Want To Check Out

Im insanely disgusted by my family, i am sick and tired of life in general. I have always felt like I have been punished by having such mentally ill family member's and by being treated like a piece of crap by them. My immediate family consists of my mother, 3 sisters and i guess you can add a dead beat dad in there too. My mother complains about how ****** her life has been, except that it was ****** because of the decisions she has made all of her life. There is a saying that goes "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" well that quote fits perfectly with her life. The first man she married was a psychopath that beat the crap out of her, but she still decided to have 2 kids with him (my 2 older sisters), she stayed around and took the abuse because she chose to. The 2nd imbecile she married was my "dad". He used her and beat her up as well, he also dumped her for a younger woman after i was born (what great luck ive had) the 3rd idiot husband and the one she unfortunately is still with is the one i totally despise. She has been with this idiot all of my life, since i was 2 yrs old and im 22 now. He is a ********* that sexually abused me twice- and yes i did tell everyone including my mother, all she did was give excuses and finally she just denied it- she denies it to this day and she yells at me if i even bring it up. I have grown up with incredibly low self esteem all of my life because of her, she preferred some useless disgusting fat piece of garbage over believing me. Her happiness has always came first. It ****** me off that she has the audacity to wonder and ask why i have always had such low self esteem. What does she think sexual abuse is normal? oh yeah probably in her own little world it is. This moron doesn't even let me visit her house or call her, as if im the one that did something to wrong him- oh yeah besides tell everyone what he did to me. And she listen's, its more like this sick manipulative ******* is her father- she is nothing but a sucker that gets used by him, but she falls for it, he has even cheated on her but like always she has a excuse for everything he does. My oldest sister is a narcissist, she think's she is the most beautiful thing to walk the planet, she likes to pretend she is rich and like she is some sort of "celebrity", she spends hours at the gym, tanning and doesn't eat like a normal person because she can't "ruin her figure". I forgot to mention that she has 2 kids who are 15 and 8 who she heavily neglects because her and her husband are both narcissists who are too busy with themselves. She spends money like water on brand names, clothes, cars and make up just to seem like she has everything. Also she is heavily in debt, she is constantly complaining about how she is so "broke" and sometimes doesn't even buy food because she and her husband blow all their money on fancy clothes- and im talking about 20 dollar lipsticks and 100 dollar pairs of jeans. She owes me 700 dollars, which i will likely not see again- but im pretty sure i will soon be hearing about another party she is throwing, because even though she is broke somehow she always finds cash for parties. I can go months, even a year without seeing or hearing from her- except when she needs something. I see that she thinks of me as lower than her, i get that already, maybe im not fit or attractive enough to be seen with her, but the truth is she is a fake- she will some day be broke and possibly on the street because she is a idiot that is trying to be something she is not. My second older sister (33 years old) was a teen mother, a gang banger that caused nothing but trouble for everyone. She gave birth to my oldest nephew (16 yrs old) at the age of 17. None of her life has ever been about him- all of her life has been about her love life. Thanks to this, my nephew has grown up depressed and with low self esteem, essentially he is going through the same issues that i have been suffering with all of my life- this saddens me for him because i care a lot about him, but unfortunately the damage is done. My sister has concerned herself more with who her "soul mate" is than her own son, she cannot see what she is doing to him even though it's very apparent- even to me. Currently she is living in a 2000 dollar a month home, she works and blows all her pay checks on this house, why? because her loser boyfriend used to live there and since he is now in jail- he doesn't want to lose that home- so she is making sure he doesn't. She sickens me how much she cares more about this loser than her own son. She reminds me a whole lot of my mother, one can even say that she got those horrible traits from her. They sure do know how to pick morons. The funny thing to me is, how they complain so much about them. Like those types of women who meet nice guys but they don't like them, they want the biggest ***** they can find- they are only happy with someone who will treat them like garbage, that's what they like.
My father, i cant say much about him except that he is a dead beat, he acts like he has done si much for me- when in reality he was never there- he is a moron who is too concerned about money, all he cares about is working to provide for his gold digger wife and their 2 kids. He doesn;t call me either unless he needs something. I've pretty much given up on this family, i never asked to be a part of it- i never asked to be born- but my parent's brought me into this life to suffer and to punish me for their own flaws. I have made a vow to myself that i shall never have children, because bringing children on this planet that you don't love or care about, just on accident- that is a bigger punishment on the child than anyone else, yet selfish moronic, irresponsible people do this all the time. They bring children into this world to suffer because they cant keep their ****** legs closed. I have decided that since i didn't have a choice into being born i might as well have the choice as to how i shall leave this earth, and i will leave this earth. I came here alone and i shall leave alone, there is no purpose for me here except for illness and suffering, i have suffered from depression all of my life, i have many physical ailments- i am done with life, there is nothing here for me. I want off this planet and if i have to do it myself thats fine- there is no one here that depends on me, i have no children that will be left as orphans. Everyone here will have a normal life- they will be just fine without me, as they have always been. This life has been nothing but a scourge on me, the ultimate punishment for being born. Well im going to say bye bye and check out pretty soon. im excited to go, im excited for this to end. Id rather rot in the ground than live this joke of a life. If there is a next life hopefully it will be something better than this.
Kalar1234 Kalar1234
26-30, F
7 Responses Oct 18, 2012

You're actually amazing. I can see it. You probably can't after everything but you are absolutely ******* amazing.

Seems like you need to get away from these people.so you don't see them,hear them.just live in a different town from them.

It all boils down to respect. If they don't respect you then they don't deserve you.

Family is over-rated. Read the power of now by eckhart tolle

You need to move but life is so funny what you hate now can return later in your life.

I am someone who had his share of Fcuked up child hood so i can understand what you are going through now .
But by reading the whole thing at the end of that you have developed the attitude .And you also know that you have a choice.
Same with life you have a choice ..You can either say that you dont wanna take anymore and go or you can make a positive difference in the life of other kids .
All you gotto do is make yourself happy.
First relocate ,You wouldn't believe what change it brings upon us when we meet new people.Start a new life.

I'm a 20 year old female and I'm tryna get dirty